Tony's top 20 male wrestlers

It seems we're going through one of those phases where my passion for wrestling is reignited; no sooner did I finally push out the sequel to HiH (something I had been working on for months), I've gone back into my old obsession. And what better way to celebrate my decades of fandom than by counting down... yes, you heard it here... my top 20 male wrestlers of all time?!

As dormant as my wrestling obsession is, it's still managed to be an ever-shifting and evolving creature, so this list could be shaken up time and time again as I broaden my horizons. For now, at least, it's pretty solid. Let me take you on a journey through the squared circle...!

#20: Goldust
Real name: Dustin Virgil Riley Runnels III
Debut: 1988
From: Hollywood, California
Height: 6'6" Weight: 232 lbs.
By and large, I'm not a fan of gimmicks. When done wrong, they can completely belittle the talents of competent wrestlers, overtaking the actual athlete to become their main, damning aspect (see: Terry Taylor as the Red Rooster). Occasionally, a gimmick works, and becomes a crucial component that can separate your typical wrestler from the crowd (see: Mark Calloway as the Undertaker).

Where do I stand, then, on Goldust? On the one hand, I actually adore the character - his promos have been some of the best in the business over the years, his look is unique, and his persona and in-ring antics are hilarious. On the other hand, people tend to forget that Dustin Runnels is actually a really freakin' good wrestler: his pace and in-ring psychology are solid, and some may assume that his flamboyant character have relegated him to the role of 'supporting cast'. You'll never have Goldust as your heavyweight champion, but based on his merit alone, Runnels would suit the role nicely.

#19: Rey Mysterio
Real name: Óscar Gutiérrez
Debut: 1989
From: San Diego, California
Height: 5'6" Weight: 175 lbs.
Though most Americans are aware of the legend of lucha libre, without Rey Mysterio, Jr., it may not have shot into the forefront of the social conscience the way it has. Observe: mention the names El Santo or Mil Máscaras, most casual fans will look at you with bemusement. Just say Rey Mysterio and - ¡Dios mío! - vivid images of the human propellor launch to mind.

Rey Rey has gone through endless nonsense throughout his career: unmasked in WCW (the Mexican equivalent to a spiritual depantsing), Mysterio could have gone down the route of endless little guys before him: perpetual cruiserweight who never hits the big time. Thankfully, WWE gave him the push he deserved, capturing three world championships. His flea like stature makes him a spectacle to watch, and all these years later, despite injuries slowing him down, he's still better value than wrestlers half his age.

#18: Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
Real name: Richard Henry Blood Sr.
Debut: 1976
From: Honolulu, Hawaii
Height: 5'10" Weight: 235 lbs.
It's no secret that wrestling has long been a club for the big boys; behemoths who tower over the competition and move with the agility of a sack of rye. Though things have definitely changed for the better in recent years, when a short, intense guy of partial Japanese descent like Steamboat hit the scene in the late 70s, he had all of the odds stacked against him. However, Ricky Steamboat was a no-nonsense competitor: intense, precise and explosive. He captured hearts and imaginations as the landscape of wrestling was beginning to shift, and we were all the beneficiaries of his abilities.

For one thing, Steamboat is one of those guys who you just really believed could legitimately beat the everlasting shit out of you. It certainly helped that he was portrayed as a Bruce Lee-type figure. And yes, that's a gross generalisation of Asian martial arts, but it certainly worked. He had that definite feel to him of a lethal weapon - this was obviously a man you didn't want to mess with.

#17: Edge
Real name: Adam Joseph Copeland
Debut: 1992
From: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Height: 6'5" Weight: 241 lbs.
Depending on when you were watching wrestling, you might remember a very different edition of Edge, each with their own merits, each with their own achievements. The later version, fuelled by a lot of legitimate heat, rose to be one of the best heels in the game - an incredible performer capable of generating vitriol that had been absent in years. It was at this time he saw the height of his success, claiming multiple heavyweight championships and looked to as the wrestler who revitalised the position of the company's top bad guy.

The version I knew and loved, however, was that of a man who did whatever had to be done to compel the fans. Unfortunately for him, that frequently involved him doing things that would make normal men cringe. Edge took and delivered bumps that were punishing and brutal, and kept coming back for more. Take a brief sojourn through either of the TLC classics, if you will, to see the fullest extent of this punishment. These are the things of legend.

#16: Shelton Benjamin

Real name: Shelton James Benjamin

Debut: 2000
From: Orangeburg, South Carolina
Height: 6'2" Weight: 248 lbs.

So let's talk about missed opportunities here. When Kurt Angle came along, you had a legitimate amateur wrestler with a great look and boundless charisma, whose transition to the pro game was seamless. He would go on to become a world champion with the WWE six times. Shelton Benjamin, cut largely in the same mould, got a few good angles (no pun intended), but never got the nod to become the main event.

And it's a damn shame, because in Benjamin you have a pure specimen who is smooth, exciting and clinical. Of course, WWE achievements aren't necessarily a true barometer of success (DDP, anyone?) but considering it's where I've spent most of my viewing past, it's of significance in my rankings. If I were assembling a company tomorrow (and who knows? Maybe I will! I have some spare time), I would definitely book Benjamin as my #1 guy.

#15: Dean Malenko
Real name: Dean Simon
Debut: 1979
From: Tampa, Florida
Height: 5'10" Weight: 212 lbs.
We shift, quite radically, from a larger than life character to a man who was all about business. Every single technique that Malenko implemented was picture perfect. You want the best suplex? Watch Malenko. You want the best single leg crab? Watch Malenko. You want to learn how to nail any manoeuvre, simple or complex, you need look no further than this man.

In a business where promos can make or break the man, he was straight to the point. Not flashy. Sometimes, he even looked uncomfortable. But as soon as he got between those ropes, you knew you were in for a treat. Should I ever seek a trainer for my illustrious wrestling career (I never could settle on a finisher, I'll have you know), Malenko is one of the top three guys I would seek out, no question at all.

#14: Booker T
Real name: Booker Huffman Jr.
Debut: 1989
From: Houston, Texas
Height: 6'3" Weight: 256 lbs.
Oh hell yes. I've been looking forward to talking about Booker T, an electrifying in-ring performer who delivered everything so solidly, you practically felt the sting. However, I've been most looking forward to this because he is one of my favourite entertainers in wrestling history. His promos were loud, wild and wacky, and his colourful stint tagging with Goldust is easily among my top 10 tag teams (another list for another article, methinks).

A five time (Five time! Five time! Five time! Five time!) WCW champion, Booker took a backseat for years in the WWE, for reasons I still haven't quite figured out. He didn't have the heavyweight strap around his waist until the curious King Booker angle, a royalty gimmick that I wasn't particularly into. Why not just give him the gold without the schtick? It certainly worked everywhere else! Ahh, who knows... Point is, Booker gave you a great show, whether it was in the ring, or on the mic. It's no wonder he transitioned so smoothly to commentating.

#13: Christian

Real name: William Jason Reso
Debut: 1995
From: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Height: 6'1" Weight: 212 lbs.
Frequently in tag teams, there's a tier system in place. There's the guy, and then there's the guy. Marty Jannetty and Shawn Michaels. Jim Neidhart and Bret Hart. ...Christian and Edge? Some may argue such, and though Christian's real life best friend Edge did hit incredible heights, I was always more of a Christian guy. Edge was the looker, Christian gave you the grittiness and the... oh, forgive me for this... the undeniable edge.

A necessary heel in my eyes, Christian bounced through many hilarious personas following the team's demise; and whether you prefer his early, sparkle-laden antics, second-in-command of the Un-Americans, his tenure as the CLB, or the hilarity of Captain Charisma and his 'Peeps', he offered you endless value. It goes without saying that he was dynamite between the ropes to boot, but damn man, Christian easily ranks in my top ten on the mic. Even if you hadn't realised it before, sit there and think about it... I'm right, aren't I?

#12: Cactus Jack
Real name: Michael Francis Foley
Debut: 1983
From: Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
Height: 6'2" Weight: 287 lbs.
Join me, if you'd like, in a game known as 'Pick Your Mick'. Effectively, Mick Foley donned three major personas during his career and, unlike most wrestlers who would prefer for some of their alter egos to be forgotten (I'm looking at you, Isaac Yankem, DDS!!), Foley dedicated to each wholly and successfully, to the point where they are almost considered different wrestlers each and of their own. He saw the height of his success as Mankind, the leather-masked freak who attacked opponents with a dirty sock, and his dream character and career prequel, one Dude Love, may be Foley's personal favourite - a man who preaches fun, freedom and good times. But for me, and this is probably largely due to the journey his first autobiography took me on, I'll always be a Cactus Jack guy. Because who doesn't love a batshit crazy cowboy? It fit Foley to a tee - and we all know the man was batshit crazy in all of the best ways. His promos were intense, bizarre and cerebral, and his bumps? Oh god, the way he would bump!

Let's be honest, Foley was us, man... And we loved him for it.

#11: William Regal
Real name: Darren Kenneth Matthews
Debut: 1983
From: Blackpool, England
Height: 6'3" Weight: 243 lbs.
Putting the fun back in fundamentals since 1983, William (or Steve, if you prefer) Regal is a wonderful juxtaposition of classy British personality with ruthless, brutish physicality. Regal taught us that it was perfectly acceptable to be a thug, as long as you did it with dignity. Seriously though, Regal gave you the whole package: he was one of the top in-ring mechanics, he had seething, venomous power on the microphone, and understood match psychology like few others. Though a lot of his WWE stint was played for laughs (slugging the opponents with brass knuckles, kissing McMahon's rear and - my personal favourite - accidentally peeing on the Big Show's leg), there was nothing funny about his talent. His occasional partnerships with Lance Storm (two-time WWE World Tag champs) is one of my favourite duos of all time, and a perfect example of what happens when you pair two talented wrestlers together.

#10: Mr. Perfect
Real name: Curtis Michael "Curt" Hennig
Debut: 1980
From: Robbinsdale, Minnesota
Height: 6'3" Weight: 257 lbs.
Rarely has a moniker suited a wrestler so well. Mr. Perfect was everything he was advertised to be, and a revelation between the ropes that still gets me excited to this day. His look: perfect. His physique and smug grin made him a recognisable grappler. His promos: perfect +. Just pick one and watch it - you will be enamoured with him instantly (if you're unsure, try his meeting with Vikings' tight end Steve Jordan). His ability in the ring? perfect ++. He moved at a speed that made him look like a man half his size; he was quick, exciting and methodical. He made things thrilling in a way other big men weren't at the time (save for one guy who may make an appearance later in this list!)

...Oh, and for the record, if we're talking about his entrance music, it is perfect ++++. I want to walk down the wedding aisle to that shit, man.

#9: Eddie Guerrero
Real name: Eduardo Gory "Eddie" Guerrero Llanes
Debut: 1987
From: El Paso, Texas
Height: 5'8" Weight: 220 lbs.
You may have surmised while looking through this list that I have a particular affinity for heels. Whether it's a coincidence, or the fact that their role of antagonising the crowd makes them more fun to me, I seem more likely to be cheering for the guy who's getting the jeers. For much of his career, this was Eddie Guerrero, but later on, he became the WWE's new version of Stone Cold Steve Austin: a guy who did all of the wrong things, but we just loved him all the more.

Guerrero's face turn, circa 2002, made him one of the most endearing characters of all time. Like they said, he lied, he cheated and he stole, but at least he was honest about it. I'm loath to mention Chris Benoit, but the moment the two shared at WrestleMania XX as champions was beautiful. Eddie had a lot more in the tank, and his early death is one of the reasons I began to lose interest in wrestling.

#8: Owen Hart
Real name: Owen James Hart
Debut: 1983
From: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Height: 5'10" Weight: 229 lbs.
While we're on the subject of early deaths, we will never forget the horrible, tragic way that Owen Hart's life ended way too soon. What people tend to forget, however, is that during his career, he was possibly the most underrated wrestler of all time.

Owen was just dynamite, man. He was electric, he was clever and he was spritely. Often relegated to the shadows as 'Bret's brother', it was through no fault of his own that he didn't receive the necessary push to become the top dog. He was interchangeable as a face or a heel, he brought you everything you wanted as a wrestler and a human being, and he could do it all, no matter what gimmick you lumped him with. I don't know why, but sixteen years after the accident, thinking about all of the untapped potential Owen had still makes me mad as hell.

#7: Jushin Thunder Liger
Real name: Keiichi Yamada
Debut: 1984
From: Tokyo, Japan
Height: 5'7" Weight: 209 lbs.
Do you have a favourite Japanese wrestler? Whether you're a fan of Tiger Mask or Ultimo Dragon or any of the myriad to have come from the land of the rising sun, one thing remains consistent: talent. Without the American obsession with pushing guys based more on their size than their ability, you often see the cream of the crop in Japanese wrestling, and a purer product as a result.

Liger's anime-based appearance is a sight to behold, but once the match starts, the true amazement begins. His fluidity and athleticism are top notch, and the fact that it's hard to tell how old he is in a match is a testament to how he has remained at the top of his game for so long. Though he saw his best success in the USA with WCW, his top stuff was when he was back home in Japan. Check out Liger vs. Owen Hart for a prime example of this!

#6: "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Real name: Randy Mario Poffo
Debut: 1973
From: Sarasota, Florida
Height: 6'2" Weight: 237 lbs.
Ohhhhh yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! Though Hulk Hogan was the biggest thing in wrestling during the 80s, the most talented headliner on the card was undoubtedly the Macho Man. Where do you begin when describing the legend of Randy Savage? I guess first, you'd address his character, which could be best summarised as 'batshit crazy'. The shades, the hat, the promos with Mean Gene Okerlund that teetered between incomprehensible noises and complete lunacy, he was the whole package in the weirdest possible way. But let's not forget what he was when he was in the squared circle: simply one of the most athletic and energetic big men in wrestling history. I remember a tag match where him and Hogan were together. Hulk's was the standard fare of the time; slow-paced and crowd influencing. Then, Savage tags in and comes flying at the opponents like the Tasmanian Devil. He always seemed to be, as I once saw it so eloquently put, 'high as balls', and it resulted in one of the most legendary and enduring figures in wrestling.

#5: Bret Hart
Real name: Bret Hart
Debut: 1978
From: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Height: 6'0", Weight: 235 lbs.
Whenever a debate occurs about where the greatest wrestlers come from, it doesn't take the Canadian participant long to mention the Hit Man. He is one of the purest top guys in WWE history: a man who embodied everything it took to be the perfect wrestler.

A fan favourite as one of many tag combinations and still recognised as one of the greatest heavyweight champions of all time (five times in WWE alone), Bret remains the pinnacle of what every Canadian wrestler aspires to be: a guy who let his talent do the talking, and who projected an aura unlike any other. He was the unquestioned star of the pre-Attitude 90s era, and as a result, he became a staple of the many curiosities of our childhood that we still hold dear today. Whether it's his appearance on the Simpsons ('this place has got old man stink!') or as one of the participants of the greatest wrestling game of all time... You know the one...

#4: The New Day (Xavier Woods, Big E & Kofi Kingston)

Real names: Austin Watson, Ettore Ewen & Kofi Nahaje Sarkodie-Mensahamp 

Debut: 2014

From: various

Combined Weight: 702 lbs.

I tried to just pick one. I really, truly did. Because this was supposed to be a list of my favourite wrestlers - and this entry will stick out like a sore thumb. Is it Kofi's athleticism? Xavier's wizardry with the mic? Or Big E's fluidity that makes him look like a man half his size? It's... it's just everything, man. I couldn't choose. Because as a collective, they have reignited my interest in wrestling. Each of them is fantastic, but this faction has captivated me in a way that no other has before. Their gimmick is wondrous, their promos unrivalled, their matches sharp and yet oh so much goofy fun. Lumped with a run-of-the-mill gospel schtick, they retooled it to become the most refreshing thing in wrestling in, dare I say it, more than a decade. I just love them, and I hope beyond hope that their tenure is a long one. They've got so much more left to do, and I look forward to it. And if you really dislike the fact that I listed a trio in my top 20, I'm sorry for ruining your jamboree.

#3: Chris Jericho
Real name: Christopher Keith Irvine
Debut: 1990
From: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Height: 6'0" Weight: 227 lbs.
Third place goes to the best heel of the new millennium: Chris freakin' Jericho. This guy is pure money, man. A rockstar (legitimately, no less) who oozes charisma, he's simply infectious. You want to watch Jericho, whether you love him or hate him. One of the true students of the game, Jericho was like putty, mouldable to best complement the abilities of his opponents. If you needed him to be a grounded technician, he brought it. If you needed an up-tempo flyer, look no further. There was nothing he couldn't do - the only limitations were your imagination.

I already alluded to it, but Jericho not only ranks top three for my overall wrestlers, he's easily top three in the promo game, to boot. He takes a storyline and just runs with it, building momentum and energy that makes it the most important thing on the card. Then, the match happens, and what do you know? It steals the show. He just brings it, man.

#2: Kurt Angle
Real name: Kurt Steven Angle
Debut: 1998
From: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Height: 6'0" Weight: 240 lbs.
Whenever the legitimacy of professional wrestling comes under fire, my trump card remains Kurt Angle, perhaps the greatest pro wrestler of all time. We all know the story; he's a legitimate gold medal Olympian. He made the jump to the pro game, and he had a rookie campaign akin to Oscar Robertson. From there, he just never stopped, having a knack for sports entertainment that makes him the top dog no matter where he goes. He was just the absolute best - unrivalled as a pure wrestler, often hilarious and fantastic fun on the microphone, and courageous enough to give anything a shot: see, his moonsault off the cage. See further, any of his moonsaults, which are the prettiest in the game.

Remember before how I said that if I had a company, Benjamin would get a push as #1? For the record, Angle would be the one running the whole show.

#1: Lance Storm
Real name: Lance Timothy Evers
Debut: 1990
From: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Height: 5'1" Weight: 231 lbs.
Anyone who knows my wrestling history ('sup Dennie?) knows that this spot was never in question. When I began to actively follow wrestling in about 2000, I was watching WCW, and I instantly became a fan of Lance Storm. He is my Steve McNair, my Joe Carter - my most favourite athlete of the pro wrestling world! And why wouldn't he be; his matches are like butter, man, because they are smooth as hell. A man who grappled better than most others, Lance was typically a heel (and that's how I prefer him, mostly), but when he did a face turn in 2003, he opened up a whole new bag of tricks. Despite the fact he was 34 years old and no spring chicken, he was bouncing and flipping about like a man half his age. It made you realise: he could always do the high-flying antics, but he chose not to because he understood that as the villain, he could not get the crowd on his side. A true genius. A cunning veteran. And my favourite wrestler. Bless you, Lance.

Tony's Titans 2015/16: Marcus and Friends

Who'd have thought we'd end up here - with the top pick in the draft for the first time in my stint as a Titans backer. With only one more win than we mustered in the previous season, you'd imagine that I would be feeling just as bitter as I did this time last year. But I'm really not, and you'll find out why shortly (or you could make an inference from the header image, I guess).

Am I convinced that the Titans are better than their 3-13 record indicated? Not as a whole, no. They have more gaps to fill than the Titanic. But they have enough promising prospects here and there peppered about the roster, that with one really solid offseason, they could jump atop the weak AFC South. The opportunity is there for the taking, just ask yourself objectively: were they to somehow land Joe Thomas, Alex Mack and a strong CB in free agency, then bolster their trenches with Joey Bosa, how could they not be a threat?

Quarterback
#3 Matt Hasselbeck (2011-2012)
Matty Ice has slipped! What could this mean? And where on earth is Vince the Prince? Gadzooks...!

#2 Marcus Mariota
2015-present

All-Time Career
230-370 for 2,818 yards, 19 TDs, 10 Ints, 91.5 rating
34 rushes for 252 yards, 2 TDs, 10 fumbles, 7.4 Avg

Jump on this bandwagon while you still can kiddies, because it's going to get crowded real fast. Though it may appear presumptuous to the point of foolishness for me to anoint Mariota the real deal after only one injury-shortened season and a personal record of 3-9, but it's clear to anyone watching that this kid has it. Remember how I was drooling at the mouth about the idea of stealing Vince Young in the draft and watching him become legendary? This is the same thing, except with key intangibles that Vince lacked. Mariota is quiet, heady and determined. He will learn from his mistakes and improve his game with each season.

The biggest hurdle he faces, and it is indeed one that terrifies me, is his offensive line. They were so terrible in 2015, they couldn't even block a spambot. Mariota hit the turf 38 times officially, and countless times beyond that without the ball in his hands. This is simply unacceptable. David Carr never got a chance to succeed in the NFL because of dismal protection stunting his growth, and if the same were to happen to Mariota, it could be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't jump teams, of course, but the Titans would find themselves at the back of the Tony fandom line, reserved for such oddities as Liverpool and the Sydney Swans.

To put it simply: DO NOT MESS THIS UP, TENNESSEE. My occasional merchandise dollars depend on it!!

#1 Steve McNair (1995-2005)
Hello Mac, my old friend. You look down on us from the heavens, smiling warmly and shaking your head at this hapless little team you so loved. Then, you probably crash into something and break three bones, but shrug it off anyway. That's just the kind of fella you are.

Running Back
#3 Chris Johnson (2008-2013)
#2 Chris Brown (2003-2007)
#1 Eddie George (1996-2003)
Strangely enough, though these rankings are populated entirely by guys who no longer have any relevance to the success of the Titans (unless CJ gashes them when they play Arizona), they are more fluid and evolving than you'd think. I am actually liking Johnson better in hindsight than I have in prior years, further removed from his grotesque verbal skills and more fondly remembering the way he would gallop across the field. Maybe he'll grab the second spot back from Chris Brown soon, who in all honesty is more beloved for his Madden contributions than anything he actually did in real life. Meanwhile, steady Eddie becomes more of a favourite for me with each passing day. He's on Broadway now, man. Eddie, you are the freaking KING.

Fullback
#1 Ahmard Hall (2006-2011)
Nothing to report here. Just a badass dude who deserves recognition for his solid contributions over the years. With the fullback position being reduced more and more each year, I wouldn't be surprised if he hangs onto his spot for a long time yet.

Wide Receiver
#5 Tyrone Calico (2003-2005)
#4 Kendall Wright (2012-present)
#3 Nate Washington (2009-2014)
#2 Derrick Mason (1997-2004)
#1 Drew Bennett (2001-2006)
Meh. This could have been an opportunity for Kendall to leapfrog Nate, but alas, there wasn't enough success on the field to warrant it. Kendall is built more like a slot guy than a true #1 receiver; if he were properly utilised he could really do some damage. Down in the 5 hole, Tyrone Calico sees another threat approaching - the unknown Dorial Green-Beckham. Could he be the next big thing in Tennessee? Or another uber-talented guy who couldn't put it together, not unlike Calico himself? Hard to say, really. Fun fact: though Drew is locked in at #1 in the Tony's Titans rankings, were I to actually field this team competitively, Mason would be the go-to guy. D-Mase quietly eked out a really fantastic career, and nobody really noticed for some reason.

Tight End
#2 Erron Kinney (2000-2006)
#1 Frank Wycheck (1995-2003)
So Delanie Walker puts together the most prolific season for a tight end in Titans history, yet still can't breach the compound? How is this fair, exactly? The answer is simple: it doesn't have to be. Maybe one more season and some actual success in the W-L column will be enough to stamp his ticket. In my defence, I actually really like all of the guys I mentioned last year (Cook, Crumpler and Troupe), whereas Walker hasn't endeared himself to me in the same way somehow. If you don't like it, make your own damn rankings!! ...And link to my blog please, because I need the clickz.

Tackle
#4 Jon Runyan (1996-1999)
#3 David Stewart (2005-2013)
#2 Michael Roos (2005-2014)
#1 Brad Hopkins (1993-2005)
Your time will come, Taylor Lewan. Just keep on keepin' on, and you will know the glory and majesty that is Tony's Titans rankings (an illustrious place in history that has contained such luminaries as Roydell Wiliams and Lamont Thompson). Much like Delanie Walker, Lewan is a viable building block towards success, but without collecting actual victories, he falls short. Call me a hypocrite for not applying this same stigma to Mariota, if you will, but I just love the guy that much. So much so that he's actually one of only four players that I've ever bought a jersey for (the others being McNair, George and a little-known special teamer named Anthony Cocking. Yes, I'm that lame).

Guard
#4 Jacob Bell (2004-2007)
#3 Jake Scott (2008-2011)
#2 Benji Olson (1998-2007)
#1 Bruce Matthews (1983-2001)
For a third straight time, I must allude to the possibility of a new entrant in the near future, this time in the form of Chance Warmack. He shed a lot of weight last offseason and looked to take the leap, but somehow, he just... didn't. Whether the poor performance of the line as a whole has sullied his image, or if he simply couldn't put it together as I had hoped, he's definitely stalled. I can entirely see a future (perhaps the one I alluded to with Thomas and Mack) where Warmack jumps straight into third place, but we'll have to wait and see. Also, how fantastic would it be to have Mack and Warmack on the same team? Like Alex is Mack, and Chance is the Mack of War?!

Center
#2 Kevin Matthews (2010-2012, 2013)
#1 Kevin Mawae (2006-2009)
I really don't like having Kevin Matthews in my rankings, if we're being honest. I love him simply because he is a Matthews, and his presence merely makes my rankings look pitiful. Have you ever googled Kevin Matthews? He's so anonymous that most articles are actually about a serial killer. I don't think that's him. Anyway, Kevin Mawae was such a beast for Tennessee, I've somehow convinced myself that he was actually there during the glory years of the late 90s and early 00s. Take that, Justin Hartwig!

Defensive End
#4 Kenny Holmes (1997-2000)
#3 Kevin Carter (2001-2004)
#2 Kyle Vanden Bosch (2005-2009)
#1 Jevon Kearse (1999-2003, 2008-2009)
On that note, I'm so glad the DE rankings actually resemble a real, credible thing. Two solid contributors in Holmes and Carter, led by the beasts that were KVB and Kearse - two very different types of players who got results.

Defensive Tackle
#3 Albert Haynesworth (2002-2008)
#2 Tony Brown (2006-2010)
#1 Jurrell Casey (2011-present)
Wowsers trousers! Jurrell's done it at long last, not only using a swim move to surpass Albert Haynesworth, but bull rushing Tony Brown to the ground en route to the #1 ranking he truly deserves. It shouldn't be that much of a surprise, I guess, if you've been reading this blog. Casey made an appearance most recently in my top 10 favourite current athletes, it was bound to translate to results in the rankings. Welcome home, Jurrell. I hope now you can get the recognition you really deserve for quite honestly being one of the most dominant d-linemen in the league.

Outside Linebacker
#4 Derrick Morgan (2010-present)

All-Time Career
215* combined tackles, 27.5 sacks, 5 forced fumbles, 20 deflections

Honestly, Derrick Morgan probably deserved to have made this list much earlier, but unfortunately I had such high expectations when he was drafted that he could scarcely live up to the hype. He slogged mightily in the trenches as a DE before the 3-4 shift, and now exists as an entirely solid OLB. He hit the shelf too early last year, but prior to that, he was a useful piece of a pretty good defence. If the Titans are to turn a corner next season, Morgan will definitely be a big reason, and the fact that he re-signed with Tennessee helps his cause, too. The only question mark is whether the rest of the backers can play up to his standard?

#3 Peter Sirmon (2000-2006)
#2 David Thornton (2006-2010)
#1 Keith Bulluck (2000-2009)
Just some good ol' boys who did some good ol' football. Keith Bulluck remains immortal.

Inside Linebacker
#3 Avery Williamson (2014-present)
#2 Randall Godfrey (2000-2002)
#1 Stephen Tulloch (2006-2010)
Well, shucks. I guess there really isn't much to say here. Williamson's sophomore season was unspectacular; the most noteworthy thing he did was the Hotline Bling dance after sacking Cam Newton. Newton later did a TD celebration dance that Williamson did not like. Newton is now bound for the Super Bowl, and I can't imagine Williamson liking that very much, either.

Cornerback
#5 Jason McCourty (2009-present)
#4 Andre Dyson (2001-2004)
#3 Alterraun Verner (2010-2013)
#2 Cortland Finnegan (2006-2011)
#1 Samari Rolle (1998-2004)
More of the same, really. McCourty gets knicked up, and the rest of the cornerbacks look like fools, by and large. While we're talking about the Panthers making the big dance, actually, let's give props to my man Cortland Finnegan: he is the biggest reason I will be cheering for Carolina to win. Because after all, I'm not one of these guys who gets bitter about guys running for greener pastures. Chris Bosh played his heart out for atrocious teams in Toronto, then finally took his rings with the Heat. Good on you, Chris Bosh! Munenori Kawasaki is on his way to Chicago, so of course, if the Jays aren't in the World Series, I hope the Cubs can take it all - Mune's celebration alone would make it worth it. I'd even be happy for Vince Carter to claim the title, as long as it isn't with Memphis.

Free Safety
#2 Vincent Fuller (2005-2010)
#1 Marcus Robertson (1991-2000)
Vincent Fuller was a backup to Michael Griffin. I liked him better. Daimion Stafford is a backup to Michael Griffin. I like him better, too. I hope he gets more playing time next season, I think they've really got something there.

Strong Safety
#2 Chris Hope (2006-2011)
#1 Blaine Bishop (1993-2001)
Of course, the issue is that Stafford actually plays strong safety, officially. So he's really the backup to DaNorris Searcy, who I like better than Michael Griffin, too. Poor Michael Griffin, I don't know why I dislike him so much - I guess it's just been too many years of maddening mistakes. Including some missed tackles when I was playing Madden - which you could call Maddening mistakes, if you were so inclined.

Kicker
#1 Rob Bironas (2005-2013)
Remember when Bironas kicked eight field goals against the Texans? That's either an awesome indication of how good he was, or a sad reminder of how pathetic the offense was in actually finishing drives. Either way, Bironas rocked.

Punter
#1 Craig Hentrich (1998-2009)
Like seriously, Craig is a punter, yet ranked in at #11 when I pitted all of the Titans against each other. That's some serious shit, man.

Head Coach
#1 Jeff Fisher (1994-2010)
Because he's certainly not Mike Mularkey.

Favourite Game
Steelers 14, Titans 31 (December 21, 2008)
Week 1 against the Buccaneers this year is also a contender, you know.

Tony's Year
- DISCONTINUED -
Because like we established last year, a guy like Kevin Matthews accounts for as much of a vote as Steve McNair, and that's just silly. Plus it was a pain in the ass to crunch the numbers. My guess is that the winner was probably still 2006, or something.

...Here's another picture of Marcus Mariota for your enjoyment.

Rank 'em: Favourite Current Athletes

It's been a few years now since I made my favourite athletes list for each of my favourite teams, and much has changed. Rather than regurgitate that list, however, I thought I'd switch things up and make a list of my favourite current players. That way, someone other than Steve McNair can be top dog once in a while!

#10: Russell Martin (Toronto Blue Jays)

We open with the first upper tier catcher the Jays have had in years, countryman Russell Martin. Obvious nepotism aside, Martin seems like a pretty cool unit: hearing him converse with fans in French is always neat. An All-Star selection in the 2015 season, Martin hit a few dry spells with the bat, but (like most of the Jays last season) when he connected, those balls went deeper than Greg Luganis, man. Loves me some sluggers, man.

#9: Jordan Subban (Utica Comets)

A clear sign that I have not been paying attention to hockey lately; the only Canucks inclusion on this list isn't even playing for them just yet. It's not that I dislike any of the others; it's just that my top 10 list is a unique blend of quantifiable talent and abstract intangibles. Sedins, you know I love you, boys. Anyhow, Subby Jr. making the list has a fair bit to do with my fondness for his more ballyhooed older brother, P.K. I like all of the Subbans (even the one who plays for - ewwwwww - Boston!), and I have faith that Jordan will find his niche in Vancouver. He has a tantilising talent with the stick, and is a fiery, undersized scrapper, to boot. He's just so damned likable, hence, he appears on this list.

#8: Munenori Kawasaki (Toronto Blue Jays)

Speaking of 'so damned likable', we move onto a man whose infectious personality has made him a gem in the Toronto sports crown, even if he is normally found south of the border in Buffalo. Mune is eccentric, to say the least, and his post-game interviews have gone viral time and time again. As an actual player, he's a light hitter who can get on base, and serves as a good utility guy on defence. Players and fans alike love him though: seeing the way they celebrate his successes (nailing the walk-off winner or hitting his only MLB home run) makes it clear: he's a guy you want to have around. One of the saddest parts of the Jays falling short of the World Series is the fact that we won't get to see the ecstasy in Mune's face.

#7: Jurrell Casey (Tennessee Titans)

I'm fearful for Jurrell Casey, honestly. His career path seems to mirror that of Chris Bosh: a true blue chipper who doesn't get proper recognition because he plays on such a terrible team. Will he, like Bosh, flee for greener pastures? The Titans should definitely throw all of their money his way, because he IS the Titans defence. Powerful, disruptive, instinctive and nasty. Tennessee has seen something of a defensive resurgence this season under the tutelage of Dick LeBeau, and though the excellent addition of Brian Orakpo is a large part of that, it's clear that without Casey gobbling up souls in the middle, that D would not be as good as it is now.

#6: Cory Joseph (Toronto Raptors)

This may seem high for a backup point guard, but in the short time Joseph has been
donning Raptors red, he has made his presence felt. Gone are the high volume, defensive turnstile rotations of yesteryear (you still the man though, sweet Lou!), replaced instead by a floor general who does absolutely everything. Need a stop? CoJo gets it done. Need a scorer off the bench? CoJo gets it done. Need to draw up a play where the game winner is a high pressure corner three? CoJo did that, and did that with style. Normally, I would be begging for a man of his calibre to be shifted into the starting lineup, but there's a definite reason why I do not want that to happen! Stay tuned...

#5: Josh Donaldson (Toronto Blue Jays)

Fans of my Toronto NFL blog (a fanbase that consists only of me and data mining spiders) may be familiar with my friend Moose. As it so happens, he is an Oakland A's fan, and was able to fill me in on the significance of the monumental swap of Brett Lawrie for Josh Donaldson. You see, I don't really pay a great deal of attention to other baseball franchises, and as Lawrie was an exciting, athletic freak from my own B.C., his departure was bittersweet. So who was this Josh Donaldson, then? As it turns out - the biggest acquisition the Blue Jays have had since the 90s. As much of a wizard with the glove as he is with the bat, Donaldson has been a revelation in Toronto, shaking up a dusty, dormant franchise and thrusting it into playoff contention. One AL East title and MVP campaign later, Donaldson has firmly entrenched himself as must-see TV. I hope he stays in town for a long, long time!

#4: Marcus Mariota (Tennessee Titans)

Not since the days of Vince Young have I so closely and passionately followed a college player, hoping beyond hope that the Titans were bad enough to draft him. A native of Honolulu (my second favourite American city), Mariota just screamed franchise QB. Just that unflappable, hard working, focused demeanor coupled with the ability to squeeze balls through minuscule windows. When the Titans nabbed him, he quickly made his presence felt, and has been one of the few highlights in an otherwise abysmal season. Without a lot of weapons and behind a patchwork offensive line, Mariota has already surpassed the franchise record for passing yards by a rookie, and currently possesses the NFL's highest red zone QB rating. Give him some proper tools to work with, and he will reward you with a Lombardi or two: I guaran-damn-tee it!

#3: Jose Bautista (Toronto Blue Jays)

Easy selection here. Bautista slogged (and slugged) through years of mediocrity in Toronto, somehow able to transcend the anonimty of playing for a losing franchise to become one of MLB's biggest stars. Seeing him finally get his props this year was a long overdue relief. The champagne and confetti is bittersweet now, considering the playoff collapse that was to follow, but at the time it was a sight to behold. Bautista reminds me a little of a more electrifying Charles Oakley; the elder statesman who rallies the troops, fights back harder than anyone else, and won't take no guff. Had the Jays taken the title, his dinger and subsequent bat flip against the Rangers would have been the most enduring moment in franchise history that doesn't involve Joe Carter. He put the damn team on his back... yet again... and he looked damn good doing it.

#2: Marcus Stroman (Toronto Blue Jays)

Mark my words, Marcus Stroman just become the biggest star in Toronto sports. Bigger than Vince. Bigger than Joe. Bigger even, than the everlasting shadow of the Maple Leafs. Marcus Stroman has only just begun, and he is already our goddamned hero. He is fierce on the mound, straight-up lovable off of it. His season-ending injury was a dreadful blow to our spirits, but in true Stroman fashion, he defied the odds: not just returning earlier than forecast, but being downright dominant while doing it. Stroman is fun incarnate, and will be a stalwart of this franchise for a generation.

#1: Kyle Lowry (Toronto Raptors)

Come on, you quiz fifty Toronto sports fans, Lowry will appear in almost every top five. This guy is every positive synonym you could assign to a basketball player: Fiery. Bullish. Fearless. Intense. Unstoppable. In only a few short years, he has almost single-handedly exorcised the ghosts of the Raptors' past. Every star who shone here disappeared before long, leaving us scrambling towards another rebuild. But not Lowry. He has embraced Toronto. He has assimilated with it. He practically is a Canadian in our eyes. Look no further than what's happening in the league right now: fighting flu symptoms, he nailed a franchise record 22 points in one quarter to mount a comeback win. To put it simply, Kyle Lowry puts everything on the line to win. How could we ask for anything more?

ALL HAIL ARAHORA

I do love Fergus in Hell. I reminisce about it every now and then. If you haven't already, be sure to give it a squiz (for free!) on Vimeo. If you're after particulary Tony-centric episodes, look no further than いち、　に、　さん！

Havoc in Heaven 2012

Every now and then, I lapse back into a fascination with professional wrestling, and I frequently look over the original dream card I had constructed way back in 2011. And I still attest: it's a damn fine event, with swarths of talent and a nice mix of variety to keep things fresh and interesting. However, I can't help but think two things: one, there are so many other talented wrestlers who I just couldn't fit on the schedule, and two, it's far too safe.

All of the matches, save for the Angle/Hart main event, happened in some way, shape or form in the past. Storm/Jericho... Guerrero/Benoit... Rock/Austin/Kane/Foley... I went with what I knew, and what I liked. It didn't really stretch the 'what if' factor that makes these cards so much fun. So I've decided to fire the thinkin' box back up, this time reaching deeper into the echelons and trying to really assemble a lineup that is fun and exciting.

The only qualifier: nobody from the first event can make a return. As you might have fathomed, almost all of my favourite wrestlers are in there. If I recycled some of them, it would defeat the purpose and limit the variation. This is a new dream card, not 'how many ways can we squeeze Lance Storm into a PPV'. That'll come another day, probably.

So tonight, grab a front row seat and witness the mayhem. Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse 'the Body' Ventura have the call. Let's get this havoc underway!!

The venue: Skydome
Screw 'Rogers Centre', it will always be the goddamn Skydome to me. You may think that holding this event in Toronto, Canada would infer that the America vs. Canada angle is making a return, but I assure you that it has run its course. Also, in case you're wondering, the year is 2012, because why would we have not had the event every year?

The dark match: 1-2-3 Kid & Juventud Guerrera vs. Tajiri & The Hurricane
Tag
So without the underlying storyline to play around with ('sif I'd cut off the Canadian national anthem), I need something spicy to get things going in the early stages. What better way of doing that then pitting some cruiserweights against one another?

Sean Waltman may have seen his greatest success as the detestable X-Pac, but I actually liked his earlier work. Sure, 1-2-3 Kid isn't really the most threatening moniker in the world, but he was fun as the underdog babyface, back when you could still run that kind of persona and not be booed. As for Juvy, he was more of the modern day face; edgy and exciting, with more flips and loops than Green Hill Zone.

Over on the other side, you have two more grounded lightweights in Tajiri and the Hurricane. I'm not usually a fan of excessive gimmicks, but to me, the Hurricane was damn good fun. Helms just committed to that schtick 100%, and you'd kind of forget in the process that he was a solid grappler, to boot. As for Tajiri? Yeah, you know what I'm thinking... the best sounding kicks in the business. Every time Tajiri laid the boot to his opponent, it seemed like it hit with bone-crushing power. His overall wrestling technique was just about flawless, and yet I feel as though he was never really featured as the premier cruiserweight talent. He held the belt a few times, but he was lumped a little too much with the 'so solly' Asian bit. Hence why I preferred him as a heel, where he was more sinister.

Anyhow, this match has all of the razzle dazzle of high flying spots mixed in with submissions by Tajiri and Hurricane to slow things down and hold the pace. To keep the crowd on-side, the match starts with 1-2-3 Kid attempting to shake Tajiri's hand. While the referee is distracted by Hurricane on the outside, the Kid receives a face full of mist. Nasty old Tajiri! You'd think the ref would notice that Waltman's face was now inexplicably green.

The final spot sees Hurricane about to attempt the double chokeslam, only to be kicked to the mat by his opponents, who then proceed to do some kind of exciting synchronised flipping attack off of the turnbuckles. The finish gets a big pop, but after the pin, they all need to get out of there fast, before the buzz dies down. Cameras rolling, the rest of the world never gets to know about the spectacular match. Kind of sad, in a way.

1. Razor Ramon (c) vs. Petey Williams for European championship
Singles
I was never much of a Scott Hall fan as a kid, because by the time I got into wrestling the man was more of a caricature of himself than anything else. He did some serious damage, which is sad, because back when he was Razor Ramon, he was slick as hell. He was one of the finest heels of all time, with little more than a smug grin and a thumb to the eye. His opponent, one Petey Williams, is a wrestler I'm only getting to know now. He's a peppy fellow for sure with some awesome tricks up his sleeve.

Keep in mind that this is Scott Hall in his prime here, where he was routinely disposing of smaller opponents, so this looks at first a lot like a squash match. Williams is just taking bumps left, right and center, with Razor taking the opportunity to do things like hold Petey over his head, fling him over the ropes, and just completely dominate. Somehow, Petey still kicks out of every pin attempt, and Razor appears visibly annoyed as the match goes on.

Then, bit by bit, Petey gets his licks in, using his agility to fluster Razor and show off his high-flying capabilities. Suddenly, Razor lands a thunderous right hook that stops Petey in his tracks. The kind that echoes through the arena. Petey tumbles to the mat, and Razor picks him up for the Razor's Edge. It's looking like it's over, until Petey manages to wrench free from Razor's grasp. He lands back down, and hits a shocking Canadian Destroyer.

One! Two!

Razor still kicks out, and scurries to the sideline, where he yanks the belt from the timekeeper's grasp. He clobbers Petey over the noggin, and the match is over. Petey Williams takes the win, but of course, the title doesn't change hands on a DQ, so Razor remains the champion. He proceeds to pummel Petey with the shiny weapon until he's left a bloody mess. Ouch.

2. The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer vs. Pat Patterson & Ric Flair
Handicap

Full disclosure again: I'm not really the biggest Taker guy in the world. His matches move too slowly for my taste, with him lumbering around like an animated tree most of the time. However, he's one of the finest spectacles of wrestling: his entrances were electric, his visage menacing. The Undertaker is one of the true legendary characters in wrestling, so he gets the nod.

How best to utilise him, though? Perhaps by matching him up against two of the famous 'cowards' of wrestling? Patterson and Flair, throughout the years, have been hilarious tricksters to watch: routinely taking cheap shots and using underhanded tactics to get the win. To see their brains put together against the dead man himself would surely be an amusing show to behold.

As you can imagine, Flair and Patterson mostly attempt to overwhelm Taker by beating him up as a tandem, but inevitably he's able to strike back. Irish whip to the ropes, boom! Double clothesline. Two armbars at the same time? No problem! He outmuscles them to bonk their heads together in a way that would make Moe Howard proud.

To add some wrestling credibility to the match, there are occasions where either Flair or Patterson are incapacitated for a while, allowing some proper grappling to take place as the other has to duel with Taker one-on-one. We arrive at our conclusion when Undertaker attempts his stroll along the ropes to nail Patterson with what amounts to basically a flying slap in the face, but Flair bangs the ropes at the last moment to knock Taker off-balance. After this most unpleasant de-knackering, Taker is dragged to the middle of the ring, where he's subject to a combination sleeper hold and figure four leg lock. This lasts for ages, since he simply will not tap out. At last, the ref begins to lift Taker's limp arm to see if he's KO'd. On the very last drop, Taker's arm shoots to the air. He clutches his hand into a fist, reaches over, and socks Patterson in the face. He then manages to turn the leg lock over, putting the pressure onto Ric. Flair immediately taps out. Not often Taker won with a submission, I recall.

3. Rikidōzan & Ultimo Dragon vs. La Parka & El Santo
Hurricane Tag
To settle one of the age-old debates, we will see which is really the greatest wrestling nation: Mexico or Japan? Ultimo Dragon and La Parka are obviously fine inclusions; Ultimo was one of the slickest and sharpest guys out there, while La Parka bucked the trend by being more of a brawler.

But the main story here is obvious. Rikidōzan, the man who brought wrestling to Japan, vs. El Santo, the hero of Mexican luchadores. Honestly, I can't find any footage of a Santo match that isn't taken from a movie, but the importance of his influence can't be understated. As for Rikidōzan? Well, he may be more remembered nowadays for being the guy who legitimately bashed the ever-loving shit out of Masahiko Kimura for no reason other than... winning, it seemed. And obviously, that's no bueno (or よくない if you will), but he's more there for his status than anything else. The clash of styles here is monumental, which is why I had originally slated Jushin Liger as the Japanese legend. But it just didn't work, in my mind. Gotta go with the name.

It may seem strange to have these two icons face off under the guise of a hurricane tag match, but my reasons for this are sound, albeit admittedly a little unambitious. For most of the match, El Santo will be fighting Ultimo Dragon while Rikidōzan takes on La Parka. We need to build up the moment, you see, and watching them fight these two excellent additions helps as an appetiser. Also, Rikidōzan might actually just start laying haymakers on Santo. That wouldn't be productive, either.

Anyhow, the moment occurs when Ultimo Dragon and La Parka are launched over the ropes, and there they are. The two legends, staring each other dead in the eye. The crowd goes wild, the fight is finally upon us, and away they go! To be very clear, the two are matching each other blow for blow. Neither is giving an inch, and (more importantly) neither is damaging their mythos.

Eventually, the two collide in the ring, and they're both knocked down flat. While they're lying there, La Parka has finally re-entered. Seeing his opportunity, he covers Rikidōzan for the pin, but he kicks out. Ultimo returns and launches La Parka to the turnbuckle. He then attempts to pin Santo. But no dice. The two monsters are simply indomitable. They launch back to their feet, and take it to their opponents. With La Parka and Ultimo felled, Rikidōzan and Santo each go for the pin fall. After the three count, both get up, celebrating. But who really won the match?

...It's too close to tell, so the match is declared a draw. The boos rain down from the heavens (which is ironic, because this is heaven, isn't it?), until the commissioner... oh shit, who's the commissioner? We'll go with Bischoff here. His decision is for Rikidōzan and El Santo to settle the whole thing in the next PPV, once and for all. The crowd goes wild, the two men shake hands, and the countdown begins for the final fight... (Spoiler alert: Santo wins the rematch. He's like Sebulba - he always wins!)

4. Fabulous Moolah (c) vs. Megumi Kudo for women's championship
Last Woman Standing

Don't think I haven't noticed the heavy Japanese influence of this card: it's a result of broadening my wrestling horizons, and there has been so much exciting stuff happening there over the years. Maybe by the time the next HiH drops (2019 by my math), it'll be loaded with Mexicans. Because like the saying goes, "In Canada, it's a tradition. In Japan, it's a sport. In Mexico, it's a religion. In America, it's a joke."

...I don't actually believe that phrase, I just find it amusing.

So Megumi Kudo. If you were to do a quick Youtube search, you'd see some terrifying stuff, man. Several of her highlights involve barbwire, small explosions and on occasion, her hair ablaze. She is routinely flung about like a rag doll, the underdog competitor pitted against insurmountable odds. But I see more than that. I see solid fundamentals and keen timing in the ring. It's just a shame that she's had to build a career out of bludgeoning herself half to death.

On the other side, we have the Fabulous Moolah. A true throwback to the age of rock 'n' wrestling and beyond, she was a joy to watch. She was bold, expressive and methodical. Sure, her matches often moved at a snail's pace, but it was by design: Moolah would construct the storyline early, the two opponents feeling each other out, with a clear dominator being established. As a result, the payoff felt sweeter. Too often, matches shoot out of the gates at 120%, and nothing builds. We see an exciting spot midway through, and it's par for the course. That's why Moolah was queen for so long: she got it. You build a strong character before the match, and let that tell the tale in the early stages.

In this match, Moolah simply works her craft: the smaller Kudo is harassed in this fight, with constant mat-based submissions being applied. Every time Kudo begins to launch a comeback, Moolah simply rolls out of the ring to return to neutral. Clearly, Kudo has the ability to launch a sudden killing blow at any time, and Moolah can't afford to let that happen. So she relies on trying to knock her opponent out and flee every time she faces adversity. When Kudo hits a surprise offensive flurry that almost takes the match, Moolah again seeks sanctity from the sideline, arguing with the ref about underhanded tactics. Kudo responds with a baseball slide and follows after her, banging her against the guard rails and messing her up (no blood, though! The Fabulous Moolah does not bleed).

Seeing the dangers of lurking on the outside, Moolah returns to the comparative safety of the ring, now obligated to fight Kudo on the up-and-up. Moolah's previous regime of holds and energy conservation gives her the upper hand, and she hits a final backbreaker to put Kudo out for good.

...Except, this is Megumi Kudo, who does not go down to a backbreaker. She gets up and hits the shocked Moolah with the Kudome Valentine. It's a vicious move, and it's something not even the queen can overcome. Kudo is your new women's champion.

5. Terry Funk (c) vs. Steve Blackman vs. Shane McMahon for hardcore championship
Falls count anywhere
So you know how I've been adverse to sticking in needlessly violent matches to maintain wrestling purity? Let's stray from that, just a little, to have a brutal slugfest for shits and giggles. The usual suspects appear: Steve Blackman, martial artist. Shane McMahon, professional bumper. Terry Funk, who once duelled a horse.

In the past, I've always tried to meticulously plan the matches out in my head. But proper hardcore matches require the things that you just couldn't see coming. Thumbtacks. Barbed wire. Light bulbs. All of the items that have made backyard wrestling so notorious (and stupid). Think Foley flying off the cage. Think Benjamin flipping off of the ladder. Think Edge and Jeff Hardy [insert one of many Edge/Jeff spots here].

So yeah. The skirmish commences in the ring, where Shane starts the fun with a chair. Upping the ante, Blackman soon brings out his nunchaku. Terry Funk, well, he's Terry Funk, so he tops it off with a flaming 2x4 adorned with barbed wire. Before long, tragedy strikes as the 2x4 sets the ring aflame. They scramble to the sideline while it's put out, but before long, they simply continue the madness up the ramp, into the back stage, and finally, out of the arena and into the streets of Toronto. The combatants literally dodging cars as they duel, a stretch limousine suddenly squeals to a halt, blocking traffic. And out come the Toronto Blue Jays! They take it to all three competitors - it's unclear with whom their allegiances lie, or more importantly, why they are here and so mean, but who cares! Jose Bautista cracks Funk over the head with a baseball bat. Munenori Kawasaki does a moonsault off the limo. Jose Reyes probably injures himself.

The police finally hit the scene, arresting all of the people involved. What does this mean for the match? Who won? WHO IS THE NEW HARDCORE CHAMPION?

6. Don Muraco w/the Grand Wizard vs. Antonino Rocca
Singles

So we now return to wrestling in a much simpler form. Yes, we have gone from fighting baseball players in the streets of Toronto to a match between Don Muraco and Antonino Rocca. Why the hell not, I say.

Rocca was obviously light years ahead of his time: flipping onto his head and doing handstands when most wrestlers were simply large men who grappled with one another in the middle of the ring. Had I been an impressionable youth back then, Rocca would have no doubt inspired me in ways his contemporaries would not. He was a true athlete and showman; a spectacle that defied imagination.

His opponent, the Magnificent Muraco, was one of the great bullies of wrestling. His demeanour contemptible, his style arrogant, and his cronies effectively a 'who's who' of heel managers. As you may have noticed, this year's edition of Havoc trades off a little bit of technical ability for big personalities, but I don't think this match would suffer, necessarily.

The thing about wrestling in Rocca's day, of course, was kayfabe was at its strongest. Many people legitimately thought that they were watching two men combat one another in the ring. I mean, honestly, who would believe that anyone would take a headscissors in an actual fight without simply flinging the bastard to the ground, but still. It was a magical thing.

This bout plays the familiar schtick of the spritely Rocca locking horns with the physicality of Muraco, but does not see Muraco overwhelming his opponent, running the risk of just becoming Hall/Williams take 2. Rocca has the strength to be able to send Muraco reeling, but every time the behemoth responds, he flattens Rocca with his blows. When Rocca brings out the leg lock, the Grand Wizard clambers onto the apron to distract the ref. Muraco taps like it's going out of style, but alas, it goes unseen. He's able to grab hold of the ropes to claim freedom. Rocca picks him up, sends him into the Irish whip. Muraco counters, throws Rocca to the ropes. Muraco tries a back drop; Rocca leapfrogs over. Another go round, Rocca slides under Muraco's legs. One last time. Rocca does a hand spring, but Muraco's not having it. He anticipates the move and cracks Rocca in the jaw. The pin, the win. Sometimes the bad guys come out on top, eh?

Filler: The Mark Henry Challenge

The World's Strongest Man has an open invitation to find anyone able to match his immense power. The challengers have been many, but none have succeeded. The latest competitor has anonymously arranged for an arm wrestling contest. Henry stands there, table in the ring with a rather dapper looking red cloth covering it. He cuts a promo, because suspense, when there's a bang! The pyros launch, and he arrives...

The Shockmaster.

Legend of legends. Star of stars. MASTER OF SHOCK. He enters the ring (tripping on the ropes as he does. Luckily, he collects his helmet before his true identity is compromised), and grabs hold of the mic. He has something important to say!! He's coming for Mark Henry... And if he's able to outmuscle him... Henry must become his... CHAUFFEUR!!

Egads! The competitors take their seats. Henry appears to hold the upper hand (literally), until suddenly, he stops!! He slumps over in his chair, and the Shockmaster claims the victory. He is the strongest man!! But how could this be...? The true nature is revealed when Mini-Dust emerges from under the table, taser in hand. What a dastardly twist! I look forward to seeing Mark Henry donning the little hat.

7. Shawn Michaels vs. AR Fox
Ladder

So I know what you're thinking here. Surely my inclusion of AR Fox is based solely on his frantic skirmish against Kitsune, a veritable dick showing contest featuring two spectacles of athleticism? Why yes, yes it is! But Tony, I hear you mutter nervously, isn't the issue there that the constant array of flips and bounces make each individual moment less spectacular? Ehhh, maybe. I'd argue that if you watch any lucha libre match, it definitely doesn't grow old. Nor did I become disengaged during the Fox/Kitsune match, but if that's how you must feel (who in the hell are you, anyway?), I present his opponent; master of in-ring buildup and storytelling, one Shawn Michaels.

HBK was yet another guy I didn't particularly appreciate at the time, but I can see now that when he gelled, it was poetry. Could a relative unknown like Fox be able to formulate the drama and intrigue without relying simply on eye-popping agility? I certainly think so. Besides, call me an idiot mark, but high spots are freaking fantastic. So let's give them a goddamn ladder and let them have at it.

I haven't given this match as much thought as I have for prior ones, mostly due to a lack of material to base AR Fox on. He's definitely got a wide arsenal of moves at his disposal, and no doubt he would be eager to pull as many of them out as he could on so grand a stage. How Michaels responds, I guess, depends on how old he is here. Is he one half of the Rockers? Is he DX? Is he a greasy old man? I don't know, to be honest, but I'm leaning towards one of the later versions. Ultra-athletic young HBK vs. ultra-athletic Fox could just turn this dull. So it'll probably be a more grounded, tactical version.

The major spot sees Michaels down for the count, Fox standing over him. A simple pin here should just about do it, however, Fox wants more... he wants it all! He scales the ladder, reaches the top and whoosh! He flips off like a muscular corkscrew. Alas, Michaels rolls aside, and Fox gets a face full of ouch. Michaels rises, wrestling recovery is convenient like that, and goes for the pin. Two count. Well, it wouldn't have been very exciting to end that way, now would it? Michaels goes to work removing the padding from the turnbuckle (why doesn't he just use the ladder? Eh, it's easier this way), when - gadzooks! Fox springs to his feet, grinning like a madman. He slams Michaels' head into the newly exposed corner, leaving HBK slumped against it like a narcoleptic, and then grabs the ladder. He charges, Michaels socks him right in the jaw with some Sweet Chin Music. Pinfall.

8. 'Superfly' Jimmy Snuka vs. Dusty Rhodes
Singles
Let's talk about energy for a moment here.

Energy is something in wrestling that can either put you over the top, or grind people's gears something shocking. Forced energy is something you often see in nervous younger wrestlers. The kind of guys who needlessly gesture to rile up the crowd, frequently seeking validation and trying to win hearts with their 'up tempo style'. Honestly, I'd probably do it if I were in the ring - the concept of people sitting on their hands is terrifying, let's do whatever we can to prevent that.

Genuine energy is infectious. It comes from a persona, an aura. It comes along every now and then, and it makes good wrestlers great, and great wrestlers legendary. Hogan had it. The Rock had it. John Cena has it. They don't have to push the issue at all, their electricity speaks for itself.

It's appropriate, then, that I should book two guys who had energy, albeit in completely different forms. Snuka, a chiseled specimen, was loaded with intensity. A fiery, ballistic competitor, he embodied the spirit of a warrior, and remains one of the most beloved fliers of all time. As for the American Dream? He was magnetic in a form that was rare. The fans loved him, his peers loved him, he was eminently enjoyable, and his gargantuan girth belied his high motor and sound skills in the ring.

Snuka keeps taking it to Dusty, but Rhodes keeps on dancing (sometimes literally), absorbing the punishment and taking his opportunity to fight back when he can. He grounds Snuka by targeting his legs, taking the pace down a notch and evening the odds in his favour. Despite all this, when he nabs a battered Snuka in a headlock, the wild Fijian's eyes pop open like he's just been reactivated. He hammers in the traditional elbows to the gut, launches off of the ropes and hits Dusty with a flying chop. He stumbles to his feet, fights his way to the top turnbuckle and hits Dusty with the splash.

Filler: Interview with David Arquette

The main event is soon to be underway... A battle of champions... So who better for Mean Gene to interview than former world champion, DAVID ARQUETTE? He reflects fondly on his brief run as heavyweight champ. He offers some insight on his past with WCW, and the road that led him to the pinnacle. He feels, honestly that - Okerlund snatches the mic back, stating that there has been a shocking occurrence! A disruption at the Toronto police station! The camera cuts suddenly to nearby Dundas Street, where Terry Funk, Steve Blackman and Shane McMahon have resumed their battle!! GOOD GRACIOUS!! Desks are shattered, papers thrown about the air, and Funk is thrown through a door. Officers attempt to separate Blackman and Shane, grabbing them tightly to restrain them. Without warning, Funk re-emerges, adorned entirely in riot gear! He charges through the masses, bodies strewn everywhere. An officer at last manages to tase him, while another tackles Shane to the floor, pinning him down as he handcuffs him. ...The bell rings! What bell? The portable bell that the referee has brought with him, obviously! Because this random police officer has successfully won by pinfall, and become the NEW HARDCORE CHAMPION!!

Cut back to David Arquette and Gene Okerlund, who appear gobsmacked. At last, Arquette declares 'That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever seen.' ...And now to the main event.

9. Jushin 'Thunder' Liger & Owen Hart (c) vs. Ricky Steamboat & Dean Malenko for the tag team championship
Tag

Is anyone still reading this now? Can you tell how much I've mailed this event in, sacrificing all credibility for pure insanity and gimmicks? If you're on the threshold, perhaps I can lure you back with this: a match that should be simply beautiful.

No frills here, no gimmicks. I originally had this slated as a cage match, but nah, not even that (primarily because there's no room on the apron for gentlemen to stand). Let's just finish with a clean, slick rumble featuring four hyper-talented wrestlers from varying generations.

Part of me wants to dub Liger and Owen as the 'Hart Foundation X' - a pair of heels who frequently overcome insurmountable odds to claim victory, but I'm opting against it in favour of jettisoning faces and heels for this match. Sure, the duo of Steamboat and Malenko are the 'good guys', but the frenetic, lightning-like abilities of their opponents need not be limited. This takes the more Japanese/Mexican route of 'sure there are heroes and villains, but I'll cheer them all because they are awesome'.

Jushin Liger is someone I missed out on in my youth, bouncing from place to place and spreading his legend worldwide. And what a legend it is: for decades, this man has been assembling matches with impeccable timing, methodical storytelling and - oh yeah - high flying capabilities that can make your head spin. Once I came across him, I was hooked. If you were to do a quick YouTube search through his matches, you'd find that his opponents are a veritable 'who's who' of my favourite wrestlers. Liger basically is the dream match guy. You pit him against the best, and it's one triumph after another.

One of the particular highlights amongst those is one against Mr. Owen Hart. His life cut tragically short, Owen unfortunately doesn't get the credit he truly deserves. Overshadowed in the grand scheme of things by his brother Bret, Owen should be remembered as one of the best wrestlers of all time. Seriously, just do your homework, you'll wonder why Owen never got the push he deserved. The man was clearly one of the most talented wrestlers of his generation, and if he'd gotten the proper angle, he'd go down as one of the all-time greatest.

Their opposition; Steamboat and Malenko, need little introduction. Steamboat was one of the most exciting babyfaces of the 80s: energetic, likeable, and immensely talented. It's no coincidence that a man with a martial arts background struck effectively. His rivalry with Randy Savage showcased exactly what wrestling was capable of: poetry in the ring between two athletes. Do you get an idea of why I'm a little anti-super heavyweight? I'm not here to see behemoths clobber one another. I want to see an event.

And Dean Malenko, the man of 1,000 holds, or as I call him (though it sounds much less threatening) 'Butter Man'. He was smooth, yo. Say the word 'fundamentals' to a wrestling pundit, Malenko's name would come up before long. Everything he executed was picture perfect, and some of his WCW matches in particular ('97 Starrcade vs. Guerrero, August 19th '96 Nitro vs. Regal) should be necessary study for aspiring students of the wrestling game. Also, wow WCW commentary was brutal sometimes. Their obligation to forward promote to Goldberg/Sting/nWo really takes you out of the current bout.

As much as I'd like to 'formulate' a match here, as I've done so far, it does a disservice to what these guys could come up with, with so many potential combinations and variables. Sure, it might make more sense to split things up into two different singles matches, but I just happen to really like the Hart/Liger pair as a concept. Go ahead, write your own match! It'll be amazing, I assure you.

Iffin you're lacking in creativity, my finish has Malenko about to lock Owen into a full nelson. Owen
frantically scrambles to the corner and flips off of the turnbuckle, landing behind Malenko and hitting him with a German suplex. Steamboat tries to intervene, but Liger socks him with an enzuigiri - allowing Owen to lock in, what else? The sharpshooter! Though Malenko is the master of submissions and has locked in more sharpshooters than we ever will, he can't resist. He taps, Owen and Liger retain the belts.

And that brings us to the end of a second curious edition of Havoc in Heaven. Stay tuned sometime in the (not) near future to see who appears next!! (Hint: it may include the enigmatic SWA Kid. I hear he's a talented young man!)