Havoc in Heaven

After discarding my WCW toys yesterday, something odd happened. Though a bit of bleary-eyed nostalgia was to be expected, I actually ended up thinking a whole lot about pro wrestling again.

Not that I want to start watching it again, because in my surly opinion, the product is no longer up to snuff. What it's made me decide, however, is that I never properly ended my obsession with a great send-off.

Here and there across the web, you'll find people's dream card. In other words, their ideal schedule of matches. The way one person phrased it however, is the card they'd get to watch in heaven, and I like that image a whole lot better. Probably because in my mind it makes the wrestling ring planted on a mass of clouds. I'm odd like that.

So, with no rules on ages or eras, let's see what I come up with. A brief warning: most of the card is made up with WWE alumni, because it's the program I watched for the longest period of time. Also, because of my fairly short-lived viewership, you'll not see many classic wrestlers present here. Sorry, y'all. In this vein, your commentators for tonight are Jerry 'the King' Lawler and good ol' JR, Jim Ross. BAH GAWD!

The venue: Madison Square Garden
The most exciting event in the world has to take place in one of the most exciting cities in the world. It has the name, the fame, and the luster necessary for a night this grand. Failing this, an arena that looks like heaven, with clouds and angels and shit like that will suffice.

The dark match: René Duprée vs. Finlay (c) for US title
Singles match
You may think it odd for me to schedule a dark match in heaven, when I can make the broadcast to last as long as I like, but I like to do things by the numbers.

To warm the crowd up (the crowd of clouds and angels and shit), I'm pitting a talented yet unpolished performer against a dependable, technically sound veteran.

They typically like to have multi-man battle royales for the dark match, to really get the blood pumping, but I figured that would just be a cheap way for me to slot in all of the other wrestlers I couldn't otherwise fit on the program.

The night begins, as per usual, with the American national anthem, which Duprée cuts short with an obnoxious promo. Boom, you've got the crowd riled up.

Midway, Duprée's mic cuts out, and Finlay appears from the stands, slamming Duprée for his disrespect. Crowd now behind Finlay. However, Finlay commences singing the national anthem, horribly and off-key. He flubs the words, and then stops altogether, stating that it's a horrible anthem. Crowd now jeering both wrestlers.

Why do this, when it would be so easy to back Finlay as a defender of America for a cheap pop? Because we all know Finlay would never do that. A heel vs. heel opener is a unique way to rev up the crowd, and because it isn't televised, you don't have to worry about looking bad if a 'this match sucks' chant starts up. Not that it would suck, but even in heaven, wrestling fans are pretty freaking stupid.

Finally, authorizing an anthem cut-off in a house show was the ludicrous reason Finlay was dropped by the WWE in the first place. In my heaven show, he can get away with it, because it's a funny angle.

The title defense is just there to add intrigue to the bout. Duprée had the charisma, the look and the ability to have been given a Randy Orton-like push as the young buck taking wrestling by storm, but he was held back with the French gimmick. Not a bad gimmick per se, but it wasn't going to see him through to top billing. Finlay roughs him up for him for most of the match, and retains the title. No appearance by Hornswoggle, because that shit was overdone to high hell already.

1. Lance Storm w/Dawn Marie vs. Chris Jericho
Singles
First televised match on the card is a carbon copy of the opener to ECW One Night Stand in 2005. Because, in my opinion, the first match is the second most important one, behind only the main event. You want it to be fast-paced, well-executed and exciting.

That's exactly what you got from Storm/Jericho in '05, and that's what you get here. The choreography and timing is simply amazing, from two veteran guys whose very first match of their career was against one another.

One of the things I love about Lance Storm is that, during his later years, you forgot how athletic he was. Predominantly a heel, he mostly stuck to technical wrestling, to prevent the crowd from cheering for the wrong guy. However, he moved more beautifully, fluently and catlike than nearly any other wrestler his size.

He could flip, spin and leap atop the turnbuckle with hardly any effort, seemingly just as easily in his older age as when he was in his prime. Just look at the gore he took from Rhyno prior to his retirement. He even made that look fantastic.

Anyway, I'm trying to make this match unique from One Night Stand, but I'm struggling to, because I enjoyed that match so much. Throw in some spots from Storm vs. Jerry Lynn in Anarchy Rulz '99, and you've got an audience absolutely gobsmacked. The finish starts with Jericho about to lock on the Walls of Jericho. Storm slips under and boots Jericho into the ropes. As he rebounds, Storm rolls him through to finish him off with the Canadian Maple Leaf, but Jericho manages to roll one more time to gain the leverage and apply the Walls, causing Storm to tap.

Also... since I've plugged the One Night Stand match so much, I figure you'll go and watch it now, if you haven't already. As such, allow me to stray from the course a bit and share another Storm/Jericho match, ten years prior...

2. William Regal, Chavo Guerrero & Jerry Lynn vs. Booker T, Goldust & Rob Van Dam
6-man tag team
This was originally slated as a second dark match, but it became too exciting in my mind and had to be shifted to part of the billing.

I loved the chemistry in the Booker T/Goldust promos, so you'd best believe I'll fit in the opportunity to have a spot with the two of them doing something funny. Something like, Booker does the spin-a-roonie, then Goldust does one that fails miserably. Splendid.

William Regal is one of the most under-appreciated wrestlers of all, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. He's great in the ring and solid on the mic, but never saw much of a push. It's a crime. He'll juxtapose the other fast-paced combatants with some solid grappling. It's like I've said a few times: PACING.

Throw in some fast-paced spots between Chavo and RVD, interchanging the former with Lynn in a throwback to ECW glory days, and you've got yourself a nice match here. Finisher is a Booker T scissor kick followed by RVD landing the five-star frog splash. Afterwards, Booker and Goldust celebrate by attempting the spin-a-roonie again. Then RVD does one that looks even better than Booker's. He shrugs, because he's cool like that.

3. Trish Stratus vs. Lita (c) for women's championship
Singles
To make things clear, there is no T&A in this one. This is a proper match, without the stripping, the mud wrestling or the spanking. Because that stuff might be okay (and quite welcome) for filler, but this is a title match. And it was because of the efforts of Stratus and Lita that the women's division was able to sustain credible matches in the mid '00s.

One of the things I like best about Lita is that she's fearless. I was never a big fan of her's, but when I saw her do a suicide dive through the ropes following neck surgery, I knew that she would give it all for a good spot.

No deadly spots in this one. Lita does land a moonsault for a near-fall, though.

Pretty back and forth fight here, with Lita becoming the aggressor towards the end. However, Stratus gets the win with a surprise schoolgirl (dammit, even the pin sounds dirty), becoming the new women's champion.

4. Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. Shelton Benjamin
Best of 3 falls
If my card was running a little too predictably so far, hopefully this will shake things up a bit. Traditionally, a best of 3 falls match is reserved for solid technical wrestlers, who can slow things down a bit to stop either competitor from getting gassed. That'll be Benjamin's role, but it'll be interspersed with some wacky high-flying spots.

Strictly speaking, my card lacks a cruiserweight bout, which is a fundamental flaw that made me consider shifting Chavo Guerrero in this spot, but I think the juxtaposition of the flea-like Mysterio against the burly yet agile Benjamin would be sufficient. To maintain heel status, Benjamin won't be shooting around with a lot of regularity, but some simple stuff that looks great (flipping as a counter to a hold and the like) will be present. The first fall is quickly taken by Mysterio, as Benjamin tries in vain to simply pummel the smaller opponent, whose speed is enough to keep distance. In the second, Benjamin puts the brakes on and grounds Mysterio with various submissions, targeting the legs in particular. Mysterio taps to put them at one apiece.

Now hobbling, Mysterio struggles through the third, focusing on avoiding Benjamin's lethal holds. Benjamin takes this chance to begin showing off, now starting to break out the athleticism. It backfires, with Mysterio catching him in the drop toehold (of doom!), followed by the 619. Mysterio takes to the apron, ready to land the west coast pop. The groggy Benjamin gets to his feet and Mysterio launches off the ropes, but Benjamin catches him in the air. BOOM. Powerbomb. Benjamin gets the three count for the win.

5. Hollywood Hulk Hogan & Mr. Perfect vs. 'Macho Man' Randy Savage & mystery partner
Tag
My marquee WCW match features a whole slew of veterans. In case you're wondering, yes, this match is preceded by a batshit crazy Randy Savage promo (conducted by Mean Gene Okerlund), and it is utterly fantastic. It has all the frills necessary, including a suspenseful beginning with Savage entering the ring without any partner to be found.

Hogan and Hennig mock Savage on the mic (they're in their nWo iterations for this imaginary scenario, but Hennig will still be billed as 'Mr. Perfect' for purity's sake. It goes without saying, but Savage is not in nWo form, because that would be awkward), and make their way towards the ring. Suddenly, the lights go off. The arena is in darkness (if this event is indeed set in the heavenly clouds, I have no idea how this works logistically). Then, the lights begin flashing. Savage has disappeared.

Then, from the ceiling, he descends. IT'S STING. HELLZ YEAH. Savage reappears from under the ring, allowing him and Sting to get a quick jump on the opponents.

Anyhow, this match runs smooth as silk, because it's basically four veterans who all know what they're doing. Things really pick up a clip when it's Mr. Perfect and Savage in the ring, because good lord, Randy Savage was ahead of his time. He was a big man who moved lightning quick, and he is most certainly missed.

The match descends into chaos when the referee is knocked out, leading to Hogan and Hennig handcuffing Savage to the ropes, pummelling him brutally. Sting evens the odds by letting loose on the nWo members with his famous baseball bat. The referee comes to and sees Sting using the illegal weapon, though seems completely oblivious to the fact that his partner is handcuffed to the ropes. Sting and Savage are disqualified, leading to a bevy of angry boos from the crowd. In response, Sting cracks the referee with the bat. The crowd is pleased.

Halftime performance: Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury & Stevie Wonder
What? A halftime show in a wrestling event? You're damn right, because putting together a Super Bowl schedule is much less in-depth, and I would go nuts over a concert of this magnitude. I don't know whose songs they perform, and I don't care. It'll sound absolutely brilliant.

To keep confused wrestling fans appeased, René Duprée comes out and tries to bully the singers around. Stevie Wonder responds by getting up and socking Duprée in the face. It is the biggest pop of the night, and the moment people discuss for years to come.

6. The Dudley Boyz w/Spike Dudley (c) vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. Edge & Christian for the tag team championship
TLC
Figuring out where to put this one was absolute hell. Originally I had it at the bottom of the undercard, right before the main event. However, I took a brief look through PPV history, and it occurred to me that there is a significant gap between the TLC matches and the main event. My guess is that this is because the TLC matches always run for so long, and with so much excitement, that they need to give the crowd a chance to catch their breath. Maybe I should have slotted this one before my halftime show? I hesitate to do so, because there would be way too much debris in the ring for my taste.

Anyhow, TLC matches are always something special to watch, and these are the teams that made it famous. Whether it was Edge hitting the spear on a suspended Jeff Hardy, dangling from the belt, or that same Jeff Hardy leaping from atop the ladder onto a prone enemy below (in many different matches, with many variations of jump, in many different landing positions), it was just a great big spectacle of men brutalising themselves in ways that really should not happen.

I could feel guilty for subjecting them to yet another one of these matches, but this is my event, dammit, and if I want guys hurtling 20 feet off a ladder onto a guy on a table who has a chair propped atop him, then I am going to get it!

The signature bump will consist of Jeff Hardy (because when you want a really big bump, you go to Jeff) copping a 3D off the top of the ladder through four tables next to the ring. Logistically, I don't know how exactly you'd get all three guys up there, or how you'd get guys as big as Bubba and D-Von to make enough distance to clear the ring, but we'll leave that one up to God (who's enjoying the action from a box seat). In the end, Christian is the last surviving competitor fit enough to nab the belts for himself and Edge.

7. Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero (c) for intercontinental title
Singles
This is a bit of shaky territory right here. I still have not forgiven Chris Benoit for his actions of that horrible day in June, and frankly, I don't know if I ever will. I know, years of abuse led to brain damage so severe it supposedly resembled that of an 85-year-old Alzheimer patient's, but for a man to take the lives of anyone innocent, let alone his wife and young child... It's just not something I will readily forgive. I don't know all of the details. I probably never will.

However, this is my heaven scenario, and, immature as it may be... in this imaginary event, the deaths of Chris Benoit and his family did not occur. I will always respect Chris Benoit as a wrestler, in much the same way that people still respect the playing ability of O.J. Simpson. As I said however, I am yet to forgive him as a human being.

As for Guerrero, he was one of those guys who seemed to get better with age. Years of cheating, cowering and lying made him sound like the prototypical heel, but when he was finally pushed to the top of the federation as champion, it wasn't with a change in gimmick, but with a newfound appreciation. He did those same things as before... but we loved him for it.

This match is basically a montage of all the things the two were famous for. Eddie hits the triple suplex, and in return Benoit does the triple German suplex. Eddie nails a frog splash, and later on, Benoit lands the diving headbutt. Late in the match, Chavo Guerrero makes an appearance, distracting the referee and allowing Eddie to grab a chair (I love how dumb the referees are in kayfabe). Eddie throws it to Benoit and falls to the mat in his famous ruse, but before the referee turns to see Benoit looking like the guilty party with chair in hand, Benoit responds by simply putting the chair down and sitting on it. In my mind, it is the most hilarious, bizarre twist on a tried and true Guerrero staple, and I don't think it had ever been done in actuality. I had to include it somehow, and I didn't want two finishes with a DQ on the same card.

Benoit launches off the turnbuckle for another headbutt, Guerrero counters, and pins Benoit with his feet on the ropes for leverage. Guerrero celebrates his IC championship defence with Chavo. Christ, we should have had so many more moments like this. R.I.P. Eddie.

Filler: Starring Rowdy Rodder Piper and possibly some divas
I don't know what to put here, but my card needed more fluff. Also, I felt bad that I couldn't find a place to fit Piper, so I inserted him here. You can fill in the blanks as to what goes on during this quick break from the action, but my suggestion is Piper judging a bikini contest, where the final entrant turns out to be Goldust. In horror and disgust, Piper socks Goldy in the face, then shrugs and still awards him as the winner of the contest. I don't know, I'm not good with this stuff.

8. The Rock vs. 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs. Cactus Jack vs. Kane for heavyweight title shot at next PPV
Fatal 4-way
This match is on the card based solely on star power. All of the competitors are solid wrestlers, but it was the energy they created, the electricity and excitement, that makes their inclusion necessary.

The Rock and Austin are automatic, and Kane (masked, of course!) fills a void left by the absence of big men in this event. Because, generally speaking, they don't move well, and the matches can be boring as a result.

The match begins early, when Cactus Jack first appears, only to be assaulted by Austin (whom Cactus had jumped weeks prior to this) on the stage below the TitanTron. I am doing this for one reason and one reason only: SO THAT FOLEY CAN TAKE A BUMP.

I mean, ideally, Cactus would be having a hardcore match of some sort, but I've already had that sort of thing with the TLC bout. So instead, I've simplified it to Austin throwing Cactus through a sheet of glass or onto the floor below. It's unfair to make him suffer a bump that early that could affect his in-ring performance, but hey, this is heaven, he can take it.

Eventually, the match reaches the ring, where the four men constantly double-team and backstab one another to claim the victory. Such a frenetic atmosphere would be havoc to run smoothly, but once again, I've got veteran guys who know how to make a match flow. In case you were wondering, there's an abundance of countered finishers happening here, for another particular reason: if you land the finishers too much without being able to win, it makes them look weaker as a result.

Most failed pins after finishers are the results of intervention by one of the other two guys. Also, there's no count out, so that there can be some more antics out on the floor around the ring. Poor Foley, he's getting knocked around in my fictional world.

I'm really struggling to decide the victor in this one. I think I'll go with Austin nailing three straight stunners on all of his opponents to be the last man standing. I just figure it would be an awesome pop, and if it doesn't flow very well, you could slow it down by adding in something cool, like after he hits the first two stunners on Kane and Cactus, The Rock knocks him down in the middle of the ring. Time for the people's elbow, which hadn't been seen up to this point. The Rock bounces from one end to the other, and then... woosh, Austin gets to his feet, stunner #3. Pinfall. The crowd goes freaking ballistic.

I don't know about you, but this event sounds pretty damn exciting to me.

9. Bret Hart (c) vs. Kurt Angle for the heavyweight championship of the world
Singles
Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. Yes yes. This right here is a dream match, quite unlike most of the other ones on this card. Because, as you might have realised, nearly all of the other matches have happened at some point. I wasn't trying to assemble the 'best that never was' with this, rather I was trying to put together the best show ever.

With this fight, however, I pit two of the greatest wrestlers of all time against one another, a pair of men whose careers just barely went past one another, preventing this bout from ever occurring. Bret Hart is the pride of Calgary, Alberta, Canada (let's say he's the red of the flag to Lance Storm's white!), a celebrated champion whose matches are the stuff of legend. On the other side, Kurt Angle is the golden boy from Pittsburgh, the legitimate Olympic medalist whose quick transition from amateur wrestling to pro rasslin' was simply amazing. For a guy who won gold in a sport that scarcely resembles the exploits of WWE, he made it seem as though it came naturally to him.

The two were everything you wanted in a wrestler: smart, fundamentally sound and supremely talented. They knew how to make a match flow and how to play an audience, and that feeling when they locked in their signature submissions... you knew shit was about to get real.

I don't know which era I'm plucking each from, so no, don't ask me whether or not Angle is bald, because I simply don't know. Rest assured, it won't be during his brief wig phase.

I've even got an angle leading up to this one, and it is based of course on their place in their countries' mythos. It's Canada vs. USA, the ultimate struggle between neighbouring nations constantly trying to outdo one another. And, uniquely, this would allow the two to swap their roles as face and heel depending on where each show took place. A night in Denver? Kurt Angle covers the Americans from coast to coast. A day in Toronto? The crowd would simply go nuts for Bret Hart.

It's like the Boston Bruins' win that left Canada gobsmacked, in response to Sidney Crosby's golden goal that shellshocked America. It's back and forth, good vs. evil interchangeable according to your side of the border, and brought to you by two of the best wrestlers of all time.

This match will be up there with Storm/Jericho and Benoit/Guerrero for being a sheer wrestling clinic, complete of course with near falls and all the other frills. As this is being held in New York (or heaven), remember that Bret Hart and Canada play the villain here. So when Lance Storm comes running down towards the ring, you know that something bad is about to happen. In response, Steve Austin makes his way into the arena to prevent Storm's interference.

The stars come tearing out in their numbers; Jericho, Benoit, Edge and Christian among the Canadian battlers, pitted against The Rock, Hogan, Sting, etc.

The match looks more like a lumberjack brawl with the multitude of wrestlers fighting each other on the outside, with the crowd going nuts as to what they're seeing, all the while, Hart and Angle being the focal point on the inside. Finally, Angle Slam, 1, 2, 3.

America has won the title back from the villains in Canada. Their forces begin to overwhelm the canucks outside, and the American wrestlers all enter the ring, where Angle leads them and the crowd in singing the Star-Spangled Banner.

...Because don't forget, this show began with the national anthem being interrupted, and you'd best believe that they wouldn't let it end that way.

Wow. There you go, huh? That turned out a lot more thorough than I had ever intended, and I fear I may have lapsed from descriptive to ranting and raving as the ideas came spilling out of my head.

I guess I should thank pro wrestling for the years of memories it has given me, as well as a generation after me, and many generations before. Lord knows how I'll be able to top this in next year's PPV. Though, maybe I could ask him? Let me see if I can find that box seat...