Thursday, August 26, 2010

Back in the land of Oz...

My three-month sabbatical is over, and yesterday Jess and I returned home to Australia.

And I beg the question - where the sun at? Who gave permission for winter to be happening? And what is with all of this green grass?? I don't remember that from before I left.

All I know is that Australia has become a weird, scary place in the time that I've been gone... And it looks like Tony's got some fixin' to do.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Jimmie Johnson's penis

Alright, follow me on this one. I'm in a condo in Hawai'i. I've had some beers, I've got a beautiful view of Waikiki out the window and a balcony to sit back on and cackle about the wonders of my life.

...But all I can think about is how upset I am over Jimmie Johnson's ExtenZe ad. In it, he claims that, despite his success as a coach and a broadcaster, the question he gets asked most often is if ExtenZe (a sexual stimulant) really works. I call balls on that one. If I saw Jimmie Johnson walking down the street, I would not enthusiastically approach him with the sole intention of asking him if his medicine gives him an erection. Really. I mean, where does the conversation go from there? It'd be like meeting Arnold Schwarzenegger and grilling him solely on an age-old nude photo I found one unfortunate, blustery night while flipping through the pages of an old Playboy mag.

Not to mention, now I can't stop thinking about Jimmie Johnson's unit. With a black and white Arnie standing nearby, proudly flexing. What a horrible, unusual problem to be having while on holiday in Hawai'i.

...And now, I'm thinking about how Arnie follows me on Twitter. And I feel guilty for every crass thing I say on Twitter - every swear, every bold statement, every snide remark... And now, the naked, monotone Arnold is shaking his head in disapproval. But still, Jimmie Johnson seems unfazed, giving away his apparently redundant Super Bowl rings, standing proud and tall in more ways than one.

Blogs like this are unfortunate. But I can make them, because nobody reads it. Tonight, Jimmie Johnson's penis. Tomorrow... who knows?

Monday, August 2, 2010

...What about that Guy?

Call me crazy for spending my last day here in Courtenay making a blog entry, and call me crazy for making a blog entry about the Pro Football Hall of Fame in August, but there's a growing concern I have for parity in the selection process of the HOF.

It's a well-known fact that, if you want to be a contender for the Hall, your best bet is to play quarterback or offensive line. In the modern era alone, there are 23 HOF QBs, ranging from Y.A. Tittle and his career QB rating of 73.6 to Terry Bradshaw, career QB rating of 70.9. We'll forgive the former considering the age he played in, and we'll chalk up the latter's career success to the strength of the Steelers of the 70s. I know, I know... You'll fault me for taking shots at a man whose strength lied in his grit and ability to win when it counted. But what I'm saying is, as long as you win as a QB, all the rest will be forgotten.

Success, or even statistics, does not however, mean that everyone is viewed as equal in the selection process. How many offensive players are there in the HOF? 160. Defensive? 68. Special teamers? 1.

Jan Stenerud is the only 'pure' kicker to be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Only two kickers were nominated in the preliminary round of Hall of Famers for 2010. Neither of them made it to the semifinals. One of them, Gary Anderson, had 2,434 career points scored - second-most of all time, and 432 more points than hall of famer George Blanda.


But I'm not here to argue who's the better kicker. ...It's obviously Anderson - Blanda was only 335 for 641 attempts, but Blanda was the better everything else. Right. Sorry.

If the Pro Football Hall of Fame is about enshrining the best players, there is one glaring omission. Because there was one man who truly dominated his position like no other, one man who epitomised the prototypical player of the position, and one who, had he played on offence, would have been the equivalent to Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith this year - a HOF lock.

That man is Ray Guy.

Drafted in the first round of the 1973 draft, Ray Guy would go on to have arguably the most prolific career for a pure punter. His pedigree (as per the ocassionally reliable Wikipedia) includes:

Played in 207 consecutive games
Punted 1,049 times for 44,493 yards, averaging 42.4 yards per punt, with a 33.8 net yards average
Had 210 punts inside the 20 yard line (not counting his first 3 seasons, when the NFL did not keep track of this stat), with just 128 touchbacks
Led the NFL in punting three times
Had a streak of 619 consecutive punts before having one blocked
Has a record of 111 career punts in post season games
Had five punts of over 60 yards during the 1981 season
Never had a punt returned for a touchdown

Statistically, the man is rock solid. And as for success? You best believe he had it. As Wikipedia claims:

7× Pro Bowl selection (1973, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978, 1980)
6× First-team All-Pro selection (1973, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978)
2× Second-team All-Pro Selection (1979, 1980)
3× Super Bowl champion (XI, XV, XVIII)
NFL's 75th Anniversary Team
NFL 1970s All-Decade Team
Mississippi Sports Hall of Fame
Georgia Sports Hall of Fame
College Football Hall of Fame

If this league is all about rings, Guy's got his. He's also been honoured on nearly every other level of recognition. Put simply, if I had to pick one pure punter from league history, it would be Ray Guy.

Are punters as important as any other position in the game of football? No. I can't claim that they are; they're arguably the most expendable of the positions (except perhaps fullback, and I hate that fact too!). Can they win games for you? Why yes, they can, actually. Field position is recognised as a crucial aspect of the game, though somehow it's the return men who get the kudos for this most of the time.
Pro Football Hall of Fame historian Joe Horrigan said of Guy, "He's the first punter you could look at and say, 'He won games'."

It's a crying shame. Ray Guy has been eligible for 19 years, and he doesn't seem any closer now than he did any other year. It's also an unfortunate foretelling of what will likely happen to fellow Oakland Raider Shane Lechler when his time comes, and a damning confirmation that my boy Craig Hentrich will most likely never come close to Canton.

There are many factors to blame. Sammy Baugh, for one, had great statistical success as a punter, but would he have ever been enshrined had he not been the multi-position threat that he was, ala Blanda? Probably not. But the thing is, because of guys like Blanda and Baugh, who played multiple positions; in the minds of selectors, kickers and punters have their representatives in the HOF.

To others, though, sometimes we wonder how much of the selection process lies in simple starry-eyed adoration, as opposed to credentials and genuine superiority at what they do? It's for these reasons that I celebrate Desmond Howard's Super Bowl XXXI MVP all those years ago, and still attest, and will do until my death, that the MVP of Super Bowl XLI should not have been Peyton Manning, but oft-forgotten Dominic Rhodes (21 carries for 113 yards and a TD). He may not be a special teamer, but he's a little guy who made it happen.

...And speaking of little guys who made it happen, there's another fellow who will be eligible for the Pro Football Hall of Fame next year. At the professional level, he had three championships, 369 touchdowns (three more than Peyton Manning), 58,179 passing yards (6,704 more than John Elway) and an unheralded six MVP awards.


You may say this means jack all in the NFL, but last I checked, it was called the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Stay tuned...