Spreading yourself too thin

In case you were unaware, Tony has friends. Quite a few, actually. A quick glance at my list of Myspace/Facebook friends (always an accurate barometer of popularity, of course) reveals I've befriended practically anyone who's ever sneezed at me in a particularly pleasing way. If you're reading this, odds are you're one of those friends anyhow.

So pause for a moment, dear friend, and ask yourself - who is your best friend in the whole wide world, above anyone else? (relationships don't count. Just your bestest best buddy)
Right? Got it? Good. You may continue.

Odds are paramount that the name you uttered was not Anthony/Tony/Ant or some other variation. You see, it's recently hit me; I'm the true also-ran of friends. The guy who gets the birthday invite and is quickly tucked away in a corner, the guy you don't confide in and rely on, the guy who will not be making any kind of speech at your next social gathering. Put short, I'm your real-life Mario, rather average and everyone's chum, but if you're given the option you'll opt instead for Falco or Marth (Brawl in one month!!)

I suppose I have only myself to blame, I do spread myself rather thin in life, pimping my services out to roughly eight different sub-divisions of humanity, and not to any particularly memorable effect. The amount of parties I miss due to my hectic schedule is fairly despicable, and I know I don't often extend a line to folks on a whim, but wow. Why does my excellence go so ignored?

Look, I realise Jess and I are close. But including her is cheating, because she's no mere human, she's a Jess. Of course we're best friends. But who else is out there? Who is my comrade? My confidant? My BFF? (An amusing phrase because it looks like the abbreviation for boyfriend. Tee-hee!)

So here's what we're doing. TONY IS HOLDING OPEN AUDITIONS FOR THE ROLE OF 'BEST FRIEND'. So come on! Show me what you've got. Make me your 1. Show me the love, and it doesn't even have to be platonic. Just be advised that being Tony's best friend requires an initial loading fee of $15, with an additional $5 charged to your account each week. Ending your services as Tony's best friend will incur a $20 cancellation fee, effective immediately. Prolonged exposure as Tony's best friend may result in irritation around the eyes and nose, use in regulation. If symptoms persist, consult your doctor.

WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!