So the low down, then. Being the creative culinary experts that we are, Jess and I decided tonight that we'd take a crack at making some crumbed calamari.
Things got off to an inauspicious start; our batter mix was overpriced for what was essentially just flour and crumbs, and it told us to just add water... not how much water or anything, but just add water. At one point in the night, I added water to something. The results were interesting.
First of all, let me heartily advise anyone against cooking at 11 at night. It sounds all fun and adventurous; late-night cookin' over a hot stove followed by some serious Baywatch and maybe even a little drunken session of Wii Fit (as long as nobody jumped on my balance board!)
Anyhow, with our crumbs all mixed with spices and some chips in the oven, all that was left was for the pot full of boiling oil to get ready. Various Youtube videos suggested 20 minutes (yes, we are learning to cook through Youtube). So I left Jess to her own devices while I chatted with Jana on the phone. What were we talking about at the time? Oh yeah, dad had had some luck on the recent lotto draw, and Jess was hoping Jana could get something for us on eBay. It was all innocuous enough, until Jess told me in a firm voice that she needed me.
Generally, such a tone of voice meant that there was a cockroach about, but somehow at the time, I kinda figured that it was more likely something to do with that pot full of volatile liquid. ...That pot full of volatile liquid, that now appeared to be on fire.
I (rather casually) told Jana that I had to go, and then watched with keen interest for a couple seconds, pondering how to solve this scenario. I reached out to grab the handle, but that flame was licking about under the lid fairly wildly, and as you can imagine as time went on things were only getting worse. I snatched it up (thank god the handle hadn't heated at all) and threw it in the sink.
At this time, I was a smidgen confused - why was it that when I threw it in the sink, the fire appeared to be getting bigger? Who cares, I knew how to solve this - through use of my neglected buddy Blastoise, I was aware that water could definitely quelch a fire.
So I turned the tap on, and it happened. WHOOSH. The whole sink is up in flames. By this point, there are certain things running through your mind. My second thought was, 'well shit, I'm not going to be able to put this out' - Jess' house may not survive the night. But, honest to god, my first thought was 'WHY DID WATER MAKE THE FIRE BIGGER?'
...I'm a much more scientifically aware human being now, having discovered that water aggravates the oil. I mean hey, water being poured all over me would piss me off too, but damn man, the fire had engulfed the entire sink, and was nearing the ceiling - get over it, oil!
I had concluded by this point that water wasn't working so great, and my mind was now turning to thoughts of evacuating (but not before saving my Wii!), when all of a sudden it was gone. This all progressed very quickly of course, but I am not exaggerating when I tell you that in another couple seconds, the whole kitchen is up in flames.
So our Blastoise-powered tap had put the fire out (after having a little bitchfight with the oil), and we were safe. Now Jess was up on a chair, plucking the battery from the smoke detector because the noise annoyed the hell out of her. With that out of the way, a few fans were turned on, doors and windows open, and yeah.
Considering that the whole house could have been burnt down and that in the split-second after I turned the tap on the flames hadn't taken my hand off, I'm pretty pleased with how the evening went. The state of the ceiling, however? Not so grand. The paint is bubbling, and there are some nasty-ass stains that I reckon will require professionals.
So yeah. That was our wee little cooking adventure. The upsetting part now? We have barely any oil left to make the damn calamari with. Ultimate fail.
Our gorgeous redecorating
Ain't she a beaut?
Love the bubbles
Partially melted rubbish bag
Best calamari ever!!
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