In my case however, I thought I'd build a team out of guys I like. It's not to say I don't like any of the previous names, it's just that I don't really have any particular fond memories associated with them. Worry not, I won't just go with modern names from my young football fandom. And worry not else (fantastic sentence structure), I won't just go with literally my favourite players, lest we just get a roster of Steve McNair, Eddie George, Samari Rolle and A.J. Trapasso.
I thought I'd try and go out on a few limbs here, as queer and questionable as they may be. With all that said, avanti! Let us traverse towards a team that likely stands no chance against the typical 'all-time squadrons', but would still be a formidable foe to come up against...
Cue the music...
Quarterback: Mark Rypien
1987-97, 2001
2x Super Bowl Champion, 2x Pro Bowl selection, Super Bowl XXVI MVP
To say that Mark Rypien is one of the all-time greats would be casting a very wide net indeed. To many, he was simply a game manager who benefitted from playing for one of the greatest teams of all time in the 1991 Redskins. To others, particularly Washington fans or those like myself who will quickly deem anyone Canadian to be the best thing since sliced (Canadian) bread, he was a key cog without whom their success was not a sure thing. To his credit, Rypien was stellar that season, collecting 3,564 yards and 28 TDs to 11 Ints, QB rating of 97.9, en route to the first and only Super Bowl MVP ever won by a Canuck.
Though some may claim Mike Vanderjagt was the greatest Canadian to suit up south of the border, to me, none come close to Rypien - who although only ever started two full seasons, and was subpar in the year to follow, was for that one amazing year, at the helm and firmly entrenched as the quarterback for one of the greatest teams of all time. Isn't it appropriate, then, for him to reprise that role once more?
Running Back: Barry Sanders
1989-98
Detroit Lions
10x All-Pro, NFL MVP (1997), 4x NFL rushing champion, Pro Football Hall of Fame
Oh holy shit. That is the reaction that Barry Sanders garnered from viewers across the globe. He was not only the best player every single year for his Lions, but more often than not, he was the only player. His quarterbacks were anonymous. His offensive lines were routinely belittled. His opponents were keying in for him on every single play. But the thing about Barry is that, sure, you could see where he was, but rarely could you ever predict where he was going to be.
Barry Sanders was the epitome of elusiveness, and even to this day, where players are routinely capable of amazing feats of athleticism, few compare to what he was able to accomplish. It wasn't without its risks, mind you, as he is the inauspicious record holder for negative yards, totalling a whopping -952 in lost ground. But it was a small price to pay in order for him to work his magic on the field, juking entire defences and leaving arms flailing behind him.
Emmitt Smith is the NFL's all-time leading rusher, with good reason: he was a fantastic back who was shifty in his own right and lasted the test of time. But had Barry Sanders had the benefit of those historically great Cowboys' o-lines? I'd venture a guess to say we wouldn't see his career totals topped in our lifetime.
Running Back: Earl Campbell
1978-85
Houston Oilers
5x Pro Bowl Selection, 3x All-Pro, NFL MVP (1979), 3x NFL rushing champion, Pro Football Hall of Fame
As much as I drool over Barry Sanders highlight reels, I have made no secret in the past of my love for bruising, physical players. And truly, who more embodied that than the Tyler Rose, Earl Campbell?
Back in the days when the ground game was the focus of an offence, Campbell would strike fear into the hearts of his adversaries with his outright punishing downhill running. It's not that he couldn't move out of the way of an ongoing tackler, he was definitely fleet of foot, it's just that he knew that he could hit them far harder than they could he. What's my favourite Earl Campbell moment, I wonder? Watching him stiff arm a would-be tackler five yards into the end zone like a child would carry a teddy bear? Cringing in sick admiration as he headbutts an opponent in the chest, then fighting for yards with men draped on him as his jersey is ripped to shreds?
Who cares, each moment was awesome. Also, I truly dig his bizarre 'loaf of bread' style of ball carrying.
Fullback: Bronko Nagurski
1930-37, 1943
Chicago Bears
3x NFL Champion, 4x All-Pro, NFL 75th Anniversary All-Time, Pro Football Hall of Fame
This is typically the spot where list-makers will make a dastardly move and slot in Jim Brown, who for all intents and purposes was the best halfback of all time, despite actually being listed as a fullback. Call it a by-product of the evolving game, or just people's inability to be able to have the balls to cut one of the precious running backs from the roster, it's a cheap move.
...I guess I should have then gone with a pure fullback in the vein of Lorenzo Neal, often noted for paving the way for some of the best runners of all time, but instead, I decided that if I want someone to lead block for Barry Sanders, it may as well be one of the scariest motherfuckers to ever suit up.
Bronko Nagurski just flat out blew people up, in a way that was practically superhuman. One of my favourite stories, is how on one play he split through two linebackers, squashed a defensive halfback and a safety, bounced off of the goalposts and cracked the brick wall of Wrigley Field. Legend has it, that on returning to the huddle, he said, 'That last guy hit me awfully hard.'
Wide Receiver: Jerry Rice
1985-2004
San Francisco 49ers
3x Super Bowl Champion, 13x Pro Bowl Selection, 2x All-Pro, Super Bowl XXIII MVP, Pro Football Hall of Fame
Well, sorry. As much as I'd like to push the envelope at receiver, constructing some strange, Rypien-esque justification for a comparable obscurity, I just can't. Jerry Rice is not only the greatest wide receiver to ever play the game, he is quite possibly the greatest NFL player of all time. And to think, when I fell in love with him, it was in the twilight of his career, as a Raider.
To explain how Jerry Rice redefined the position, you need only look at the basic expectations of a wideout: to catch and to run. He did both of these things marvellously, but beyond that, he understood the game like no other. His route running was unrivalled, his precision and quickness were lethal. And to top it off, the dude just flat out worked for it. His brutal training regime is the stuff of legend, and his chameleon-like ability to adapt over his career helped to keep him at the top for a long, long time.
To think, he fell all the way to pick #15 coming out of Mississippi Valley State. I wonder how many of those other teams wonder what could have been?
Wide Receiver: Steve Largent
1976-89
Seattle Seahawks
7x Pro Bowl Selection, 8x All-Pro, NFL 1980s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of FameWe move now, to the greatest Seahawk of all time, a man so adored in Seattle, that only the great Jerry Rice could (briefly) pull his #80 out of retirement.
One of the great things about Steve Largent is that he is never going to appear amongst the all-time prototypical receivers; fast, muscular, dominant... he does not have the look or the feel of, say, a Terrell Owens or Calvin Johnson. What he had, however, was determination to the umpteenth degree; he was a man who wanted to win, and could will his team to victory. He, much like Barry Sanders, was one of the lone bright spots on a largely unsuccessful team (with no disrespect to Jim Zorn), but didn't jump ship for loftier prospects.
I've got room for a winner like Largent on my squad, you'd better believe that.
Wide Receiver: Nate Burleson
2003-present
Seattle Seahawks
Seattle Seahawks 35th Anniversary Team
Wait... what? Almost 100 years of NFL history to sift through, and I anoint Nate Burleson to complete my trifecta of Seahawks receivers?
Well you know what? You're damn right. Not only was Nate born in an excellent country whose name I can't remember (rhymes with Fanada), but he's just a cool dude and I love to watch him play. For over a decade now, Nate has quietly carved out a very respectable NFL career, and though with this season he will have played in Detroit for the same length as he did in Seattle, it is the Seahawks version I'm including on my squad.Not only is he a strong receiver, but he was also a fantastic returner, notably as the 1st player to have ever returned 3 separate punts for 90+ yards. Gotta have those key special teamers in the ranks, and for the record, my team never kneels in the end zone. RUN, NATE, RUUUNN!!!
Tight End: Dave Casper
1974-84
Oakland Raiders
2x Super Bowl Champion, 5x Pro Bowl Selection, 5x All-Pro, NFL 1970s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame
I struggled a bit with this one. My brain and my gut told me that Tony Gonzalez was the way to go, the single greatest tight end to ever suit up, and admittedly a guy that I really like. But it just felt so... obvious, y'know? To just default to Gonzo would be lacking in creativity. Part of me then thought of Jeremy Shockey, the long-haired behemoth of Giants fame, but in the end, I decided that my all-time team was distinctly lacking in Raiders attitude. And when I say Raiders attitude, I don't mean the pathetic blowhards of today whose black jerseys appropriately represent the shadows in which they dwell, I mean proper, Al Davis is the man, welcome to the black hole RAIDUHS.
So I went with the Ghost, a man who was involved with more than a few of the most famous moments in the team's history, from the game-changing Holy Roller play, to the Ghost to the Post. And while we're on the topic, let me just say that Casper's nickname wasn't necessarily creative, but it is still pretty damned cool.
Tackle: Lou Groza
1946-59, 1961-67
Cleveland Browns
4x NFL Champion, 4x AAFC Champion, 9x Pro Bowl Selection, 4x All-Pro, Pro Football Hall of Fame
Clearly, a man whose nickname was 'the Toe' is more commonly remembered as a kicker, and to his credit, Lou was a damned good one, but there are lots of great pure kickers who have come and gone, and I wanted to enlist the services of a tackle who was multitalented. I love those classic throwback guys, and I wish I had a spot to give to George Blanda. Alas.Lou Groza played the game of football back in a time when it didn't feature elite athletes making millions of dollars, but a group of gritty, dirty men battling it out and completely mauling one another. A WWII veteran and a man who revolutionised the kicking game, Groza will likely stand out like a sore thumb (or toe?) as a 6'3" 250-pound tackle on my fairly modern team, but screw it, he'll maul them anyway. And if they try and fight back, he'll give them a right good kicking.
Tackle: Willie Roaf
1993-2005
New Orleans Saints
11x Pro Bowl Selection, 9x All-Pro, NFL 1990s All-Decade Team, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame
Funnily enough, big Willie Roaf, a very qualified man for this sort of endeavour, was the last addition to the team. I guess I just don't really like that many tackles, I mean if we were going on a basis of favourites, Brad Hopkins would have taken this slot. And though he was a fine tackle for many years, he doesn't quite fit in here. So I decided that I wanted a Saint. Had to have a Saint. Why not go with a Hall of Famer?Though Willie spent most of his time down in the Big Easy, I know him better as a Chief, where alongside Will Shields and Brian Waters, he was part of one of the best offensive lines in football. Coupled with Trent Green and Priest Holmes, that certainly was a potent attack, wasn't it?
Guard: Bruce Matthews
1983-2001
Houston Oilers
14x Pro Bowl Selection, 10x All-Pro, NFL 1990s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame
A 'best of' team without Bruce Matthews is like a sandwich without bread: it just shouldn't exist. Though it's funny, sometimes Bruce doesn't rank as highly as he should among the all-time greatest guards or centers, simply because he did them all. Tackle, guard, center, wherever you need him, he'd give you everything. He is, in my vaguely biased opinion, the best offensive lineman of all time. His two decades of service are a testament to that.One of my favourite things about Bruce, is that, as Titans fans, he was always ours: he was one of the greatest Houston Oilers, and he ushered us into a new identity alongside McNair, George, Wycheck and others. But when all was said and done, his service was only to one franchise. We never had to see him suit up for an opponent, not even in the twilight of his career.
I wonder if we'll ever see another Titan quite as great as him?
Guard: Mike Munchak
1982-93
Houston Oilers
9x Pro Bowl Selection, 10x All-Pro, NFL 1980s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of FamePardon me for not searching far and wide to find a companion to Bruce Matthews at guard. When one of the other members of the line was a fellow Hall of Famer, separating the two felt unnecessary. And though Munch's career wasn't nearly as long as Bruce's, he has still had the longer tenure with the team, immediately transitioning to coaching in 1994, and, as the Titans' current head coach, has been a steadfast ally for more than thirty years.
Oh Munch. How I would love for you to succeed in the top job, simply because I can't bear to see you anywhere else. Honestly, I don't really know a great deal about Munchak's exploits on the field, as the less ballyhooed member of the o-line, but his credentials speak for themselves. He was damn good.
Center: Mel Hein
1931-45
New York Giants
2x NFL Champion, NFL MVP (1938), 4x Pro Bowl Selection, 5x All-Pro, NFL 75th Anniversary All-Time, Pro Football Hall of Fame
I've only recently learnt about the legend of Mel Hein, but my goodness, what a legend it is. A hybrid center/linebacker, Hein was a charter member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame, an 8-time All-Pro (I've been too lazy to accurately track older players' All-Pro stats, the above numbers reflect only his first-team selections), and above all else, the NFL MVP in 1938. Not as a linebacker, but as a center. Let that sink in for a moment: a center was the league's most valuable player.How fantastic is that? It'd never happen in today's game, no matter how dominant a center might be, but for Hein to have achieved something that was unheard of even in his era, just shows that he was the damned best there was. Also, while constructing this team, I had no idea I'd be grabbing so many players from the 1930's. I feel kinda distinguished.
Defensive End: Bruce Smith
1985-2003
Buffalo Bills
11x Pro Bowl Selection, 11x All-Pro, NFL 1980s All-Decade Team, NFL 1990s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of FameWhat happened to Buffalo football in the 90s is so damned unfair. Four straight Super Bowls, four straight losses. Each time, surely they thought it'd be the time they'd break through, just once, but alas, nothing. Only Don Beebe was able to taste success, by then a bit player with the Packers.
But it certainly wasn't for a lack of trying. Bruce Smith was a sack machine, collecting an NFL-record 200. The man could scarcely be stopped, nailing QBs 171 times in Buffalo, before moving on to D.C. and breaking Reggie White's esteemed total in 2003.
Defensive End: Cameron Wake
2009-present
Miami Dolphins2x Pro Bowl Selection, 2x All-Pro
At a glance, you may find this one a little curious: appointing Cameron Wake to this status in such a short stint? Not one of the other defensive ends I have been a fan of this generation, like Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila or fellow Dolphin Jason Taylor?
No, my friends. Because not only is Cameron Wake a Dolphin. He's also a Lion. No, not that kind. The two time CFL most outstanding defensive player, formerly of the BC Lions. Yep, now it probably makes sense, it's borderline nepotism, but screw it, it's my damn list. At the rate he's going now, Wake may end up being the most successful Lion in the NFL.
...At least until Travis Lulay wins a Super Bowl. Possibly as a member of the BC Lions. Totally might happen.
Defensive Tackle: Warren Sapp
1995-2007
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Super Bowl Champion, 7x Pro Bowl Selection, 6x All-Pro, NFL 1990s All-Decade Team, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame
Out of all the players on here, Warren Sapp could be the most significant. Simply because, had it not been for his exploits, I might have never become an NFL fan to begin with. I may have been a Raiders fan first (Rich Gannon, Charlie Garner, Jerry Rice, et al.), but big Warren, he was just delightful.Whether it was the way he would rumble through the middle en route to the QB, or the way he'd jaw off at an opponent, with this great big grin on his face, looking like some batshit crazy 300-pound Joker. Warren Sapp was just lots of fun to watch, lots of fun to listen to, and he's paid out on me multiple times on Twitter. Which is kinda fun too, but I've learnt to stop Tweeting to him. All I wanted was a reprisal of his pogo stick dance...
Defensive Tackle: William Perry
1985-94
Chicago Bears
Super Bowl Champion
I was surprised that William Perry didn't have more achievements to his name. In actuality, the gargantuan man known as the Refrigerator seems more the beneficiary of being a member of the great Bears teams of the 80s. But he was huge, he was, like Warren previously, great fun, and he was one of the more memorable players of his era.Everyone knew the Fridge. How could you not? He was absolutely massive, and moonlighted famously as a fullback. Definitely not a nice thing to see pre-snap, lined up on the goal line. This particular dream team would be great fun to draw plays up for in the red zone... three-back set. Earl Campbell deep in the backfield. Perry and Nagurski lined up on each side of the QB. Warren Sapp in at tight end. Are that many substitutions legal? I don't know. I don't care. I'll take the penalty just to watch the chaos ensue.
Outside Linebacker: Junior Seau
1990-2009
San Diego Chargers
12x Pro Bowl Selection, 10x All-Pro, San Diego Chargers #55 retired, San Diego Chargers Hall of Fame
Much in the same way Steve McNair's horrific slaying of 2009 devastated me, the confusing, tragic way in which Junior Seau took his life three years later left me, and the world as a whole, without my favourite linebacker of all time. The troubles Seau obviously suffered remain a mystery to me; but it in no way affects the opinion I have of him as a player, and as a man.
Seau was... the Chargers, man. He was one of the most impactful and significant defensive players of all time, and for every bit of a presence he was on the field, he equalled or surpassed that with his leadership and gumption. Upon his death in 2012, the Saints' Eric Olsen told a story, and frankly, the kind of person Seau is needs little more elaboration than this. Without further adieu...
“Wow this is a tough one. When I was a frosh in HS Junior Seau worked the Jay Fiedler Football camp and at the end of one of the days he challenged anyone to a 1-on-1. Being one of the ‘big’ kids, I was volunteered by my buddies and went up in front of the whole camp to face this monster of a man. Shaking in my cleats, he gave me a wink before a coach gave the cadence. He let me pancake him. And he sold it too. I can’t even tell you how good I felt at that moment; it changed me forever. The whole camp cheered for me, a chubby kid that didn’t know if he even liked football. From then on I was addicted. All thanks to this 10-time all-pro that felt like making some snot-nosed kid’s day. Doesn’t seem like much but it meant a lot to me. Sorry for the essay just had to share. RIP Junior I’ll never forget what you did for me.”Outside Linebacker: Keith Bulluck
2000-10
Tennessee Titans
1x Pro Bowl Selection, 3x All-Pro
Oh shut up. I know Keith Bulluck was not the greatest outside linebacker of all time (we all know who that was), but he's definitely the greatest Titans outside linebacker of all time; a speedy, ballhawking tackling machine who would have a long list of credentials if he played on a more publicised team.
Everyone knew Keith was good. Few realised just how good he was, as the leader of the Tennessee defence season after season after season. And as Titans fans, we always knew we could rely on two things: Keith Bulluck would come to play, and Craig Hentrich was freaking awesome.Actually, considering how long and how significant Keith's tenure with the Titans was, it almost feels weird knowing that he wasn't a member of their Super Bowl team. Indeed, it was the very draft that followed that added him to the ranks. One wonders how his presence could have effected the results of that game. But one should probably stop theorising on pointless matters.
Middle Linebacker: Brian Urlacher
2000-12
Chicago Bears
8x Pro Bowl Selection, 5x All-Pro, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team, NFL Defensive Player of the Year (2005)
Though he was clearly one of the best mike backers of this generation, now that he has retired (in a fairly bitter manner), the story of Brian Urlacher may be one that asks: what could have been?
Bruising, punishing and cerebral, Urlacher was everything you wanted in a middle linebacker. He was a stalwart on some of the amazing Bear defences of the mid-00's, leading them to a Super Bowl in 2006, a Super Bowl that ended terribly for everyone in the world. Then, he started to get knicked up here and there. Extended period missed here, season ending injury there. Despite all this, you still figured that when his contract was up, they'd find a way to keep him on-board.But it didn't happen. A lot of things didn't happen for poor old Brian. He'll still be remembered fondly as one of the all-time great Bears, but in the greater scheme of NFL history? We'll see.
Middle Linebacker: London Fletcher
1998-present
Washington Redskins
Super Bowl Champion, 4x Pro Bowl Selection, 2x All-Pro, St. Louis Rams 10th Anniversary Team
It's not necessarily unusual for a middle linebacker to hang around for a long time, seeing a decreased role as he shifts from crucial cog to spiritual leader. But for London Fletcher, entering his sixteenth season, he seems to be entering the best part of his career. Undrafted in 1998, Fletcher made his name as part of the unheralded Rams' Super Bowl defence. He chilled with the Bills for a while, routinely featured among the league's leading tacklers, before landing with the Redskins. Isn't it surprising, then, how all of his Pro Bowl selections have come in the last four seasons, also garnering second-team All-Pro honours in '11 and '12.
An undersized guy from a small school, Fletcher truly worked his ass off to earn everything he's accomplished, and is likely my favourite undrafted player of all time (props to Rod Smith, too).
Cornerback: Ronde Barber
1997-2012
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Super Bowl Champion, 5x Pro Bowl Selection, 5x All-Pro, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team
When Tiki Barber was taken in the second round by the New York Giants in 1997, he became the Barber twin of note. Big city, big status, big results. Ronde was drafted one round later by Tampa Bay, and quietly, efficiently, achieved much greater success without nearly as much fanfare.Ronde was a multifaceted defensive back who played smart and played hard, as evident in the fact that he is the only player in NFL history with 40+ interceptions and 20+ sacks. Like a lot of great cornerbacks, he transitioned to safety to close out his career, and in the one season at the new position, had 91 tackles, 13 passes defenced, 4 interceptions for 160 yards and a forced fumble. Definitely a raging success in year one, and it's the reason I was so shocked when he chose to call it quits.
It seems to me as though Ronde could have continued roaming the field for two more seasons, at least, but I guess playing well as an old man on a poor team isn't exactly the most appealing option. He'll always have his ring, he'll always have a place in Bucs' history, and he'll always have the one-up on Tiki.
Cornerback: Charles Woodson
1998-present
Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl Champion, 8x Pro Bowl Selection, 7x All-Pro, NFL Defensive Player of the Year (2009), NFL 2000s All-Decade Team
As you may have noticed, when I list each player, I'm not detailing each and every team they played for, instead opting to include only their team of most significance, and up to this point, the team which they stayed with for the longer duration. In Charles Woodson's case, his career has mostly seen him in black and silver, but he saw his greatest success as a Green Bay Packer, and as such, that is the version that I am including in this squad.When Woodson left Oakland, I thought his best days were behind him. A crucial member of the Raiders' defence back when they were good, he saw his latter years shortened by injury. I figured he would make a good #2 behind Al Harris, diminishing each year and then quietly disappearing. A nice career, to be sure.
The resurgence he had, becoming the league's best cornerback, and in 2009, the best defender of all, was something else. He was a definite leader amongst the younger core that included Clay Matthews and B.J. Raji, and though he ultimately had his Super Bowl victory cut short by an injury, it surely made the championship no less sweet.
...Though that's a presumptuous thing to say. For all I know, he's bitter as fuck about it. But I kinda doubt it.
Cornerback: Ty Law
1995-2009
New England Patriots
3x Super Bowl Champion, 5x Pro Bowl Selection, 2x All-Pro, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team, New England Patriots 50th Anniversary Team
He fought the Law... And the Law won!
Back when I started watching football, it was a pretty safe guess to assume the Patriots were going to win the Super Bowl. Because, golly, they sure did it a lot, coming out on top three times in four seasons. And as the impressionable youth I was, I learnt fast who these cunning villains were - chief among them, for reasons of talent, results, and a name that's cooler than the other side of the pillow, was Ty Law.Before Asante Samuel hit the scene, Law was the guy in the defensive backfield, picking off passes with such ease, you'd think he was the intended receiver. He was also a physical defender who liked to bully receivers, to the point where officiating crews were forced to tighten up on how much contact they allowed corners to get away with.
Free Safety: Sean Taylor
2004-07
Washington Redskins
2x Pro Bowl Selection, 1x All-Pro, Washington Redskins Ring of Fame
Thinking about how good Sean Taylor was in his short career makes me feel nostalgic. Thinking about how his life was so cruelly stolen away makes me feel mad as hell.
Sean Taylor was on a distinguished path. On the field, he was so damned mean; getting into some altercations along the way (not so big on that), but more importantly, he laid some absolutely brutal hits. He was a one-man wrecking crew, prowling about the field and then closing in on his hapless target like a missile. His hit on Brian Moorman in the 2006 Pro Bowl was a thing of absolute beauty, and a sad reminder of how the exhibition game used to be played.The way he left this world was wrong in ways you can hardly express. He wasn't able to fulfil his career potential, but more importantly, he didn't get to see his daughter grow. He certainly left an impression on me, in the short time I was able to see him in action.
Strong Safety: John Lynch
1993-2007
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Super Bowl Champion, 9x Pro Bowl Selection, 4x All-Pro, NFL Alumni Defensive Back of the Year (2000)
In case you couldn't tell by now, I really liked the Buccaneers' championship defence. The third member of my Tampa Bay love affair is possibly the hardest hitting of them all. John Lynch, man, he just flew, didn't he? When I think of the term 'laying the wood', Lynch is typically the guy who comes to mind.In today's NFL, Lynch would probably be fined the equivalent of the US economy, but back in his day, Lynch was just demonstrative. He hit, he knew where to go, he played the game the right way. He was certainly appropriately suited to the position of 'strong' safety. You could also accept 'mean' safety, 'brutal' safety, and possibly 'spiffy' safety.
Kicker: Jason Elam
1993-2009
Denver Broncos
2x Super Bowl Champion, 3x Pro Bowl Selection, 3x All-Pro, NFL's longest field goal (63 yards), Denver Broncos 50th Anniversary Team
There was a distinct lack of UH alumni on my team, and I was worried that I wouldn't find a spot for one (lest I deploy Greg Salas at wide receiver), but I found one who suited the cause, and he managed something only three other men have equalled.
A 63-yard field goal. I don't think I could kick that far if you combined four of my attempts. Elam kicked them hard and he kicked them true, nailing 428 of 527 field goal attempts (81.2%) and netting 1,983 points in his career, 7th in the all-time rankings.
Oh, and while we're at it, Elam also holds the records for most seasons with 100 or more points (16), most consecutive seasons of 100 or more points (16), most consecutive games scoring to start a career (263) and most career overtime field goals (9), just in case you weren't sold yet.
Punter: Ray Guy
1973-86
Oakland Raiders
3x Super Bowl Champion, 7x Pro Bowl Selection, 8x All-Pro, NFL's 75th Anniversary Team, NFL 1970s All-Decade TeamOh look, it's Ray Guy. Also known as the greatest punter of all time. Sometimes known as the single most ridiculous fucking omission from the Pro Football Hall of Fame year after year. I've been on this tirade once before, back in 2010, and unfortunately Ray is no closer to the hallowed halls of Canton as he was back then.
I get it: punters play a lesser role on your team than other positions. But if the point of the Hall is to honour the very best, Ray Guy is first-ballot. He simply is the most decorated, most celebrated punter to ever play the position; the only other to come close being his distant successor, Shane Lechler.
Part of me is hopeful that I'll see the day Guy is enshrined, as he so obviously deserves, but the fact that he has been eligible for, what, 21 years, and rarely escapes the first round of cuts, is certainly a damning obstacle. One day, Ray. We'll show them all.
Head Coach: John Madden
1967-78
Oakland Raiders
Super Bowl Champion, 1969 PFW AFL Coach of the Year, 103-32-7 regular season record, Pro Football Hall of Fame
Was John Madden the greatest coach of all time? Not really. You could name a lot of coaches with more lustre, from Vince Lombardi to Bill Belichick. Including playoffs, he does have the second-highest winning percentage of all time, but more importantly to me... he is a great, big, wacky buffoon whose legacy on football transcends his accomplishments on the Raiders' sidelines.His name, of course, is synonymous with football video games, and his 30 years of fantastic commentary with Pat Summerall and Al Michaels left an indelible mark on us all.
"Boom!" "Whap!" "Doink!"
Owner: Jack Kent Cooke
1961-97
Washington Redskins
3x Super Bowl Champion
The way Jack Kent Cooke rose to the top is truly the way it's supposed to be done. Growing up in Ontario in the 20s, Cooke made his start selling encyclopaedias and soap. Through good business savvy and networking, he moved onto radio and newspapers, finally making his start in sports entrepreneurship in 1951.
His success was not limited to football. He brought the NHL to Los Angeles, winning the bid for the franchise he would call the Kings. As owner of the Los Angeles Lakers, his teams appeared in 7 NBA Finals, claiming the 1972 championship.But above all else, from 1982 to 1991, his Washington Redskins won three Super Bowls. His death led to the downfall of the Redskins, as his son was outbid by the deep pockets of Daniel Snyder. The wonderfully named Jack Kent Cooke Stadium (posthumously named) became yet another empty corporate shell, FedEx Field, and Snyder has been chided multiple times for trying too hard to make his imprint on the once proud franchise.
GM: Pat Gillick (w/ Paul Beeston as advisor)
1978-2008
Toronto Blue Jays
3x World Series Champion, Toronto Blue Jays Level of Excellence, National Baseball Hall of Fame
Whaaaaaaaaat? As general manager, I have appointed a man who has never had anything to do with the National Football League?Yes, indeed! I want success, and I want to push the envelope. I want fresh ideas, and I seek them, oddly enough, from a 76-year old man. With Gillick as GM, the Toronto Blue Jays won five division titles and two championships: the man knows how to construct a winner. And if you're concerned that his playing history and, indeed, his entire career, was based only in baseball, I pull out the trump card: Paul Beeston. The business-minded Beeston was also instrumental in the Jays success, and spent one season as Team President of the CFL's Toronto Argonauts, to boot. If I could be bothered creating another section (honest to God, I'm far too tired to give this any more effort), I'd appoint Beeston as President of my fictional squad, but you get the point.
...Now to get some shut-eye. And possibly some Super Bowl rings.
