Pardon me for interrupting my top 20 video games, but I thought I'd express my recent obsession for the song We Are the World. That's right, the 1985 mega-charity effort by some of the biggest stars of the USA.
It only recently occurred to me how many of my favourite artists recorded the track, and that's beyond just the ones that immediately spring to mind. We all know Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder were involved... But did you know Harry Belafonte was a member of the chorus? How about Bette Midler? Did you notice the Pointer Sisters in there?
Indeed, it was a veritable melting pot for musical superstardom. But of course, there were many, many names missing. I have taken it upon myself to tweak the roster a little, how I best see fit. I'll try to minimize the amount of original performers as best I can, because that would be awfully boring and most of them would still make the cut.
So of course, this is no disrespect towards anyone from the original I omitted. I just wanted to be creative. Also, as a challenge to myself, I've set this fictional re-recording in the year 1991. As a result, Louis Armstrong and Jake Shears will not appear. As much as I'd like for them to.
1991 was pretty much the mark that I had set to include as many of my favourite artists as I could, a number that could have been adjusted if Freddie Mercury hadn't been taken from us prematurely.
Anyhow, let us rejoice! Let us regale! Let us be mighty confuzzled...
We open with Lionel Richie reprising his original opening role, just as he should. He was heavily involved in both versions of the recording (the other being the 2010 version, which is not at all my cup of tea), and he shall appropriately remain entrenched in the '91 iteration.
He then gives way, still, to Stevie Wonder, who in my opinion has the greatest voice of all time. If I were having too much trouble securing my multitude of names for this project, my backup plan is to simply have Stevie Wonder sing every single part in a plethora of disguises.
The last in a streak of original reprisals is Paul Simon, who I was otherwise going to tuck away into the chorus. But upon watching the '85 recording, he looks so damned nervous. I fear that if he were demoted, it would just destroy him.
Next, playing the role of Kenny Rogers, is Peter Gabriel. He will twitch around eerily and produce various props made of clay, like he does in the music video for Sledgehammer. It will look terrifying, but it will sound awesome, trust me.
Following this eccentric display, Barry White will surface, singing lines once belonging to James Ingram. Just listen to that bit in the song, and picture it being done by Barry White, it's freaking sexcellent. Barry White got people laid for thirty years with his voice, and hopefully he can work his magic here, too. Assuming the chick involved is particularly easy and can be won over in six seconds.
We now return to the familiar sight of Tina Turner and Billy Joel. Their duet remains untouched, as long as Billy Joel keeps his beard, and has the same cheeky look on his face as he had in 1985. That's one of my favourite bits to look at. I'm sure you'll agree.
Michael Jackson sings the chorus from his mysterious studio in an unknown part of the world (or space). If anyone dares try to ever make a version of this song without Michael Jackson, I will hunt them down and scold them.
This next bit supposedly requires a 'diva', as it was sung by Diana Ross and, later, Barbra Streisand. Instead, I present you with Angela Lansbury. She will be a delight to work with, and she will solve any crime that occurs during the recording process.
Now, and I know that Angela Lansbury bit got you pumped, we bring in Shirley Bassey in place of Dionne Warwick. She is dressed in gold, and for that matter, she might just end up singing Goldfinger instead. I haven't entirely decided yet.
She gives way (perhaps) to Michael Bolton, in a segment once sung by Willie Nelson. I liked Michael Bolton before all you kippers jumped on the bandwagon this year, for the record.
Al Jarreau has now morphed into Phil Collins. You might cry foul, stating that the original group was called 'USA For Africa', and that Collins was found instead among the names in Band Aid, but I defiantly note that Dan Aykroyd and Bob Geldof aren't Americans, either. So I keep my goddamn Phil Collins, thank you very much.
I quite enjoy Bruce Springsteen's work, but I'm not a fan of his contributions in the 1985 edition of We Are the World. He looks and sounds like he's passing a kidney stone, and that's no fun at all. To remove the tension of lines that were once snarled out maliciously, I have handed the role to Grayson Hugh, whose silky tones will put you at ease. That is, if The Boss doesn't get to him first.
Following this, I assumed upon listening that the next part was sung by a woman. I then discovered it was actually Kenny Loggins. I likes me some Loggins, but his androgynous vocals kind of freak me out a little. Instead in 1991 we feature Ali Campbell. He's one of my favourite reggae artists, and he doesn't look at all Jamaican, which is silly fun.
In what is one of my most shocking decisions, I omit Steve Perry, who is routinely excellent, and replace him with Meat Loaf. Giving Steve Perry the chop makes me feel dirty, and as such, I had to inject a heavyweight like Meat Loaf. I hope the decision will serve me well.
Calton Coffie then makes a random appearance in place of Daryl Hall. He is wearing sunglasses and waving his dreadlocks in the breeze. There isn't a breeze to be spoken of as we're indoors, but don't tell him that, he's having way too much fun.
Huey Lewis is the last of the original participants, reprising his unenviable role as the man who precedes the vocal gymnastics of the next verse. He doesn't mind, though, because Calton Coffie is having such a jolly good time nearby.
You have to be careful with this next bit, because it requires a powerful and versatile voice, like Cindy Lauper's or Celine Dion's. As such, I go with the big guns and pull out some Whitney Houston. What years of abuse have done to her voice is a crime of nature, but this is 1991, and she nails every note with panache.
Kim Carnes almost returns, simply because Bette Davis Eyes is such an excellent song, but for now, Kylie Minogue fills in. I'm not proud of my obsession for early Kylie Minogue, but I sure as hell have it. Perhaps after this, you shall, too?
We hit the chorus now, a point where you are introduced to a field of anonymous superstars who I'll list later, but among them, Kate Bush, George Michael, Sting, Patti LaBelle and Eric Clapton get their own miniature solos, just as was done in the 2010 edition. Consider it sneaky to insert concepts from the Haiti rendition, but I had a few big names I had to get rid of somehow and I was running out of opportunities.
The Bob Dylan bit is my least favourite. It just doesn't work, in my opinion, so instead, I'm ramping up the stakes and using Elton John. He is sitting on a Mexican chair person. How glorious!
Ray Charles respectfully gives way to Ben E. King for the next part. Sacrilege, I know, but Ben E. King doesn't get the props I feel like he should. Did you know he's still around and kicking to this day? That's awesome, innit?
In the original edition, we would now be brought back to Stevie Wonder. This is Stevie's best bit, as it allows him to show off his impossibly magnificent voice. For me to forgo Stevie Wonder is a massive thing, and that's why I'm not pulling any punches here. Stevie Wonder's chorus solo shall be done by Freddie Mercury. It might not be Mercury's finest work, as his health is fading rapidly, but Mercury at 10% is better than nearly every other artist at their greatest.
Joining Mercury in what was initially more Springsteen, is Rick Astley. The man deserved a more fruitful career than he had, and he is rewarded for his talents by getting a fictional duet with Freddie Mercury. ...Somehow, that sounded like a better prize in my head.
If you thought I was going to forget David Bowie, you were incorrect. James Ingram got himself another bit of airtime here, but I'm a generous man and spread out my love evenly, giving only Michael Jackson multiple segments. Bowie brings us along towards the end of the powerful magnificence that is the imaginary 1991 We Are the World, and then, it happens...
Enya. That's right, Enya. She is entirely out of place, she's frightened and she's lost, and she's filling in for Ray Charles to lead us out. Can Enya hit those notes? I have no idea, but I love her so and have entire faith in her musical abilities, so I reckon she'll do dandy. As the music fades out, people all across the world are absolutely puzzled. Enya, baby, ENYA!
But before we go, let's take a look at who else I had in the chorus? I've basically just plonked in all of my other favourite artists of the time, but I'm sure that if these musicians came together in actuality, it would sound so magnificent, you would go deaf once it finished, because nothing could ever sound that good ever again. Unless Stevie Wonder started singing again, but that's a moot point.
Say hello to Peter Cox, Rod Stewart, Danny Elfman, Ed Robertson, Lonnie Gordon, Maurice White, Mike Love, Neil Tennant, Billy Ocean, Ralph Tresvant, Roland Gift, Steve Winwood, Andy Bell, Tom Cochrane, Marie Fredriksson, Andy McCluskey, SWV, Holly Johnson, Levi Stubbs, Peabo Bryson, Roger Whittaker, Robert Goulet, Jack Hues, Desmond Dekker, Maxi Priest, Seal, Tracy Chapman, Nathan Lane, Alanis Morrisette, Paula Abdul, Reney Pena, David Ogden Stiers, Thom Yorke, the Everly Brothers, Sydney Youngblood, Warren Zevon, HYDE, Jenny Berggren, Tim Curry, Chynna Phillips, Tina Arena, Shirley Manson, Dion DiMucci, Ty Taylor, Rob Paulsen, Tony Hadley, Will Smith, Lindsey Buckingham, Douglas Hodge, Tom Hulce and Colm Wilkinson.
But that's not all! Keen observers will also note the presence of TLC. In case we were feeling game, we could get Lisa Lopes to give us a rap verse, but that doesn't belong in We Are the World, now does it? (Not so subtle jab at 2010, btw)
Nobody knows who Jack Black is in the distant year of 1991, but he's all sorts of fun and a welcome presence. Similarly, Raine Maida won't go on to form Our Lady Peace for another year, but it's close enough. Perhaps his appearance in We Are the World propelled him to stardom first?
I have no idea whether Adrian Legg and Kenny G can actually sing, but they're such brilliant musicians I chucked them in there, anyway. If all else fails, they can just sing the chorus through instrument, or some such.
Lene Nystrøm shan't be part of Aqua for another three years yet, but there she is, too! I have a knack for discovering talent.
Prince appears via live telecast, just like he perhaps might have in the original. He leers at others like they were Chris Tucker. Delicious, Prince thinks to himself.
I don't know under what circumstances Prabhu Deva qualifies, but he's dancing himself up a storm. Indeed, he's knocking others over on the limited space of the podium. People are up in arms, but fortunately, Calton Coffie is keeping spirits up, so nobody comes to blows.
For those of you who think I show too much bias against 25 for Haiti, you might note that I have included the singing talents of 3T, my only holdovers from 2010. I don't know how old they were in 1991, but Waiting For Love is aces, and they needed something to build them up to that, methinks.
Oh look! I've seen fit to include Lucille Ball of television fame and- oh no wait, my mistake. That's Mick Hucknall.
Filling the great big shoes of Dan Aykroyd and/or Vince Vaughn in the 'what the hell are they doing there' category is my surprise addition, Donovan McNabb. This made a lot more sense before I added the '91 stipulation to the mix, seeing how McNabb is only a sophomore in high school at the moment, but I love listening to anything the man says. I'm sure it was the same when he was in high school. Belt out a tune, little Donny!
And oh yeah, participant #100, Paul McCartney is there, too. Blink and you'll miss him. I just thought it'd be amusing to give lead vocals to Angela Lansbury instead. Tee hee.
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