AFC West champions - the Oakland Raiders (3rd)
Once upon a time, the Oakland Raiders were shaping up to be my favourite football team. This was during their Super Bowl run of 2002, but fortunately I switched allegiances before it was too late. Despite this, I have no particular affinity for the rest of the AFC West, so the Raiders qualify for playoff contention by proxy. Besides, I do love to see those Oakland fans in all of their rabid insanity.
AFC North champions - the Cincinnati Bengals (4th)
Quite the easy choice. I like the Bengals, and I despise the Steelers and Ravens. Who else could have possibly emerged as champions of the north? During the Titans' period of ineptitude, the Bengals are frequently a team that I could get behind as winning the Super Bowl. They suffered for years, and now they're finally good, so watch out.
AFC East champions - the Buffalo Bills (2nd)
Surprised? You'd think that, as a jilted Toronto fan, I'd be quite against the Bills, but I'm really not. Because they feature, in my opinion, the most unfortunate fans in the NFL. Four consecutive Super Bowl defeats was the good time to be a Bills fan? Compared to a playoff drought that spans back to the Music City Miracle in 2000, yep it was. Keep on keepin' on, Bills fans.
AFC South champions - the Tennessee Titans (1st)
Umm, obviously? The Tennessee Titans have been my favourite NFL team for almost all of my tenure as a fan, save for brief sojourns with Oakland and Chicago. And though today's franchise has absolutely nothing on the glory years of the early 2000s (more on that soon), I remain a bitter, twisted Titans supporter. Somebody's got to do it, I guess.
AFC Wild Card - the Cleveland Browns (5th)
I don't have much actual love for the Cleveland Browns, a simple curiosity to me in the scheme of the NFL, but those Cleveland fans have been through hell: your beloved team relocates, leaving you without a franchise for years, and that team then goes on to win a title? Ouch! Coupled with the mediocrity of the modern-day Browns, I think they've earned this.
AFC Wild Card - the Miami Dolphins (6th)
Most of the teams I like reside in the NFC, so Miami really just got this far by virtue of the fact that I detest so many teams. To be fair, I've liked several Dolphins: Jason Taylor, Patrick Surtain, Cameron Wake, Randy Starks... But what have they done for me lately? I don't know. Still, it's enough to land them the last playoff seed in the AFC.
NFC West champions - the Seattle Seahawks (3rd)
Gotta love Vancouver's neighbours to the south. I have to admit, I marked out fairly hardcore when Seattle bested my old foe Peyton in last year's championship game, and they're headed back into the playoffs in my fictional world. If only Matt Hasselbeck wasn't a backup in Indianapolis, I'd love to have taken him along for the ride.
NFC North champions - the Green Bay Packers (4th)
Gadzooks! A betrayal to my former suitors, the Chicago Bears? This is indeed the case, because there is very, very little I enjoy about the current Bears. Brian Urlacher is retired, Jay Cutler is the starting QB, and though I like Marc Trestman, their dismissal of Lovie Smith was unjust. Instead, the nod goes to the little franchise that could: the home of Aaron freakin' Rodgers.
NFC East champions - the New York Giants (1st)
As a Canadian sports fan, I typically deride New York-based franchises. The Knicks are rivals to the Raptors, the Rangers and Islanders both dealt the Canucks brutal Stanley Cup defeats, and the New York Yankees are... well, the New York Yankees. Fortunately, I have no such allegiances in the NFL, so I can honour my love for New York City by gifting the Giants the #1 seed.
NFC South champions - the New Orleans Saints (2nd)
Fresh off the heels of my New York love affair comes another crazy little place I'm quite fond of in New Orleans. In their case, not only do I like several players (see: Drew Brees), but the Saints mean more to New Orleans than any other team means to a city. The Saints represented a beacon of hope during their dire times, and they arise as NFC South champions.
NFC Wild Card - the Arizona Cardinals (5th)
Here's where things get tricky: the NFC is loaded with teams I like. So figuring out who's going to squeak into the playoffs is a bit of an undertaking. To start us off, I've long been keen on the Cardinals, primarily because they were so dismal, and because I had a toy helmet from some unknown origin. They became darlings during their unlikely playoff run in 2009, can they do it again?
NFC Wild Card - the Detroit Lions (6th)
Full disclosure: I like the Washington football team. I liked them during the Clinton Portis years, I like that Mark Rypien was a Super Bowl MVP in their uniform. I am normally a Washington fan. But while they hold their current moniker, I'm banning them from my playoffs. So Detroit, another unlikely set of heroes, snatch away the 6 seed. And I'm not too sad about that, they deserve it.
Wild Card Weekend
Cleveland (5) @ Cincinnati (4)
Our playoffs get started with two division rivals squaring off. Cleveland haven't been to the playoffs since 2002, and their inexperience gets the best of them. The Bengals win in convincing fashion, with AJ Green singlehandedly dismantling the Browns D.
Winner: Cincinnati
Miami (6) @ Oakland (3)
The atmosphere is raucous in Oakland, California. The fans have been waiting for the Raiders to make their playoff return, and the stadium is awash with black and silver. Hordes of mentally unstable, burly men, shrieking at the camera as it sweeps by. Alas, so too do their hopes and dreams, as Miami takes them out with a late pick six by Cameron Wake.
Winner: Miami
Arizona (5) @ Green Bay (4)
The duel is on: Aaron Rodgers vs. Carson Palmer, who has inexplicably returned from IR because I, as lord of this fictional universe, have pulled the old schoolyard 'pretend that didn't happen' on his torn ACL. With a bevy of touchdowns, it's only fitting that Larry Fitzgerald's final dagger leads the Cards to victory.
Winner: Arizona
Detroit (6) @ Seattle (3)
This one ought to be a hard read: the feisty Lions vs. the surging Seahawks? All doubt is cast aside as Russell Wilson is able to move the ball down the field methodically, stringing together drive after drive that leads to points. Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson answer back consistently, but in the end, they run out of time.
Winner: Seattle
Divisional Round
Miami (6) @ Tennessee (1)
There's a nervous energy in the air at LP Field for this game. The last time the Titans had the NFL's best record, they flamed out in a shocking loss to the Ravens that they haven't recovered from. This time, things are different. Jake Locker has his struggles against the Miami pass rush (Cameron Wake returns as a menace!), but somehow, the Titans emerge as victors.
Winner: Tennessee
Cincinnati (4) @ Buffalo (2)
Meanwhile, the atmosphere at the Ralph is uproarious. Long-suffering Bills backers can't contain their enthusiasm, and more than a few fans take the field as their team has finally ended the drought. And EJ Manuel indeed gives them the faith that they will be able to make it to the next round, leading them to a 1-point lead with only 16 seconds left on the clock. Then, the kickoff happens...
Winner: Cincinnati
Arizona (5) @ New York (1)
The New York Giants are shells of their former selves with their depleted roster, yet with a lot of luck and more than a few dubious calls, they've led the ultra-competitive NFC up to this point. How will they overcome the fiery Cardinals as they come to town? Who knows! But somehow, inexplicably, they pick their spots and come away with the W. The mystery lives on!
Winner: New York
Seattle (3) @ New Orleans (2)
Do you remember the Beast Quake game of January 2011? When the 7-9 Seahawks took out the heavily favoured 11-5 Saints, highlighted by a seismic run by Marshawn Lynch? At last, the Saints are poised to take their revenge, in their dome, against a team that probably didn't deserve the playoff berth of years ago. ...But what's this? Marshawn takes the ball and runs it down their throat for the WIN!
Winner: Seattle
Conference Championships
Cincinnati (4) @ Tennessee (1)
To say that this is a brawl would be an understatement: it would take everything for the Titans' understaffed secondary to be able to contain the offensive threat that Cincinnati yields. So then, after Jason McCourty duels valiantly with the Bengals' receivers into overtime, the unlikely hero becomes Avery Williamson, whose strip leads to a Locker scramble TD and end game.
Winner: Tennessee
Seattle (3) @ New York (1)
The mercurial Giants have found a way to win all season, while the Seahawks have constantly fought an uphill battle. Observe, for example, the fact that a 3-seed has had to duel through two road games en route to the championship. In this climactic skirmish, New York's magic runs dry, as a touchdown from Luke Willson seals the victory.
Winner: Seattle
Super Bowl XLIX
Tennessee (1) @ Seattle (3)
When the whole shebang reaches its climax, the betting line is fairly universal: the Seahawks, despite their early season struggles, should emerge from Toronto (the newly awarded site of the game after controversy in Glendale) as champions for the second straight season. However, there's an incredible energy being brewed by Titans' position coaches Bruce Matthews, Eddie George, Keith Bulluck and Drew Bennett (yep!) inspired by the memory of Steve McNair. The blows go back and forth, and it isn't until Marshawn Lynch starts on one of his trademark unstoppable runs that the outcome seems clear. However, something curious happens during this particular gallop: safety Daimion Stafford dislodges the ball yards shy of the endzone, and who should pick it up but 300 pound DT, Jurrell Casey? Flinging would-be tacklers aside as though they were made of paper, Casey rumbles, bumbles and stumbles his way towards the Seattle goalline before finally being forced out of bounds. In the dying seconds, Locker hands the ball off to the fullback at the 1 yard line, a fullback who happens to be none other than Jurrell Casey. Touchdown. The Tennessee Titans are Super Bowl champions...! Surprised?
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