That was the statement I had before me that day. Not only would I have to fill in the blank to complete the sentence, but I was obligated to make it rhyme, too. I don't know whether it was grade one... grade two... grade three, perhaps even? All I know is that for this reason and more, Halloween has always been a pressure-filled time for me.
I think back even earlier to kindergarten, when I was dressed up as Bubsy for Halloween. One particularly smarmy little girl, decked out in tiger garb, took a look at my wardrobe and scoffed 'You're only a little cat, well I'm a tiger!', and I simply had no comeback whatsoever. If I could pull some Butterfly Effect shit, I would so have that bitch owned in spades. Like for one thing, Bubsy is a goddamn bobcat - he's all over your bitch ass tiger. Or in retrospect, perhaps she was coming onto me in a particularly domineering fashion? I don't know. I was an entirely oblivious kid, you see.
I fast forward to one of my later years in Canada, circa '95/'96ish, roaming the autumn streets for some sweet paydirt and receiving a mysterious piece of paper at one of the houses. I was particularly pleased with this piece of paper upon collecting it - who knows what it contained?
Perhaps it was a coupon for even more chocolate? Or a recipe for some wicked awesome Halloween cake? Or a LOVE LETTER? (Again, oblivious kid)
When I finally opened the note, I was distraught. Upon it was a large cross, and a message saying that unfortunately they did not celebrate Halloween, due to its non-Christian nature. They would be happy to instead celebrate Christmas, the Lord's holiday.
Well, shit. That really built me up for nothing, didn't it? Though am I mistaken in thinking that... they're actually inviting every trick or treater to their house for Christmas? I should probably cash in on that offer, actually.
Or how about the year in which I was dressed up as Sonic the Hedgehog? ...Actually, that was just a really cool year. Except when my nose fell off. My hedgehog nose, I mean. Not like my actual nose falling off. Point is, that was the second coolest costume ever, though not quite as cool as the year James dressed up as Einstein. That was totally madsauce.
What's the point I'm getting at? Well shit, there isn't one - all that bullshit about Halloween pressure just felt like awesome segway for me to start throwing out some memories before they disappear from my feeble brain. Halloween isn't what it used to be, at least not here in the land of Australia. No falling leaves, no decorations, and only a couple of kids walking around at like 5:30 looking for lollies. And none of them came up to our door, where Jess was specifically waiting with Freddo frogs. She wanted me to answer the door in my Lucifer garb, but it's a good thing nobody did come. The concept that I would be wearing a full-body costume specifically for when little kids come knocking on the door is really sad, and NOT AT ALL CHRISTIAN! Bah Halloween!
This year, I don't think I've had anything Halloween-y. Only three Halloween South Park episodes, and then it's like everyone else on television forgot. In desperation, I tried to watch Garfield's Halloween Adventure on Youtube, but Jess is over her download limit, and half an hour worth of Lorenzo Music going 'arrrrr' probably isn't worth the cost of excess download. What is the cost of excess download, incidentally? Because my Internet went over the limit about a week ago and afterwards I played lots of WoW... Hmm... glad I don't pay for it.
So a disappointing show of Halloween spirit from me. We're having a Halloween party tomorrow night, but that's lame. It's like having a Christmas party on Boxing Day; you're not fooling anyone. The only thing I learnt about Halloween today, is that it's surely a very confusing day for children.
All throughout your school years, you're specifically instructed never to talk to strangers. Never ever ever go up to strange houses, and most definitely don't accept candy from people you don't know. I learnt all of this in a class with a bird puppet in grade 1. The class wanted to name the bird Zazu, but that teacher had a particular hatred for copyright infringement so we had to call him Zazoop instead. NOT CHRISTIAN.
But anyhow, I'm digressing (shitloads); the point I'm trying to make is that we instill all this fear of strangers in kids, and then you dedicate an entire holiday to going around to strange people's houses, knocking on their doors and receiving candy from them?? I know what you're going to say; just think about the old trick or treating rule; never accept unwrapped candies. But in all fairness, some sick fuck could just get his jollies off into a whole bowl of wrapped up lollies, give them a quick wash and then hand 'em out to the kiddies.
There's some Halloween spirit for you. And no, it's NOT EVEN REMOTELY CHRISTIAN either.
...Oh, and in case you're wondering how I ended the whole 'witches fly' verse? Why, with 'One will poke you in the eye!', of course. Riveting stuff. I should be writing for the Times.
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