Simply the Best

For reasons unknown, I have undertaken the daunting task as many have before me, and many will after me, of building my ultimate NFL roster. Frankly, this exercise could end up being boring as hell, because most of these teams are some combination of Dan Marino/Joe Montana, Jim Brown/Walter Payton, Tony Gonzalez/Kellen Winslow, etc. etc...

In my case however, I thought I'd build a team out of guys I like. It's not to say I don't like any of the previous names, it's just that I don't really have any particular fond memories associated with them. Worry not, I won't just go with modern names from my young football fandom. And worry not else (fantastic sentence structure), I won't just go with literally my favourite players, lest we just get a roster of Steve McNair, Eddie George, Samari Rolle and A.J. Trapasso.

I thought I'd try and go out on a few limbs here, as queer and questionable as they may be. With all that said, avanti! Let us traverse towards a team that likely stands no chance against the typical 'all-time squadrons', but would still be a formidable foe to come up against...

Cue the music...

Quarterback: Mark Rypien
1987-97, 2001

Washington Redskins
2x Super Bowl Champion, 2x Pro Bowl selection, Super Bowl XXVI MVP

To say that Mark Rypien is one of the all-time greats would be casting a very wide net indeed. To many, he was simply a game manager who benefitted from playing for one of the greatest teams of all time in the 1991 Redskins. To others, particularly Washington fans or those like myself who will quickly deem anyone Canadian to be the best thing since sliced (Canadian) bread, he was a key cog without whom their success was not a sure thing. To his credit, Rypien was stellar that season, collecting 3,564 yards and 28 TDs to 11 Ints, QB rating of 97.9, en route to the first and only Super Bowl MVP ever won by a Canuck.

Though some may claim Mike Vanderjagt was the greatest Canadian to suit up south of the border, to me, none come close to Rypien - who although only ever started two full seasons, and was subpar in the year to follow, was for that one amazing year, at the helm and firmly entrenched as the quarterback for one of the greatest teams of all time. Isn't it appropriate, then, for him to reprise that role once more?

Running Back: Barry Sanders
1989-98
Detroit Lions
10x All-Pro, NFL MVP (1997), 4x NFL rushing champion, Pro Football Hall of Fame

Oh holy shit. That is the reaction that Barry Sanders garnered from viewers across the globe. He was not only the best player every single year for his Lions, but more often than not, he was the only player. His quarterbacks were anonymous. His offensive lines were routinely belittled. His opponents were keying in for him on every single play. But the thing about Barry is that, sure, you could see where he was, but rarely could you ever predict where he was going to be.

Barry Sanders was the epitome of elusiveness, and even to this day, where players are routinely capable of amazing feats of athleticism, few compare to what he was able to accomplish. It wasn't without its risks, mind you, as he is the inauspicious record holder for negative yards, totalling a whopping -952 in lost ground. But it was a small price to pay in order for him to work his magic on the field, juking entire defences and leaving arms flailing behind him.

Emmitt Smith is the NFL's all-time leading rusher, with good reason: he was a fantastic back who was shifty in his own right and lasted the test of time. But had Barry Sanders had the benefit of those historically great Cowboys' o-lines? I'd venture a guess to say we wouldn't see his career totals topped in our lifetime.

Running Back: Earl Campbell
1978-85
Houston Oilers
5x Pro Bowl Selection, 3x All-Pro, NFL MVP (1979), 3x NFL rushing champion, Pro Football Hall of Fame

As much as I drool over Barry Sanders highlight reels, I have made no secret in the past of my love for bruising, physical players. And truly, who more embodied that than the Tyler Rose, Earl Campbell?

Back in the days when the ground game was the focus of an offence, Campbell would strike fear into the hearts of his adversaries with his outright punishing downhill running. It's not that he couldn't move out of the way of an ongoing tackler, he was definitely fleet of foot, it's just that he knew that he could hit them far harder than they could he. What's my favourite Earl Campbell moment, I wonder? Watching him stiff arm a would-be tackler five yards into the end zone like a child would carry a teddy bear? Cringing in sick admiration as he headbutts an opponent in the chest, then fighting for yards with men draped on him as his jersey is ripped to shreds?

Who cares, each moment was awesome. Also, I truly dig his bizarre 'loaf of bread' style of ball carrying.

Fullback: Bronko Nagurski
1930-37, 1943
Chicago Bears
3x NFL Champion, 4x All-Pro, NFL 75th Anniversary All-Time, Pro Football Hall of Fame

This is typically the spot where list-makers will make a dastardly move and slot in Jim Brown, who for all intents and purposes was the best halfback of all time, despite actually being listed as a fullback. Call it a by-product of the evolving game, or just people's inability to be able to have the balls to cut one of the precious running backs from the roster, it's a cheap move.

...I guess I should have then gone with a pure fullback in the vein of Lorenzo Neal, often noted for paving the way for some of the best runners of all time, but instead, I decided that if I want someone to lead block for Barry Sanders, it may as well be one of the scariest motherfuckers to ever suit up.

Bronko Nagurski just flat out blew people up, in a way that was practically superhuman. One of my favourite stories, is how on one play he split through two linebackers, squashed a defensive halfback and a safety, bounced off of the goalposts and cracked the brick wall of Wrigley Field. Legend has it, that on returning to the huddle, he said, 'That last guy hit me awfully hard.'

Wide Receiver: Jerry Rice
1985-2004
San Francisco 49ers
3x Super Bowl Champion, 13x Pro Bowl Selection, 2x All-Pro, Super Bowl XXIII MVP, Pro Football Hall of Fame

Well, sorry. As much as I'd like to push the envelope at receiver, constructing some strange, Rypien-esque justification for a comparable obscurity, I just can't. Jerry Rice is not only the greatest wide receiver to ever play the game, he is quite possibly the greatest NFL player of all time. And to think, when I fell in love with him, it was in the twilight of his career, as a Raider.

To explain how Jerry Rice redefined the position, you need only look at the basic expectations of a wideout: to catch and to run. He did both of these things marvellously, but beyond that, he understood the game like no other. His route running was unrivalled, his precision and quickness were lethal. And to top it off, the dude just flat out worked for it. His brutal training regime is the stuff of legend, and his chameleon-like ability to adapt over his career helped to keep him at the top for a long, long time.

To think, he fell all the way to pick #15 coming out of Mississippi Valley State. I wonder how many of those other teams wonder what could have been?

Wide Receiver: Steve Largent
1976-89
Seattle Seahawks
7x Pro Bowl Selection, 8x All-Pro, NFL 1980s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame

We move now, to the greatest Seahawk of all time, a man so adored in Seattle, that only the great Jerry Rice could (briefly) pull his #80 out of retirement.

One of the great things about Steve Largent is that he is never going to appear amongst the all-time prototypical receivers; fast, muscular, dominant... he does not have the look or the feel of, say, a Terrell Owens or Calvin Johnson. What he had, however, was determination to the umpteenth degree; he was a man who wanted to win, and could will his team to victory. He, much like Barry Sanders, was one of the lone bright spots on a largely unsuccessful team (with no disrespect to Jim Zorn), but didn't jump ship for loftier prospects.

I've got room for a winner like Largent on my squad, you'd better believe that.

Wide Receiver: Nate Burleson
2003-present
Seattle Seahawks
Seattle Seahawks 35th Anniversary Team

Wait... what? Almost 100 years of NFL history to sift through, and I anoint Nate Burleson to complete my trifecta of Seahawks receivers?

Well you know what? You're damn right. Not only was Nate born in an excellent country whose name I can't remember (rhymes with Fanada), but he's just a cool dude and I love to watch him play. For over a decade now, Nate has quietly carved out a very respectable NFL career, and though with this season he will have played in Detroit for the same length as he did in Seattle, it is the Seahawks version I'm including on my squad.

Not only is he a strong receiver, but he was also a fantastic returner, notably as the 1st player to have ever returned 3 separate punts for 90+ yards. Gotta have those key special teamers in the ranks, and for the record, my team never kneels in the end zone. RUN, NATE, RUUUNN!!!

Tight End: Dave Casper
1974-84
Oakland Raiders
2x Super Bowl Champion, 5x Pro Bowl Selection, 5x All-Pro, NFL 1970s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame

I struggled a bit with this one. My brain and my gut told me that Tony Gonzalez was the way to go, the single greatest tight end to ever suit up, and admittedly a guy that I really like. But it just felt so... obvious, y'know? To just default to Gonzo would be lacking in creativity. Part of me then thought of Jeremy Shockey, the long-haired behemoth of Giants fame, but in the end, I decided that my all-time team was distinctly lacking in Raiders attitude. And when I say Raiders attitude, I don't mean the pathetic blowhards of today whose black jerseys appropriately represent the shadows in which they dwell, I mean proper, Al Davis is the man, welcome to the black hole RAIDUHS.

So I went with the Ghost, a man who was involved with more than a few of the most famous moments in the team's history, from the game-changing Holy Roller play, to the Ghost to the Post. And while we're on the topic, let me just say that Casper's nickname wasn't necessarily creative, but it is still pretty damned cool.

Tackle: Lou Groza
1946-59, 1961-67
Cleveland Browns
4x NFL Champion, 4x AAFC Champion, 9x Pro Bowl Selection, 4x All-Pro, Pro Football Hall of Fame

Clearly, a man whose nickname was 'the Toe' is more commonly remembered as a kicker, and to his credit, Lou was a damned good one, but there are lots of great pure kickers who have come and gone, and I wanted to enlist the services of a tackle who was multitalented. I love those classic throwback guys, and I wish I had a spot to give to George Blanda. Alas.

Lou Groza played the game of football back in a time when it didn't feature elite athletes making millions of dollars, but a group of gritty, dirty men battling it out and completely mauling one another. A WWII veteran and a man who revolutionised the kicking game, Groza will likely stand out like a sore thumb (or toe?) as a 6'3" 250-pound tackle on my fairly modern team, but screw it, he'll maul them anyway. And if they try and fight back, he'll give them a right good kicking.

Tackle: Willie Roaf
1993-2005
New Orleans Saints
11x Pro Bowl Selection, 9x All-Pro, NFL 1990s All-Decade Team, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame

Funnily enough, big Willie Roaf, a very qualified man for this sort of endeavour, was the last addition to the team. I guess I just don't really like that many tackles, I mean if we were going on a basis of favourites, Brad Hopkins would have taken this slot. And though he was a fine tackle for many years, he doesn't quite fit in here. So I decided that I wanted a Saint. Had to have a Saint. Why not go with a Hall of Famer?

Though Willie spent most of his time down in the Big Easy, I know him better as a Chief, where alongside Will Shields and Brian Waters, he was part of one of the best offensive lines in football. Coupled with Trent Green and Priest Holmes, that certainly was a potent attack, wasn't it?

Guard: Bruce Matthews
1983-2001
Houston Oilers
14x Pro Bowl Selection, 10x All-Pro, NFL 1990s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame

A 'best of' team without Bruce Matthews is like a sandwich without bread: it just shouldn't exist. Though it's funny, sometimes Bruce doesn't rank as highly as he should among the all-time greatest guards or centers, simply because he did them all. Tackle, guard, center, wherever you need him, he'd give you everything. He is, in my vaguely biased opinion, the best offensive lineman of all time. His  two decades of service are a testament to that.

One of my favourite things about Bruce, is that, as Titans fans, he was always ours: he was one of the greatest Houston Oilers, and he ushered us into a new identity alongside McNair, George, Wycheck and others. But when all was said and done, his service was only to one franchise. We never had to see him suit up for an opponent, not even in the twilight of his career.

I wonder if we'll ever see another Titan quite as great as him?

Guard: Mike Munchak
1982-93
Houston Oilers
9x Pro Bowl Selection, 10x All-Pro, NFL 1980s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame

Pardon me for not searching far and wide to find a companion to Bruce Matthews at guard. When one of the other members of the line was a fellow Hall of Famer, separating the two felt unnecessary. And though Munch's career wasn't nearly as long as Bruce's, he has still had the longer tenure with the team,  immediately transitioning to coaching in 1994, and, as the Titans' current head coach, has been a steadfast ally for more than thirty years.

Oh Munch. How I would love for you to succeed in the top job, simply because I can't bear to see you anywhere else. Honestly, I don't really know a great deal about Munchak's exploits on the field, as the less ballyhooed member of the o-line, but his credentials speak for themselves. He was damn good.

Center: Mel Hein
1931-45
New York Giants
2x NFL Champion, NFL MVP (1938), 4x Pro Bowl Selection, 5x All-Pro, NFL 75th Anniversary All-Time, Pro Football Hall of Fame

I've only recently learnt about the legend of Mel Hein, but my goodness, what a legend it is. A hybrid center/linebacker, Hein was a charter member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame, an 8-time All-Pro (I've been too lazy to accurately track older players' All-Pro stats, the above numbers reflect only his first-team selections), and above all else, the NFL MVP in 1938. Not as a linebacker, but as a center. Let that sink in for a moment: a center was the league's most valuable player.

How fantastic is that? It'd never happen in today's game, no matter how dominant a center might be, but for Hein to have achieved something that was unheard of even in his era, just shows that he was the damned best there was. Also, while constructing this team, I had no idea I'd be grabbing so many players from the 1930's. I feel kinda distinguished.

Defensive End: Bruce Smith
1985-2003
Buffalo Bills
11x Pro Bowl Selection, 11x All-Pro, NFL 1980s All-Decade Team, NFL 1990s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame

What happened to Buffalo football in the 90s is so damned unfair. Four straight Super Bowls, four straight losses. Each time, surely they thought it'd be the time they'd break through, just once, but alas, nothing. Only Don Beebe was able to taste success, by then a bit player with the Packers.

But it certainly wasn't for a lack of trying. Bruce Smith was a sack machine, collecting an NFL-record 200. The man could scarcely be stopped, nailing QBs 171 times in Buffalo, before moving on to D.C. and breaking Reggie White's esteemed total in 2003.

Defensive End: Cameron Wake
2009-present
Miami Dolphins
2x Pro Bowl Selection, 2x All-Pro

At a glance, you may find this one a little curious: appointing Cameron Wake to this status in such a short stint? Not one of the other defensive ends I have been a fan of this generation, like Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila or fellow Dolphin Jason Taylor?

No, my friends. Because not only is Cameron Wake a Dolphin. He's also a Lion. No, not that kind. The two time CFL most outstanding defensive player, formerly of the BC Lions. Yep, now it probably makes sense, it's borderline nepotism, but screw it, it's my damn list. At the rate he's going now, Wake may end up being the most successful Lion in the NFL.

...At least until Travis Lulay wins a Super Bowl. Possibly as a member of the BC Lions. Totally might happen.

Defensive Tackle: Warren Sapp
1995-2007
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Super Bowl Champion, 7x Pro Bowl Selection, 6x All-Pro, NFL 1990s All-Decade Team, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team, Pro Football Hall of Fame

Out of all the players on here, Warren Sapp could be the most significant. Simply because, had it not been for his exploits, I might have never become an NFL fan to begin with. I may have been a Raiders fan first (Rich Gannon, Charlie Garner, Jerry Rice, et al.), but big Warren, he was just delightful.

Whether it was the way he would rumble through the middle en route to the QB, or the way he'd jaw off at an opponent, with this great big grin on his face, looking like some batshit crazy 300-pound Joker. Warren Sapp was just lots of fun to watch, lots of fun to listen to, and he's paid out on me multiple times on Twitter. Which is kinda fun too, but I've learnt to stop Tweeting to him. All I wanted was a reprisal of his pogo stick dance...

Defensive Tackle: William Perry
1985-94
Chicago Bears
Super Bowl Champion

I was surprised that William Perry didn't have more achievements to his name. In actuality, the gargantuan man known as the Refrigerator seems more the beneficiary of being a member of the great Bears teams of the 80s. But he was huge, he was, like Warren previously, great fun, and he was one of the more memorable players of his era.

Everyone knew the Fridge. How could you not? He was absolutely massive, and moonlighted famously as a fullback. Definitely not a nice thing to see pre-snap, lined up on the goal line. This particular dream team would be great fun to draw plays up for in the red zone... three-back set. Earl Campbell deep in the backfield. Perry and Nagurski lined up on each side of the QB. Warren Sapp in at tight end. Are that many substitutions legal? I don't know. I don't care. I'll take the penalty just to watch the chaos ensue.

Outside Linebacker: Junior Seau
1990-2009
San Diego Chargers
12x Pro Bowl Selection, 10x All-Pro, San Diego Chargers #55 retired, San Diego Chargers Hall of Fame

Much in the same way Steve McNair's horrific slaying of 2009 devastated me, the confusing, tragic way in which Junior Seau took his life three years later left me, and the world as a whole, without my favourite linebacker of all time. The troubles Seau obviously suffered remain a mystery to me; but it in no way affects the opinion I have of him as a player, and as a man.

Seau was... the Chargers, man. He was one of the most impactful and significant defensive players of all time, and for every bit of a presence he was on the field, he equalled or surpassed that with his leadership and gumption. Upon his death in 2012, the Saints' Eric Olsen told a story, and frankly, the kind of person Seau is needs little more elaboration than this. Without further adieu...

“Wow this is a tough one. When I was a frosh in HS Junior Seau worked the Jay Fiedler Football camp and at the end of one of the days he challenged anyone to a 1-on-1. Being one of the ‘big’ kids, I was volunteered by my buddies and went up in front of the whole camp to face this monster of a man. Shaking in my cleats, he gave me a wink before a coach gave the cadence. He let me pancake him. And he sold it too. I can’t even tell you how good I felt at that moment; it changed me forever. The whole camp cheered for me, a chubby kid that didn’t know if he even liked football. From then on I was addicted. All thanks to this 10-time all-pro that felt like making some snot-nosed kid’s day. Doesn’t seem like much but it meant a lot to me. Sorry for the essay just had to share. RIP Junior I’ll never forget what you did for me.”

Outside Linebacker: Keith Bulluck
2000-10
Tennessee Titans
1x Pro Bowl Selection, 3x All-Pro

Oh shut up. I know Keith Bulluck was not the greatest outside linebacker of all time (we all know who that was), but he's definitely the greatest Titans outside linebacker of all time; a speedy, ballhawking tackling machine who would have a long list of credentials if he played on a more publicised team.

Everyone knew Keith was good. Few realised just how good he was, as the leader of the Tennessee defence season after season after season. And as Titans fans, we always knew we could rely on two things: Keith Bulluck would come to play, and Craig Hentrich was freaking awesome.

Actually, considering how long and how significant Keith's tenure with the Titans was, it almost feels weird knowing that he wasn't a member of their Super Bowl team. Indeed, it was the very draft that followed that added him to the ranks. One wonders how his presence could have effected the results of that game. But one should probably stop theorising on pointless matters.

Middle Linebacker: Brian Urlacher
2000-12
Chicago Bears
8x Pro Bowl Selection, 5x All-Pro, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team, NFL Defensive Player of the Year (2005)

Though he was clearly one of the best mike backers of this generation, now that he has retired (in a fairly bitter manner), the story of Brian Urlacher may be one that asks: what could have been?

Bruising, punishing and cerebral, Urlacher was everything you wanted in a middle linebacker. He was a stalwart on some of the amazing Bear defences of the mid-00's, leading them to a Super Bowl in 2006, a Super Bowl that ended terribly for everyone in the world. Then, he started to get knicked up here and there. Extended period missed here, season ending injury there. Despite all this, you still figured that when his contract was up, they'd find a way to keep him on-board.

But it didn't happen. A lot of things didn't happen for poor old Brian. He'll still be remembered fondly as one of the all-time great Bears, but in the greater scheme of NFL history? We'll see.

Middle Linebacker: London Fletcher
1998-present
Washington Redskins

Super Bowl Champion, 4x Pro Bowl Selection, 2x All-Pro, St. Louis Rams 10th Anniversary Team

It's not necessarily unusual for a middle linebacker to hang around for a long time, seeing a decreased role as he shifts from crucial cog to spiritual leader. But for London Fletcher, entering his sixteenth season, he seems to be entering the best part of his career. Undrafted in 1998, Fletcher made his name as part of the unheralded Rams' Super Bowl defence. He chilled with the Bills for a while, routinely featured among the league's leading tacklers, before landing with the Redskins. Isn't it surprising, then, how all of his Pro Bowl selections have come in the last four seasons, also garnering second-team All-Pro honours in '11 and '12.

An undersized guy from a small school, Fletcher truly worked his ass off to earn everything he's accomplished, and is likely my favourite undrafted player of all time (props to Rod Smith, too).

Cornerback: Ronde Barber
1997-2012
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Super Bowl Champion, 5x Pro Bowl Selection, 5x All-Pro, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team

When Tiki Barber was taken in the second round by the New York Giants in 1997, he became the Barber twin of note. Big city, big status, big results. Ronde was drafted one round later by Tampa Bay, and quietly, efficiently, achieved much greater success without nearly as much fanfare.

Ronde was a multifaceted defensive back who played smart and played hard, as evident in the fact that he is the only player in NFL history with 40+ interceptions and 20+ sacks. Like a lot of great cornerbacks, he transitioned to safety to close out his career, and in the one season at the new position, had 91 tackles, 13 passes defenced, 4 interceptions for 160 yards and a forced fumble. Definitely a raging success in year one, and it's the reason I was so shocked when he chose to call it quits.

It seems to me as though Ronde could have continued roaming the field for two more seasons, at least, but I guess playing well as an old man on a poor team isn't exactly the most appealing option. He'll always have his ring, he'll always have a place in Bucs' history, and he'll always have the one-up on Tiki.

Cornerback: Charles Woodson
1998-present
Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl Champion, 8x Pro Bowl Selection, 7x All-Pro, NFL Defensive Player of the Year (2009), NFL 2000s All-Decade Team

As you may have noticed, when I list each player, I'm not detailing each and every team they played for, instead opting to include only their team of most significance, and up to this point, the team which they stayed with for the longer duration. In Charles Woodson's case, his career has mostly seen him in black and silver, but he saw his greatest success as a Green Bay Packer, and as such, that is the version that I am including in this squad.

When Woodson left Oakland, I thought his best days were behind him. A crucial member of the Raiders' defence back when they were good, he saw his latter years shortened by injury. I figured he would make a good #2 behind Al Harris, diminishing each year and then quietly disappearing. A nice career, to be sure.

The resurgence he had, becoming the league's best cornerback, and in 2009, the best defender of all, was something else. He was a definite leader amongst the younger core that included Clay Matthews and B.J. Raji, and though he ultimately had his Super Bowl victory cut short by an injury, it surely made the championship no less sweet.

...Though that's a presumptuous thing to say. For all I know, he's bitter as fuck about it. But I kinda doubt it.

Cornerback: Ty Law
1995-2009
New England Patriots
3x Super Bowl Champion, 5x Pro Bowl Selection, 2x All-Pro, NFL 2000s All-Decade Team, New England Patriots 50th Anniversary Team

He fought the Law... And the Law won!

Back when I started watching football, it was a pretty safe guess to assume the Patriots were going to win the Super Bowl. Because, golly, they sure did it a lot, coming out on top three times in four seasons. And as the impressionable youth I was, I learnt fast who these cunning villains were - chief among them, for reasons of talent, results, and a name that's cooler than the other side of the pillow, was Ty Law.

Before Asante Samuel hit the scene, Law was the guy in the defensive backfield, picking off passes with such ease, you'd think he was the intended receiver. He was also a physical defender who liked to bully receivers, to the point where officiating crews were forced to tighten up on how much contact they allowed corners to get away with.

Free Safety: Sean Taylor
2004-07
Washington Redskins
2x Pro Bowl Selection, 1x All-Pro, Washington Redskins Ring of Fame

Thinking about how good Sean Taylor was in his short career makes me feel nostalgic. Thinking about how his life was so cruelly stolen away makes me feel mad as hell.

Sean Taylor was on a distinguished path. On the field, he was so damned mean; getting into some altercations along the way (not so big on that), but more importantly, he laid some absolutely brutal hits. He was a one-man wrecking crew, prowling about the field and then closing in on his hapless target like a missile. His hit on Brian Moorman in the 2006 Pro Bowl was a thing of absolute beauty, and a sad reminder of how the exhibition game used to be played.

The way he left this world was wrong in ways you can hardly express. He wasn't able to fulfil his career potential, but more importantly, he didn't get to see his daughter grow. He certainly left an impression on me, in the short time I was able to see him in action.

Strong Safety: John Lynch
1993-2007
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Super Bowl Champion, 9x Pro Bowl Selection, 4x All-Pro, NFL Alumni Defensive Back of the Year (2000)

In case you couldn't tell by now, I really liked the Buccaneers' championship defence. The third member of my Tampa Bay love affair is possibly the hardest hitting of them all. John Lynch, man, he just flew, didn't he? When I think of the term 'laying the wood', Lynch is typically the guy who comes to mind.

In today's NFL, Lynch would probably be fined the equivalent of the US economy, but back in his day, Lynch was just demonstrative. He hit, he knew where to go, he played the game the right way. He was certainly appropriately suited to the position of 'strong' safety. You could also accept 'mean' safety, 'brutal' safety, and possibly 'spiffy' safety.

Kicker: Jason Elam
1993-2009

Denver Broncos
2x Super Bowl Champion, 3x Pro Bowl Selection, 3x All-Pro, NFL's longest field goal (63 yards), Denver Broncos 50th Anniversary Team

There was a distinct lack of UH alumni on my team, and I was worried that I wouldn't find a spot for one (lest I deploy Greg Salas at wide receiver), but I found one who suited the cause, and he managed something only three other men have equalled.

A 63-yard field goal. I don't think I could kick that far if you combined four of my attempts. Elam kicked them hard and he kicked them true, nailing 428 of 527 field goal attempts (81.2%) and netting 1,983 points in his career, 7th in the all-time rankings.

Oh, and while we're at it, Elam also holds the records for most seasons with 100 or more points (16), most consecutive seasons of 100 or more points (16), most consecutive games scoring to start a career (263) and most career overtime field goals (9), just in case you weren't sold yet.

Punter: Ray Guy
1973-86
Oakland Raiders
3x Super Bowl Champion, 7x Pro Bowl Selection, 8x All-Pro, NFL's 75th Anniversary Team, NFL 1970s All-Decade Team

Oh look, it's Ray Guy. Also known as the greatest punter of all time. Sometimes known as the single most ridiculous fucking omission from the Pro Football Hall of Fame year after year. I've been on this tirade once before, back in 2010, and unfortunately Ray is no closer to the hallowed halls of Canton as he was back then.

I get it: punters play a lesser role on your team than other positions. But if the point of the Hall is to honour the very best, Ray Guy is first-ballot. He simply is the most decorated, most celebrated punter to ever play the position; the only other to come close being his distant successor, Shane Lechler.

Part of me is hopeful that I'll see the day Guy is enshrined, as he so obviously deserves, but the fact that he has been eligible for, what, 21 years, and rarely escapes the first round of cuts, is certainly a damning obstacle. One day, Ray. We'll show them all.

Head Coach: John Madden
1967-78
Oakland Raiders
Super Bowl Champion, 1969 PFW AFL Coach of the Year, 103-32-7 regular season record, Pro Football Hall of Fame

Was John Madden the greatest coach of all time? Not really. You could name a lot of coaches with more lustre, from Vince Lombardi to Bill Belichick. Including playoffs, he does have the second-highest winning percentage of all time, but more importantly to me... he is a great, big, wacky buffoon whose legacy on football transcends his accomplishments on the Raiders' sidelines.

His name, of course, is synonymous with football video games, and his 30 years of fantastic commentary with Pat Summerall and Al Michaels left an indelible mark on us all.

"Boom!" "Whap!" "Doink!"

Owner: Jack Kent Cooke
1961-97
Washington Redskins
3x Super Bowl Champion

The way Jack Kent Cooke rose to the top is truly the way it's supposed to be done. Growing up in Ontario in the 20s, Cooke made his start selling encyclopaedias and soap. Through good business savvy and networking, he moved onto radio and newspapers, finally making his start in sports entrepreneurship in 1951.

His success was not limited to football. He brought the NHL to Los Angeles, winning the bid for the franchise he would call the Kings. As owner of the Los Angeles Lakers, his teams appeared in 7 NBA Finals, claiming the 1972 championship.

But above all else, from 1982 to 1991, his Washington Redskins won three Super Bowls. His death led to the downfall of the Redskins, as his son was outbid by the deep pockets of Daniel Snyder. The wonderfully named Jack Kent Cooke Stadium (posthumously named) became yet another empty corporate shell, FedEx Field, and Snyder has been chided multiple times for trying too hard to make his imprint on the once proud franchise.

GM: Pat Gillick (w/ Paul Beeston as advisor)
1978-2008
Toronto Blue Jays
3x World Series Champion, Toronto Blue Jays Level of Excellence, National Baseball Hall of Fame

Whaaaaaaaaat? As general manager, I have appointed a man who has never had anything to do with the National Football League?

Yes, indeed! I want success, and I want to push the envelope. I want fresh ideas, and I seek them, oddly enough, from a 76-year old man. With Gillick as GM, the Toronto Blue Jays won five division titles and two championships: the man knows how to construct a winner. And if you're concerned that his playing history and, indeed, his entire career, was based only in baseball, I pull out the trump card: Paul Beeston. The business-minded Beeston was also instrumental in the Jays success, and spent one season as Team President of the CFL's Toronto Argonauts, to boot. If I could be bothered creating another section (honest to God, I'm far too tired to give this any more effort), I'd appoint Beeston as President of my fictional squad, but you get the point.

...Now to get some shut-eye. And possibly some Super Bowl rings.

Favourite moments in sport #3

It's been well over a year since I churned out one of these bad boys, and it should come as no surprise: there has been little to celebrate in the meantime. My best hope at success, the Canucks, have begun to decline, and the loud bang the Jays made in the offseason turned out to be little more than a backfire. Let's give props to the good times, though. Let's remember the brief periods when we were beautiful.

#6: The Jays' first title
I've made it clear that Joe Carter nailing a homer to clinch the '93 Series is arguably my favourite sporting moment of all time, but to begrudge Otis Nixon's bunt landing in Carter's glove for championship #1 would be acting like a spoilt child.

This is the unfortunate thing, you see: as a Canadian kid in 1992, I was four years old. People around me loved the Blue Jays, but I loved Super Nintendo (I still love Super Nintendo). Had I been paying attention at the time, it would have definitely made the victory much, much sweeter. Because for most of my other teams, there is no victory. Were the Titans or Raptors or Canucks to win back to back, I'd always remember the first - the one that finally ended the streak of mediocrity.

The 1992 World Series does not glow in hindsight (though apparently was the more entertaining series overall), but it is still glorious to all who saw it happen. Hopefully someday I'll travel back in time to see it live, and soak it in properly. Yes, I realise that that is a fairly mundane use for a time machine, but dammit, I owe it to the Blue Jays.

...And you owe it to them to watch more than a reenactment by Otis, who is apparently a good sport. Take it all in, bro.

#7: Terrence Ross' tribute to Vince
Do you want to know what's really hilarious about all of these top moments in sport? There is only one that I actually watched live. Not Carter's dinger. Not VY tearing the Trojans apart. Not even the golden fucking goal, a transgression which could cost me my Canadian citizenship.

The one I saw as it happened, funnily enough, is the one that I'm most apathetic about: Terrence Ross winning the 2013 Slam Dunk Contest. Now let me get a few things straight, it's not a slight on Ross at all, or indeed, not even on his performance that night. The reason it sits so low on the totem pole is because the competition, overall, was terrible. The amount of failed dunks on the night was dreadful, and it seemed as though nobody really brought their A-game. Probably the most exhilarating part, in a bad way, was watching Ross botch his first dunk effort again and again, seeing time tick away and realising he was about to fail. Fortunately, he nailed it, with 13 seconds left, and it was a beauty.

For Ross to win was certainly a delight, but the peak of the contest comes at about the 30-second mark of the above clip, where Ross pays tribute to Toronto's very best. Like I said a year ago, Vince's win was the kind that people still talk about. And though Ross' may not stand the test of time, the moment he donned that purple #15, you knew you were in for something good. Off the backboard, double clutch, BOOM. It was perfect in every way, from the jersey to the dunk itself. Had the other competitors been as sharp as Ross had been there, this would have definitely been greater. But hey, it was nice to see a Raptor on top for once.

...Also, because of the nature of my live viewing, this appears to be the longest summary of them all. Fancy that, eh?

#8: The BC Lions save the Grey Cup
When your team has six titles to their name, picking a favourite comes down to intangibles. At the end of the day, they all lead to the same result: the BC Lions are Grey Cup champions, but what else happened? How did it happen? Why did it happen? To whom did it happen?

In 1994, the Lions faced off against an invading force. The football league which by its very name proclaimed to be Canadian had an American team vying for the storied trophy. The Baltimore CFLers not only possessed quite possibly the worst team name in sporting history (nod to the Modesto Nuts), they also intended to take the Cup south.

BC wouldn't stand for it. Canada wouldn't stand for it. And most of all, Lui Passaglia wouldn't stand for it, nailing a 38-yard field goal in the dying seconds to keep the Grey Cup where it belonged, in her majesty's kingdom of CANADA.

...Then Calgary fucked everything up the next season and let Baltimore steal our goddamn trophy. At least by then they were called the Stallions, an acceptable name for a franchise.

Ranking the Fire Emblem Awakening Units

It's been 23 days, 60 hours of play time, and more soft resets than I care to remember, and now, I've finally completed the main campaign of Fire Emblem Awakening. Allow me to say, what a magnificent game: everything I had been hoping and waiting for, and then some. The gameplay has proven challenging, the rewards satisfying, and the writing, simply delightful. I've really invested a lot of emotion into these silly little polygons on the 3DS screen, and now that I'm done, I thought it might be fun to rank them all. Though it may not reflect the overall ranking, I've also rated them as a character, and how useful they proved as a unit.

As a precursor, this covers only characters included in the main game. This does include side quests, but not any DLC characters. Partially because the DLC characters are mostly stoic voiceless automatons, and also because a lot of them haven't been released in Australia yet. Though for the record, Gangrel is awesome. He's a dick, in all of the best ways.

Possible spoilers? Beware. Now without further ado...!

#43: Miriel
Battles: 65 Victories: 32
Character: 1
Unit: 1
Bleh. It's not that there's anything wrong with Miriel, per se, it's just that in such a swarth of fantastic, colourful characters, she definitely comes up flat. I find her wordy diatribes boring, and other than the bemusement of some of the other characters, her supports aren't particularly interesting, either.

Miriel came into the game in chapter 2, and was an immediate reminder how much I hate magic casters in the early stages. Her arcane power may be enticing, but as soon as you've downed one hapless enemy, four more are ready to come down on her, disposing of her in one shot. Besides, she's just gobbling up tomes that would be much more useful in the hands of the Avatar (henceforth referred to by his given name, Raymund). Gimme those books back, bitch.

#42: Vaike
Battles: 99 Victories: 45
Character: 3
Unit: 2
Because of his high strength and HP, I was convinced in the beginning that Vaike would prove to be a useful unit, capable of manning the front lines alongside Frederick, Raymund and Chrom. And yes, I found the whole missing axe thing amusing at first, primarily because it was such an odd occurrence, and added a little bit of extra strategy to the chapter.

But then, something happened: Vaike. Kept. DYING. Not only was he taking a constant pounding, but because of his low skill, he was left swinging at thin air whenever he ran afoul of a swift swordsman. I didn't recall having such an issue with the fighter class in Sacred Stones, but Vaike was fantastically inept, perhaps even just in accordance with his personality.

That personality, much like his on-field capabilities, grew thin over time. Maybe it was just because of how much he sucked in battle, but I couldn't help but want the blonde fool to just shut the hell up.

#41: Laurent
Battles: 7 Victories: 3
Character: 2
Unit: 2
A lot of these kids get the shaft, because they came after I had already had my roster pretty much set. It's a stubborn habit I have; rather than try and shake things up each chapter, I just throw my typical juggernauts into the fray, leaving all of the auxiliary units to watch sadly from the sidelines. It's how Cormag became an all-powerful harbinger of death in Sacred Stones, and it's how Laurent only saw action a couple of times when I decided to throw the children to the wolves.

He benefits from being a strong caster right out of the gates, and seems more adept at dodging than dear old mom, as well, which makes him more tolerable. However, he's a carbon copy of Miriel in the personality department, and only gets one more point on the character scale because I find him kind of oddly sexy. Yeah, I went there.

#40: Maribelle
Battles: 32 Victories: 7
Character: 4
Unit: 3
I would have expected more use out of the helpful troubadour class, and there was a time when I dabbled in the art of employing dual healers, but as time went on, and the enemies grew more fierce, Maribelle found herself trotting about the stables rather than the battlefield. Maribelle's character definitely won't appeal to everyone: her snooty nature is tiresome at times, but the banter she shares with her poor fool of a son Brady is great stuff.

Once I promoted her to her natural valkyrie class, she still didn't get much use. Oftentimes, I was a veritable Vaike as a tactician, forgetting to equip her with a tome to battle with. By the time I'd realise, Chrom's convoy was typically deep into enemy territory, and out of range for our mounted maiden. Instead, I'd just spam rescue and hammerne for cheap XP. It must have been both infuriating and bewildering for her allies when they'd constantly be moved one space back to join Maribelle's side. Perhaps she seemed lonely.

#39: Nah
Battles: 8 Victories: 5
Character: 2
Unit: 1
Maybe she would have grown on me with more time, but Nah was ultimately just another also-ran when I saved her from that confounding haunted mansion. From her quiet, pensive personality to her boring hair colour (brown!!), she just didn't seem to stand out much. I could be to blame, having doomed her to be the daughter of Kellam.

I'd had mixed results with her manakete mother Nowi; whereas I'd once employed Myrrh as an untouchable beast, I found this edition's dragon warriors much slower and fragile. So, by and large, I gave Nah a miss.

#38: Tiki
Battles: 0 Victories: 0
Character: 2
Unit: 0
And while we're at it, I didn't even touch Tiki. Just a generic 'slumbering god' archtype. Again, she may have had more on offer, but I only acquired her in order to complete my roster. She appears to be a damn side stronger than both Nowi and Nah, so maybe she's worth investigating, but as of right now, she's a mystery. She's only ranked this highly because I like her character design. And no, I don't mean her boobs.

#37: Severa
Battles: 9 Victories: 9
Character: 2
Unit: 5
Severa surprised me in a lot of ways: the daughter of a noted pegasus knight is a mercenary? And she hates her mother for abandoning her? That little bit is cool: she refused to mount a pegasus because of her resentment for Cordelia. Like Gerome, she's a jaded, miserable figure from a broken future. Unfortunately however, she's represented like a bratty child, and that's where the buck stops for me. I do like her occasional lapses, where she relents and gives into happiness, but her general demeanour certainly grinds.

On a combat level, she could have definitely cracked the roster: she was easily the strongest of all of the children, dispatching of opponents without so much as a scratch. Even in her recruitment mission, she proved an independent figure, moving on her own volition, and though I escorted her the whole way, I now think that she could have handled herself pretty well. She's one of only three units with a perfect winning record, and of the three, she fought the most battles.

#36: Donnel
Battles: 78 Victories: 41
Character: 4
Unit: 3
A lot of people who play the game fall in love with Donnel. They grow with him, this pathetic little weakling who has magnificent stat gains, and becomes a fierce warrior. And he's certainly charming, with his country bumpkin accent and humble nature. In my case however, I'm none too fond of his design, and my starting lineup was already filled to the brim by the time he became a credible battler.

He's due for a reclassing, probably to hero like everyone else seems to do, at which point he'll no doubt become a serviceable, if not forgettable, secondary unit.

#35: Anna
Battles: 12 Victories: 8
Character: 4
Unit: 4
Anna's a mixed bag, both as a character and a unit. I do like her 'me-first' attitude, and her cunning enterprising nature, but those shop merchant one-liners grow old fast. Now, as a trickster, she was a sight to see in her recruitment side quest, deftly dodging hordes of ruffians while I slogged my way through the snow to her rescue. Unfortunately, since I didn't really use her for more than petty house burglary, she didn't grow much stronger or quicker. So eventually, her evasive manoeuvres began resembling this...

#34: Stahl
Battles: 68 Victories: 38
Character: 6
Unit: 3
One of the things I really enjoy about Stahl is his personality: he's just a really average, friendly dude who likes to eat. I mean, damn, I can relate to that. I don't so much slay vagabonds from atop a steed, but if I did, me and Stahl would be one and the same.

Stahl was one of the biggest sufferers of neglect on my play through: by the time most of my active units were onto their next promotion, Stahl was still just idling at level 3. Then, out of pity and a queer sense of fatherly duty, I'd deploy Stahl for the random map skirmishes, and then shrug in confusion while he was routinely murdered. For such a laidback dude, Stahl sure had to put up with a lot of my shit.

His problem was twofold: I don't really like cavaliers (because by the time they appear, I'm already used to the overpowered second-in-command promote), and I liked Sully much better. Eventually, I managed to beef him up and make him a great knight, which I think he would have liked. Just don't tell him that I like paladins much better.

#33: Say'ri
Battles: 3 Victories: 2
Character: 5
Unit: 2
Say'ri seems like a pretty cool unit; a quiet, determined insurgent. But of course, she appeared during the Walhart saga, by which time there were already four or five swordmasters at my disposal. So yes, she became an individual, just like everyone else. I did let her kill her own brother, which I thought at first would be a nice treat for her, until she and I both discovered his true nature. At which point, I kinda felt like I should have just let Lon'qu kill him instead, 'cause Lonq don't give a shit.

Maybe on my next go on lunatic difficulty, I'll give Say'ri a bit of run. That is, assuming she doesn't die fleeing unarmed from her assailants while I look for treasure out in the sand. Which we all must admit is a very strong possibility.

#32: Owain
Battles: 14 Victories: 13
Character: 6
Unit: 2
I want to love Owain. He's so wonderfully odd, but somehow he hasn't won me over yet. Again, it could just be a matter of giving him more time to strut his stuff, and prove to me he's more than a hand-brandishing lunatic. Although now that I've put it in those words, that is an excellent thing to be, and perhaps he doesn't need to be anything else after all.

As I just established, there was a logjam in the myrmidon classes, so his rampage was fairly short-lived. I am considering re-classing him as a sage, as an excellent solution to his rogue sword hand that causes him so much trouble. He fears that he will cut through friend and foe alike, but if he's a sage, he might just hit them with a book instead, and surely that won't be so bad.

#31: Cordelia
Battles: 83 Victories: 64
Character: 5
Unit: 6
Poor Cordelia must have been convinced she was a lock for the starting lineup. I set her up that way, betrothing her to Lon'qu, who was also one of the early candidates for the coveted StreetPass team. But things fell apart as time went on, and a whole slew of pegasi began springing up all over the place. For such a rare, legendary creature, there sure seemed to be a lot of them available to me.

I would also see the folly of my ways, realising that a flying unit simply must be paired with a sturdy companion: a mighty general marrying a pony-riding dragoon might seem like strange bedfellows, but it makes perfect sense. You swoop into the fray with your aerial escort, and then switch into action with the armoured titan. By coupling Cordelia with the elusive but defenceless Lon'qu, I was toeing the line of danger by having two physically frail units on the front line. So, much to her vexation, Cordelia got less and less airtime as the season went on, before finally becoming an extra in the end.

#30: Olivia
Battles: 11 Victories: 6
Character: 5
Unit: 5
A dancer can be a crucial addition to any Fire Emblem squad, allowing your best soldiers to strike not once, but twice in a single turn. Even before I had acquired Olivia, I had convinced myself that there was a spot waiting for her. Then, she took the field, and golly, she was weak, wasn't she? I know, that's the point, she was a low level and a fragile class, but she stood right next to Sully, for god's sake, who must have spat at her in pure disgust. "Dancin'?" Sully scoffed, poking at Olivia cruelly with her lance, "I don't feel like dancin', no sir, no dancin' today!" ...No, I don't really think Sully would sing Scissor Sisters. I just hope it to be true.

Eventually, I did level Olivia up enough for her to be able to dodge attackers, and then prod them with her iron sword for an excellent 6 damage, but by then, I had realised that having one gimmick character in order to double the capacity of another, wasn't as productive as simply having two really great characters. But don't feel too bad for her: she wedded Gaius, in what is probably one of my favourite marriages of all.

#29: Lissa
Battles: 32 Victories: 8
Character: 7
Unit: 7
Now we're really starting to get to the meat and potatoes of the cast. From the very beginning, Lissa is there, this quirky, immature little princess, mending the wounds of her injured teammates. I remembered the folly I had made with Moulder in Sacred Stones, only choosing to heal when it was needed. Which is fine in theory, but it makes levelling them an absolute chore, since they can't jump into actual combat, and eventually you're frantically trying to triage amongst mighty foes who want nothing more than to smack your little priest in the face.

So with Lissa, I decided that everything needed healing. Took one damage? Here's a heal. Level up gained you one more HP? Let's heal that. Sent into the battle without a weapon simply so that someone would hurt you? Oh, you better believe that's a healin'.

Lissa was also generous enough to make up for my many mistakes where I got her closer to the enemy than intended, dodging lethal attacks while no doubt cursing Raymund's name, distraught that he had chosen to sacrifice her safety in order to heal Frederick's 2 missing HP. So it was with excellent expedience she hit level 20, and was promoted to sage. And then, sadly, her run was basically over, because I had been lured in by Ricken's offensive charms. More on that later.

#28: Tharja
Battles: 50 Victories: 32
Character: 7
Unit: 6
Apparently, Tharja's one of the most popular characters in the game, and I can definitely see why: she's wonderfully creepy, and it doesn't come across as tacky in any way at all. She's everything that emo should have been, and we love her for it.

She was one of the most capable units right out of the gates, but her dark mage class wasn't really fitting a need for me at the time, so she was unfairly cast to the wayside. But with her magical prowess, excellent range and surprising bulk, it wasn't for a lack of trying. I really enjoy Tharja's supports, a bevy of conversations detailing how everyone is going to be cursed and suffer a horrible fate. It's what I imagine discussions with Twilight fans are like, only fun.

#27: Nowi
Battles: 79 Victories: 40
Character: 7
Unit: 7
I first met Nowi fleeing from bandits in the desert. I paired her with Gregor, placing him at the front as a human shield, and was soon shown the folly of my ways. He buckled under the pressure of the many attacks, and died right there on the scorching sand. On the second attempt, I put Nowi as the aggressor, and was rewarded with a smooth journey to safety. The allure of a manakete is clear: their high stat buffs are enticing, and they're strong in most of their capabilities. But where they fail is in a crucial area: speed.

Nowi is so incredibly slow! This is most telling against the many heroes that you face towards the end of the game, who are able to dodge her dragon breath while also laying two hits against her single blow. Much like the fire she purportedly breathes, Nowi's use on the grid is short and intense. She'll get her licks in, but is then forced to hide behind the safety of her husband, Kellam. That relationship still strikes me as odd, by the way. They fell in love while playing hide and seek. Try naming three couples who fell in love that way, and you can't include any Kardashians.

#26: Cherche
Battles: 91 Victories: 55
Character: 6
Unit: 6
The excitement on my face was tangible when Cherche joined the party: a wyvern rider! Finally!! My all-time favourite class was at long last ready for action, and I immediately responded by sending her to her death amongst an onslaught of mages. I guess I should have tempered my expectations a little.

As I got to know her better, I realised that Cherche wasn't quite the dragon-riding figure I remembered. She had the usual bow weakness, and her resistance to magic was low, which I could deal with, too. But shouldn't she have been a little sturdier against physical blows? And more capable of evading them, as well? As each fight went on, and I was less convinced that she was able to drift blindly into battle, she started seeing more time as the #2 in a pairing. It didn't matter which pairing, really, just somewhere to tuck her away, where she couldn't be injured, but could still garner some XP. Meh. That experiment was over fast.

#25: Ricken
Battles: 151 Victories: 79
Character: 6
Unit: 7
Right off the bat, Ricken was trickin'. After my disappointing forays with Miriel, Ricken was something else; capable of some fierce magic and bearing a striking resemblance to Ewan. Ewan was an excellent unit for me in Sacred Stones, a sweet little redheaded kid who became progressively darker and more evil until finally he had become a hideous druid, a bulky cloaked figure who also had the queer ability to heal. Frankly, I wouldn't trust him to heal me, but to each their own.

So because of this fictional pedigree, Ricken lived a charmed existence, levelling rapidly and quickly ascending to the dark knight class. Strangely enough, it all started falling apart from there. Other than increased movement with the addition of an equine automobile, and a newfound ability to wield swords, Ricken didn't see much improvement. Most noticeably, he like Nowi suffered from inferior speed, a most damning offense in Fire Emblem. When two units deal similar blows but at vastly different speeds, I'm almost always going to opt for the faster unit, who can literally do twice as much damage in a single skirmish.

But Ricken hung in there for a while, finally bowing out when the children began to appear. Meanwhile, somewhere in the folds of time, that old dastard Ewan shook his head in disappointment. He then went on to coerce unwilling recipients to see his 'healing stick'.

#24: Panne
Battles: 52 Victories: 26
Character: 7
Unit: 5
The new taguel class certainly looks cool: they're BUNNIES, for crying out loud. And in Panne's case, she's a surly, distrusting bunny, which is even better in my book. Panne and I had an unfortunate misunderstanding from the beginning, when I kept trying to stick her in against hordes of enemies, convinced that she could take them all on. And yes, she had the brute force, but wasn't able to withstand the constant blows to the noggin. So her brief day in the sun was over before it had really begun. As time went on, and I convinced her to marry a large Russian man, I began to better realise what she was capable of. By then, of course, it was too late, but I like to think we've made our peace. Her many rabbit references are delightful, and for that purpose, she is invaluable.

#23: Henry
Battles: 27 Victories: 14
Character: 8
Unit: 4
Has a character like Henry been done before? This eerie, wisecracking, morbid little prick? I don't know, but I love him for it. He's such a chirpy, chipper fellow juxtaposed with a fascination for blood and death, and I'm almost certain I'll find a use for him in my next playthrough. On the battlefield, he seemed like a less bulky version of Tharja with better voodoo, who I had already dismissed. So as you can appreciate, Henry didn't really have much impact on saving the world, either. But to his credit, I always felt less guilty whenever he died, because I kinda figured it was what he wanted.

#22: Morgan
Team member!
Battles: 32 Victories: 22
Character: 6
Unit: 7
You might think it odd for one of my ten-man squad to be so low on the character ranking scale, but I still haven't entirely gotten used to Morgan yet. I feel guilty, because she's my daughter, for crying out loud, but I'm yet to be won over by her character, and because she's been shadowing her dad for most battles, she hasn't had a chance to really shine as a unit, either. I actually like her sister much better, but please don't tell her that.

I am looking forward to reclassing her, and I'm still weighing up my options. I feel like an eastern European parent forcing my charge into my chosen profession, but I do it with love, so when she becomes a world-class athlete, I'm sure she won't hate me for it.

#21: Libra
Battles: 35 Victories: 15
Character: 7
Unit: 6
It's funny, had Libra just been your basic priest class, I probably would have liked him less. After all, he's just your typical quiet, god-praising wiseman. However, he's a war monk, which means he goes into battle with a huge freakin' axe, so he gets bumped up a few slots.

As one of the first pre-promoted classes to emerge, Libra was an instant hit, capable of weathering the storm while also healing his allies, a definite asset considering most of my medical classes were incapable of fighting back. His discussions with his comrades were interesting without coming across as overly preachy, and I kept Libra in action basically as long as I could. Eventually, he was outclassed, absorbing more hits than he should have because of lazy micromanagement on the part of Raymund (stupid Raymund), but as a consolation prize, he took Tharja as his bride. Whether or not that's a good thing is up for you to decide.

#20: Lon'qu
Battles: 156 Victories: 178
Character: 7
Unit: 7
This Sora doppelgänger sure is a cool customer. He doesn't say much, and when he does, it's not very friendly. He's terrified of women, which is often hilarious, and he was the first myrmidon to appear, one of my favourite classes. So as you can appreciate, he got a fair bit of action, swiftly striking at foes with his dreaded blade, the killing edge, while sidestepping their lumbering counterattacks. This was excellent to start with, but as I've often alluded to, the opponents soon caught up, able to match Lon'qu's vaunted speed, and hit him hard.

None could ever seem to crit quite as often as Lon'qu, but his fragility was ultimately his undoing. He made a lengthy appearance as Chrom's right-hand man (because whatever anyone says, that combination is damned cool), before retiring to trade awkward glares with his daughter Severa.

#19: Flavia
Battles: 0 Victories: 0
Character: 7
Unit: 1
Now let's get something straight here: that 0 battle label isn't quite true. From the day of her recruitment, Flavia saw every battle that followed, as an ally to my other, more established units. So it's not like she never fought, she just chose not to strike when the opportunity presented itself. She's not a coward, she's just not a very good friend.

Flavia is a student of the excellent hero class, but it's certainly a class with growing pains. I'll beef her up later on, I reckon, but her role is currently being filled quite capably by a mercenary named Honnor, a young lady I met via StreetPass. After I had slaughtered all of her friends and family and roughed her up, she most willingly took up the cause and joined me. Flavia's hardy, but I don't think she's gone through the hardship of poor old Honnor.

#18: Noire
Battles: 13 Victories: 11
Character: 8
Unit: 3
Archers don't get much use in the later stages of gameplay from me. In Advance Wars, the game that preceded my love of Fire Emblem, ranged units were a blessing because most units simply couldn't strike from afar. Unfortunately for bow-wielding units in this franchise, ranged hits are capable by almost every class, with the added benefit of also being usable in close quarters. Folks like poor Noire here are just left to get punched in the nose while helplessly holding their bow in their hand.

I upgraded her to a bow knight, allowing her to also fight with swords, but it then begged the question: unless you were striking a susceptible midair foe, why would you even bother with the bow anymore?

I'd sure like to use Noire though, because I find her hilarious. Abused for years at the hands of her malicious mother, Noire grows to be a terrified, pessimistic young lady who has occasional frightening outbursts that would make Mariah Carey blush.

I'd say that she'll get more use in the next playthrough, but I'm pretty sure I've already said that ten or eleven times prior to this, and I'm running out of room. I don't want to make false promises to imaginary people, after all.

#17: Frederick
Battles: 223 Victories: 78
Character: 8
Unit: 7
Ahh, Frederick. Fire Emblem games can prove daunting at times, leaving your level 1 lords and clerics at the mercy of the unwashed masses, with each blow potentially wiping out a quarter of their health. But you've got a trump card, and that trump card has a horsey.

Frederick is the first promoted unit you have to play with, fresh out of the box from the first chapter. And boy, is he a doozy. Not only does he move faster and hit harder than all of the other units, but more importantly, he can take a thumping and keep on trucking. I tried not to lean on him too much, because I knew that using Frederick solely was a fool's errand, and my team would be the worse for it overall.

So yes, he started off as número uno in the pecking order, and I tried to level him as best I could, too, but once the others began growing in strength, Frederick's value tapered off. It's like when you see your parent fail for the first time: this once infallible figure, now so apparently mortal. It's heartbreaking.

On the character front, Frederick appears at first to just be your typical second-in-command. Brave, wary and stoic. But once you dig deeper, you find his lovable side: his passion to aid Chrom, which borders on obsession, his thorough attention to detail, and his many hobbies and foibles. Plus, his crit/skill quote, 'Pick a god and pray!' is too badass for words. Except, perhaps, those words.

#16: Yarne
Battles: 5 Victories: 5
Character: 8
Unit: 1
The juxtaposition of Panne; brutal, proud and cunning, against her son Yarne is magnificent. The dude's a coward who simply doesn't want to die. And it's with good cause too, considering that this is one of the few games where death is a permanent thing. So really, he should fear death. Because he's not carrying any weapon besides a beaststone, relegating his major offensive to being a rabbit and kicking armoured knights in the nads. You'd be scared too, wouldn't you?

Because I enjoy him so much as a character, I've decided that he's going to marry Lucina, and I don't care how that sits with Chrom. The legendary exalt of Ylisse, father-in-law to a skittish bunny. You can't write better satire, really.

#15: Chrom
Team member!
Battles: 434 Victories: 287
Character: 7
Unit: 9
Good old reliable Chrom, another excellent addition to the proud tradition of leading lords. He could have been very generic, considering the qualities he possesses: courageous, headstrong and trusting, but because of the snappy writing, he never comes across as two-dimensional.

I had to keep reminding myself that Chrom was not in fact invincible, particularly when magic was involved, but the way he went in there and sponged up all of those hits was a true testament to his noble lineage. Also, the brother has a tattoo, so you know he's cucumberesque, aka. coooooool.

#14: Kellam
Battles: 372 Victories: 178
Character: 7
Unit: 8
Oh Kellam, how I leant on you, when I wasn't strong. And you were my friend. You helped me carry on. And you donned a ridiculously oversized metallic suit, and somehow people didn't know you were there. But I knew, Kellam. I knew, because I mercilessly sent you straight down the gullet of the enemy force, and watched on with admiration as their swords and axes clanged harmlessly upon your armour. Of course, I also chose to recklessly pit you against arcane attackers, to whom your defence meant nothing, but you didn't hate me for it. Well, if you did, you didn't say anything.

For his loyal service, Kellam was brushed aside when a better tank came along, and true to his nature, he was forgotten. Alas, in an effort to flesh out his skill set, his dismissal wasn't as a general, but a fruity little trickster, brandishing a tiny little bent sword and a frilly collar. Fate is cruel sometimes.

Also, for funsies I was considering omitting Kellam from this list entirely, but in the end I decided it was too obvious. The more you know!

#13: Gregor
Battles: 75 Victories: 43
Character: 9
Unit: 5
Isn't it fitting that Kellam should sit a spot below a man with 300 less battles to his name? For some reason, Gregor really struggled to pull his weight, and didn't find a place amongst the greats, but it wasn't for a lack of trying on my part. I really, really wanted to keep Gregor in action, because he's a good-natured Russian mercenary, and that may very well be the best thing in the world. He's like the antithesis to Dead or Alive's Bayman, and he couldn't be happier about it, I assume.

As I did with many units who couldn't pull their weight, Gregor enjoyed a stint shadowing stronger allies, including a promising but ultimately disappointing partnership with Ricken. Because of the glut of potential heroes at my disposal (Inigo, Flavia, and even poor old Honnor), Gregor may be due for a new career as the underutilized berserker, so perhaps his story is not yet finished...

#12: Gerome
Team member!
Battles: 167 Victories: 132
Character: 6
Unit: 9
Gerome sure looks cool, with his superhero-like mask and black armour, and his stiff, rude and distant demeanour might appeal to some, but I cry foul: I already had a character like that named Lon'qu, and he had the added bonus of being a gynophobe. But Gerome, he's... meh. Very meh. So meh that I feel as though he doesn't really deserve a slot on the team, but is basically automatic because he's a wyvern riding fella who routinely destroys enemies. He probably had the quickest growth out of all of my units: he began by quietly observing the actions of his cohorts, and then within a few chapters he became my second-best soldier. Can't argue with those results.

He's currently doing a round as a warrior (because counter consumes all souls), and I've liked him much better in this guise than previously, simply due to the fact that he's adorned with feathers, and it's wonderfully festive. He'll go back to riding Minerva once he hits 15 (who he still mentions frequently despite her absence, or the curious period where she transformed into a griffon), but for now, let's just enjoy his snappy attire.

#11: Brady
Battles: 5 Victories: 0
Character: 8
Unit: 3
Brady was the last cut to the final ten-man roster, a character who I so wanted to find room for, but ultimately couldn't squeeze in. So it's quite fitting that he should find himself once again out of the top ten on this list. What I love about Brady is that he doesn't suit the priest stereotype at all. He's a boorish, cockney brute, and probably only took up the cloth because his dear old mom forced him into it.

Another splendid sight to see is how he interacts with his father, who, most awkwardly, happens to be Ricken, who seems to be fifteen years his junior. Brady can't seem to get anything right by anyone, but at least he suffers for the benefit of my amusement. He seems to get really infuriated by tea, for one thing.

#10: Lucina
Team member!
Battles: 319 Victories: 229
Character: 8
Unit: 9
From the moment she first appears, you know something is special about Lucina's character. You're not sure who she is, or what her deal is, but you want to know more. And watching that tale unfold is one of the many wonderful little story arcs that you'll come across. Lucina basically forced her way onto the fightin' roster of A Splendid Death (the result of roughly ten seconds trying to come up with a team name), because straight out of her packaging she was a force to be reckoned with. She was strong, swift, and seemed to gain more XP than her allies, and so was very quickly able to boot poor old Kellam out of action.

One of the things I really like about her character is that, despite how weary and determined her dire future has made her, she still seems to desperately seek some element of her lost childhood. Which is especially fun when it has to do with her mother Sully, who quite obviously isn't the mushy type, though may be prone to belting out Scissor Sisters when provoked.

#9: Sully
Team member!
Battles: 282 Victories: 183
Character: 8
Unit: 8
Again, Sully is a character who is special from the get-go. If you were to condense her persona into one word, it'd be butch, but if you told her that, you'd soon find yourself down a head. Sully is the queen of no-nonsense, and most appropriately, I seemed to always send her into situations overmatched. As I've said before, I don't like cavaliers, primarily because I keep making the mistake of thinking they're comparable to paladins, and as a result, they frequently die under my watch. To that end, Sully was almost the first character I ever continued on without, right from her debut in chapter 1. In one of those typical cavalier deaths, she was heard to remark, "Damn my eyes... I was foolish...and careless... Hate to do this to ya, but I've got no choice... I gotta retreat...”

Since I refuse to play on casual mode, I was confused by her statement. Oh, she wasn't really dead? So that little slip-up wasn't going to cost me? I went on to finish the battle, and proceed onto the next chapter, when I noticed Sully was still absent. It then clicked with me that she was alive in storyline only, and as far as a playable unit goes, dead as a doornail. Fortunately, I had the foresight to not save that faux pas, and went back to fix the past, and keep Sully safe. I'm a veritable Lucina, it seems.

#8: Virion
Battles: 93 Victories: 69
Character: 8
Unit: 5
From the moment Virion declared himself as 'the archest of archers', I was hooked. With each chapter that commenced, and each new unit who joined the fold, I kept looking for a way to keep Virion in play. So many units, more capable and useful, came and went, while Virion hung in there, every now and then firing an arrow from safely behind Sir Frederick.

Again, his schtick isn't something we haven't seen before, as a foppish, charming noble, but it's his many nuances that make him so loveable. Though he loves to brag about himself, it's rarely at the expense of others, and he's quick to hand out praise or advice to his allies. Unfortunately, they often seem to act like dicks and just brush it off, but I see Virion's true nobility. I just can't quite fathom how he managed to father a son as screwy as Owain, but I guess that's what happens when you die before your time.

#7: Inigo
Team member!
Battles: 11 Victories: 9
Character: 8
Unit: 4
Honestly, I'd rather not have Inigo on my team, because from what I've noticed on StreetPass, Inigos are a dime a dozen. He's so damned popular, and whether it's because of his dashing good looks, his warm smile and friendly demeanour, or the fact that the dude gyrates his hips at the ladies, I too am hooked on the Inigo.

Beyond that, he still hasn't earned his place, because truth be told, he's still just a mercenary and not yet a hero, a fact I'm reminded of whenever he fights alongside Lucina, and follows up her fierce 37 damage with a harmless attack of his own, but in his defence, I haven't yet thrown him to the wolves as I did with Germoe and Kjelle. They shone for it, while Inigo has his own strengths. These include but are not limited to his dashing good looks, his warm smile and friendly demeanour, and the fact that the dude gyrates his hips at the ladies. Seriously, I fucking love Inigo.

#6: Kjelle
Team member!
Battles: 206 Victories: 147
Character: 8
Unit: 8
Before I proceed, let me state that a heavy percentage of Kjelle's score as a character is because of her C-support with her sister Lucina. It's my favourite out of all of the support conversations, and it made me love Kjelle forevermore. Otherwise, she's your standard fare, a determined young knight with something of a hatred for men, but she's so damned cute, she's become my new Amelia.

She was certainly helped by the fact that she was quite capable, and brandished the useful skill Aether, allowing her to quickly find her niche as the burly armoured knight. She also spent some time as an assassin, giving her access to the wonderfully overpowered lethality ability, and overall, it has just made her an absolute horror to fight against. I mean, I haven't fought her myself, nor spoken to anyone who has, but I just assume it to be true. For one thing, she played a heavy hand in killing Honnor's loved ones.

#5: Basilio
Battles: 2 Victories: 1
Character: 9
Unit: 3
If this game didn't rely so heavily on support buffs, Basilio would be a lock for the ten-man team. I waited so long to finally get to play as him, and then finally, when he made his services available in chapter 23, I eagerly sent him after one of the ghoulish enemies. He was quickly dispatched of, and almost died. Whoops. He hid behind Chrom for the duration of the chapter, and has been lurking in the shadows of the larger parties since then.

How much of my love for Basilio is based on his statement that people could 'kiss his big brown Feroxi arse'? I cannot say. But I fathom a guess to say that hearing it for the first time made you love him too, and if it did not, then I shall strike at the blackened heart of thee, demon!

#4: Gaius
Battles: 81 Victories: 38
Character: 9
Unit: 5
In much the same way that Virion made archers tolerable, Gaius forced me to care about the silly little thief class, because, well... he's a burglar who loves sugar. What is there not to adore about that? Gaius is perhaps the one character I most want to pair up with other units, simply to hear their support conversations and see what kind of mischief he's gotten up to this time. There isn't a thing I don't like about his character, from his often quick, one word responses to his character design, complete with teddy bear lollipop.

In the end, he became my preferred lock picker, and unfortunately for him, my favourite character to watch die, as he groans out his final word: "Sugar". Classic.

#3: Sumia
Team member!
Battles: 392 Victories: 265
Character: 9
Unit: 9
So I've mentioned how much I dislike archers and thieves, yeah? By comparison to pegasus knights, I almost favoured them. Before this game, I hated pegasus knights. As enticing as their wide movement and resistance to magic may be, their weakness to bows and general fragility makes them infuriating. The amount of times in Sacred Stones I had to restart because some stupid pegasus bitch got herself killed was astounding.

Then, Sumia appeared. And she fell over. And I treasured her for it. Pegasus knights are perhaps the greatest beneficiary of the new pair up system (other than slow moving units like generals), because whereas the old rescue method meant that they could only be carried by heavier units, which were few, and typically too slow to get close enough to them, the pairing system means I can finally abuse the long flight paths of the pegasus, and then pull a switcheroo and bring out a more burly unit. Couple this with the new dark flier class shooting bolts of lightning at their side, and finally, pegasi had a bright future.

So much did I enjoy Sumia, I chose for Raymund to marry her. And that's how this little wonder was born...

#2: Cynthia
Team member!
Battles: 25 Victories: 19
Character: 10
Unit: 6
To say that Cynthia, based on personality alone, is my favourite character is an understatement. She's so incredibly adorable, and I have loved all of her support conversations with her father, which start off as cute and silly, and then grow to be heartfelt, even tragic. She had to be on my team. Just had to. I don't know in what capacity, and frankly, I don't care. Just rest assured, this goofy little princess will always stay close to my heart.

...I didn't mean for this to sound as creepy as it did. This is what happens when you play a game so frequently and intensely in such a short span of time. I'll have to remind myself that Cynthia is not in actual fact my daughter, and that I'd better be sure I love my real daughter as much when she's born. ...She better be as much fun as Cynthia though, dammit.

#1: Avatar/My Unit/Raymund Albert Spivy
Team member!
Battles: 1024 Victories: 677
Character: 8
Unit: 10
I know. It's boring for me to declare the Avatar as my favourite unit, because it's the main character and the most obvious choice. But when you consider that Raymund has become the single greatest unit I have ever constructed in a Fire Emblem (out of the vast range of two games), you understand why he's head honcho. Look no further than the fact that he has won more battles than any other unit has even fought in; he's not just an integral member of the team, he is the damn team.

Never was this more apparent than in the various SpotPass skirmishes, pitted against a team of max levelled opponents. Knowing that any other unit wouldn't be able to square off against these mighty foes, I sent Raymund in with only a few elixirs, and a terrified ally to follow his lead from the safety of the secondary spot. With a potent skillset of Ignis, pass, counter, lethality and renewal, he was deadly offensively, practically untouchable defensively, and alarmingly maxed out at every stat overall. The legendary enemies came one after another, and they all fell. The lionhearted mercenary Ike. The dreaded wyvern lord Ashnard. The treacherous necromancer Lyon. A fat knight named Brom. All would break under the might of Raymund.

In the end, his unbalanced chaos would make the endgame fairly easy, when it became less a question of 'how am I going to defeat this foe?', and more of a 'sit back and watch Raymund devour people' kind of deal, but it never made the game less fun. Quite the contrary, I lived vicariously through him, and I very much enjoyed the allure of being a godlike warrior who shot flames out of books.

Thank you, Raymund, for making me feel special, if only for 60 hours of my life.

True Blue Blue Jays

We're only a month into the 2013 edition of MLB, and already, alarm bells are ringing across Toronto. Those silly old Blue Jays, for all of their bluster and fanfare, have stumbled out of the gates with all of the grace of a blinded Sasquatch, starting the year at 10-17, pending the results of today's Boston match.

Mediocre starts are nothing new for the Jays, who have been banished from the playoffs for twenty years like Simba from the Pride Lands, but what is new is that we didn't see it coming this season, truly we didn't.

Their offseason will go down in Jays history, at this rate, in infamy. The Marlins trade. The acquisition of Melky Cabrera. The R. A. Dickey deal, a transaction that was supposed to make the best team in baseball even better. Then, strangely, they lost. The first to lose their minds, the bandwagoners who had not spared the Jays a thought since Saved by the Bell was cool, were swiftly dismissed by the level-headed Jays faithful. Of course they're starting slow, we assured the masses, they've just been assembled. Remember how the Miami Heat had some growing pains in year 1?

Then, something strange happened: nothing changed. The Jays kept losing, sometimes by a lot, now against division rivals. Losing one game sucks. But losing a game while simultaneously donating a W to the enemy's record? Infuriating.

Jose Reyes, who had been the bright spot upon the Jays' ugly start, was stricken down by Baselor, the monster demigod of baseball, who snapped his ankle upon his neon claws. Apologies to the Simpsons for that vague, tattered reference.

Dickey has been solid, but not spectacular. Josh Johnson is heading to the DL. Mark Buehrle has pitched about as well as I would, at a much higher price. The Jays' bats have been about as threatening as a bowl of soup.

It's truly disheartening to have the misplaced affection of Jays' fans smacked around so brutally. Hell, I was convinced they would succeed last year, simply for the superficial reason that they had a nice new logo, and so far, that team has been much better than this year's, with the added benefit of fewer drunken fans mouthing off.

This is not the end of the Jays season. Of course it isn't, it's only May! But it could be a major factor down the road, when suddenly the Jays are winning, but the deficit is far too great to make up for. Just ask this year's Toronto Raptors, who dug a 4-12 hole they never surfaced from.

So indeed, you may dismiss this pathetic start as a mere scratch. But look deeper, and you may find that it was a scratch from the king of cats, and far more lethal than it first appeared...

The next step

After generations of prejudice, a number of unwilling outings and a combined 400 years worth of history, there is finally an openly gay active male player in one of America's major pro leagues.

Jason Collins courageously made the announcement via Sports Illustrated, saying 'I didn't set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. But since I am, I'm happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn't the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, "I'm different." If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I'm raising my hand'.

There is perhaps no better time for this revolution to occur. More and more countries, and parts of the US, are legalising gay marriage. Pride, openness and acceptance are arguably at an all time high, and the perception of homosexuality has gone from an illness to simply a part of who some of us are. Our world is changing; sometimes in a bad way, like when Pluto stopped being a planet. This, quite obviously, is good.

Collins will now draw the ire, and this will be a difficult time. On the very tweet where he thanks people for their support, there are countless replies of homophobic slurs, accusations of sacrilege, and general ignorance and hatred. Those replies each hold several retweets of their own.

There is also the outpouring of support from innumerable sources, from Shaquille O'Neal and other athletes, to the gay and lesbian community themselves. The significance of this event is huge, like someone breaking through a wall. It still will not be easy for others to follow, but it will be a hell of a lot easier.

But this time of celebration is not ideal, as gratifying as it is to be able to drown out the negativity. The best will come, when the announcements receive a response of respectful apathy.

I look no further than Brittney Griner, the first overall draft pick of the WNBA, and the biggest star of women's college basketball. She herself came out about a month ago, though you'd be excused for not knowing it. The announcement was met with a proverbial shrug. Some members of the media and fans voiced their support, as well they should, while others inevitably expressed their disapproval. But it was muted, and that's the important thing.

Perhaps it's rooted in the preconception that most female athletes are gay to begin with, and it wasn't a surprise. Regardless, it will hardly affect the majority's perception of Griner. She will be the same as a gay pro, as she was as a potentially straight college player: simply a dominant force on the basketball court.

Collins will not be afforded the same luxury. He will play basketball next season in exactly the same fashion as he has for 12 years. But he will do so as both a beacon for gays, as well as a veritable witch to all who oppose his lifestyle. He will be victim to disgusting jeers from drunken fans, and he will be isolated by some teammates and opponents, because as Mike Wallace proved, some athletes just don't understand.

When Jackie Robinson broke the colour barrier in 1947, he was victim to such contempt from so many people, a weaker man may not have survived. Initially, a vociferous percentage of the Dodgers faithful, the fans who were supposed to cheer him on, would chastise him. Simply for his skin colour, something he has no control over, in exactly the same way that homosexuality is not a choice. It's who you are, and it should not matter.

The obvious difference, of course, is that Jackie Robinson was always black. He didn't go through the confusion and self-realisation that gays face as they come to terms with their identity. And yes, there is still need for support from friends and families when someone, athlete or otherwise, is coming out. And they have every right to be proud of who they are, not simply because they are gay, but because of the rich tapestry that makes them the individual they are.

So for now, we as educated, accepting people will celebrate the bravery of Jason Collins, who has helped future generations in ways we can't yet imagine. And make no mistake, for him to be the first, is something to be celebrated.

But the real victory will come when a player saying he is gay is met with the same response as he would get if he said he was straight: "Good for you, but more importantly, how's your three point shooting?"

Tony's Titans 2012/13 Edition

Looking over my infrequently updated blog, it's hard to believe it's really been a year since I last did one of these. Looking back on the Titans season however, it's hard to believe how long it dragged on for. It's been a long time since I've felt this sour about my Titans, and it's for a few reasons. I've grown more interested in my favourite teams of other sports (Blue Jays, Raptors, Canucks et al), teams I feel more connected with due to petty geographical reasons, and frankly, 11 years since I first started following this goofy little franchise, they don't seem any closer to success than they did all those years ago. In actuality of course, they're further, because this year they were franchise-record-dreadful, and moreover, they lack the high character guys of old. No McNairs, Georges or Wychecks, though guys like Alterraun Verner and Matt Hasselbeck are pleasant exceptions to the rule.

I'll always be a Titans fan, even if they have to make room in my heart for a Canadian NFL team someday. As always, there are ups, and there are downs, and this was clearly a down year. With so many holes to fill, it's hard to foresee the next period of success (as fleeting as those seem to be), but hey, we've been here before, and as bad as 6-10 is, I've also suffered through 5-11 and 4-12, the former of which came at a time when the Titans were supposed to be division frontrunners.

But enough about all that. I've added some new bells and whistles this year for funsies: the number next to a player's tenure marks how many seasons they've been a Tony's Titan for.

Quarterback
#3 Vince Young (2006-2010) (3)

#2 Matt Hasselbeck (2011-present) (2) ~ More than Kerry Collins, Billy Volek, or anyone else, Matt Hasselbeck is my favourite backup quarterback. He is a true teammate, a consummate professional, and I'm so proud to have him on this team. It's rare that one of my favourite players happens to come to my favourite team, but when it does, it's so damned cool. Hass doesn't come close to the excitement I felt for Vince Young, but as far as overall fandom goes, Matty is a solid #2 behind the untouchable Steve McNair.

#1 Steve McNair (1995-2005) (3)

Running Back
#3 Chris Johnson (2008-present) (3)

#2 Chris Brown (2003-2007) (3) ~ I know, it's weird, right? Frankly, I just happen to like Chris Brown a lot more as a person. CJ2K is the only Titan I don't follow on Twitter due to his cruel use of the English language, and sometimes he just rubs me the wrong way. He's an excellent player, no doubt, but his antics and personality, which I used to enjoy at times, are grinding on me these days.

#1 Eddie George (1996-2003) (3)

Fullback
#1 Ahmard Hall (2006-2011) (3)

Wide Receiver
#5 Kendall Wright
2012-present (1)

All-Time Career
64 receptions for 626 yards, 4 TDs, 9.8 Avg
1 rush for 4 yards, 4.0 Avg

I admit, a great deal of this is based on hope. Kendall Wright showed a lot of promise in a year that was generally devoid of it. Hopefully he and Jake Locker will develop into a formidable tandem, alongside whoever else happens to be manning the turnstile of mediocrity that have been Titans wideouts (remember when we signed Eric Moulds as a solution? That was an obscure moment).

More importantly, however, the kid isn't a freaking head case. I am so over Kenny Britt, a man-child whose once beastly presence on the field almost made up for his many, many, many off-field altercations and misgivings. I know: Kenny's not a bad guy, he doesn't say the wrong things and he doesn't have the wrong attitude. But he just doesn't learn from his mistakes, and he cannot stay out of trouble. Couple that with his disappointing season, and I just can't hack him anymore.

Noticing a trend in how the faces of this franchise are starting to lose favour with me? This could really be another indicator as to why my interest has been waning...

#4 Tyrone Calico (2003-2005) (2)

#3 Nate Washington (2009-present) (2) ~ Oh Nate. With all the drama and chaos that surrounds this franchise, he just quietly comes to work and does his job. He, like Britt, and frankly like the entire receiving corps, had a down year, but he was banged up throughout the year. Can't hate on him for that.

#2 Derrick Mason (1997-2004) (3)

#1 Drew Bennett (2001-2006) (3) ~ Here's a late reshuffling which might strike you as odd, but once again, it's about the person. I won't repeat myself too much about Drew's inspiring story, going from an undrafted QB to starting wide receiver, but I just love the guy. By the end of Derrick Mason's career, he was arguably more Raven than Titan, though I will always appreciate what he did for us. To be clear, Bennett's my favourite Titans receiver, but D-Mase was easily the best.

Tight End
#2 Jared Cook
(2009-present) (1)

All-Time Career
131 receptions for 1,717 yards, 8 TDs, 13.1 Avg

After years of umming and ahhing, Jared Cook is starting to develop into the prototypical tight end of today's league, and has put together two strong seasons of play. He was probably the highlight of the Titans receivers this year, despite being banged up, and fingers are crossed that next season he'll put it all together to compete with the league's best.

Basically, Cookie is finally becoming exactly what I had really hoped Ben Troupe would be. Loved Ben Troupe, but unfortunately, the kid wasn't that bright. Cook is clearly a much smarter individual: he follows me on Twitter, a definite sign of intelligence!

#1 Erron Kinney (2000-2006) (3)

Tackle
#4 Daniel Loper (2005-2008) (3)
#3 David Stewart (2005-present) (3)
#2 Michael Roos (2005-present) (3)
#1 Brad Hopkins (1993-2005) (3)

Guard
#4 Steve Hutchinson
(2012-present) (1)

Titans Career
12 games, 12 starts

All-Time Career
169 games, 169 starts

I know. I'm terribly unfair. Nobody whose only season was as a member of the dreadful 2012 offensive line deserves to join the ranks of Tony's Titans, but in my defence, the man who he's leapfrogging, Eugene Amano, was briefly also on that line, until injury put him on the shelf.

I just dig the concept of having a new Kevin Mawae on the line, the grizzled, intelligent veteran (is it just me or are interior linemen smarter than the tackles?) who can help mould the young bucks. Unfortunately, Hutch's on-field play didn't hold a candle to what Mawae offered at his best, but you take what you can get. Maybe next year will see an improvement. It would help if he, like everyone else and their dog in Tennessee, didn't get injured.

#3 Jacob Bell (2004-2007) (3)
#2 Jake Scott (2008-2011) (3)
#1 Benji Olson (1998-2007) (3)

Center
#2 Kevin Matthews (2010-present) (3)
#1 Kevin Mawae (2006-2009) (3)

Defensive End
#4 Jason Babin (2010) (3)
#3 Travis LaBoy (2004-2007) (3)
#2 Kyle Vanden Bosch (2005-2009) (3)

#1 Jevon Kearse (1999-2003, 2008-2009) (3) ~ As an interesting note, KVB almost topped Jevon this year, but in the end I decided that Jevon's brief run of excellence was better than Vanden Bosch's. I wonder what kind of talent you'd get if you combined KVB's motor with Kearse's athletic ability?

Defensive Tackle
Jurrell Casey
2011-present (1)

All-Time Career
106 combined tackles, 5.5 sacks, 3 forced fumbles, 1 deflection

This guy is definitely someone who could hang around the ranks of Tony's Titans for a long time if he reaches his full potential. Casey is a big, strong clogger up the middle, and he's fearless as all hell, taking on opponents head-on (sometimes even without a helmet).

Whether he can flourish on a defence that is just flat-out bad will be the major challenge.

#2 Albert Haynesworth (2002-2008) (3)

#1 Tony Brown (2006-2010) (3) ~ These rankings are starting to look pretty different with some of the older guys, and I think it comes from the power of retrospect: as time passes and their tenure grows further away, I tend to appreciate the good guys a lot more. After bouncing around several practice squads, Tony Brown became arguably the league's most underrated DT for a couple of seasons. Good on him.

Outside Linebacker
#4 Will Witherspoon (2010-present) (3)
#3 Peter Sirmon (2000-2006) (3)
#2 David Thornton (2006-2010) (3)
#1 Keith Bulluck (2000-2009) (3)

Middle Linebacker
#2 Colin McCarthy (2011-present) (2)
#1 Stephen Tulloch (2006-2010) (3)

Cornerback
#5 Jason McCourty
2009-present (1)

All-Time Career
271 combined tackles, 1.0 sack, 3 forced fumbles, 38 deflections, 8 interceptions (92 yards)

Well, why shouldn't he be here? Like Reynaldo Hill and Cortland Finnegan before him, and Tommie Campbell afterwards, McCourty inexplicably managed to go from 7th round draft pick to contributor to the defence, and though nobody else in the league is paying attention to him, he's rapidly improving.

Through some advanced statistics I've since forgotten and can't be bothered fishing out right now, it's revealed that Jason McCourty is actually one of the league's most efficient corners, and made leaps and bounds in several areas from last season. Is he flashy? No, not at all. Or perhaps I should phrase that, 'not yet'. I'm looking forward to seeing what he manages to do when he hits his peak.

#4 Andre Dyson (2001-2004) (3)

#3 Alterraun Verner (2010-present) (3) ~ Verner continues to be an inspirational player, and makes up an excellent young tandem with McCourty.

#2 Cortland Finnegan (2006-2011) (3)
#1 Samari Rolle (1998-2004) (3)

Free Safety
#2 Lamont Thompson (2003-2006) (3)

#1 Vincent Fuller
2005-2010 (1)

All-Time Career
162 combined tackles, 2.0 sacks, 2 forced fumbles, 16 deflections, 6 interceptions (208 yards, 4 TDs)

Poor old Vincent! After all these years, and much frustration with Michael Griffin, I finally come crawling back to appoint him the new champion at free safety, only to discover he's now out of the league. I thought he was still a Detroit Lion, but nope, only played one game with them, didn't land on anyone's roster this season. I feel somehow at fault.

Anyhow, a great deal of this crowning is due to how wildly inconsistent and oftentimes clueless Griffin appears to be lately: we simply cannot trust him. But Vinnie? He was dependable. He could hold down the fort, and until Verner abducted the role of slot defender, he was a crucial if not unappreciated member of our defence. After the futility that was last season's defence, I wonder why they don't just bring him back?

Strong Safety
#2 Jordan Babineaux
2011-present (1)

Titans Career
189 combined tackles, 1 forced fumble, 13 deflections, 2 interceptions (107 yards, 1 TD)

All-Time Career
600 combined tackles, 4.0 sacks, 8 forced fumbles, 41 deflections, 12 interceptions (273 yards, 2 TDs)

Surprise surprise surprise! Yep, I sure love them veteran guys, and when the previous guy never even saw the field (I'm sorry Myron), it wasn't exactly a hard choice to appoint 'Big Play Babs' as a new Tony's Titan.

Hopefully he'll be able to see some success with this team despite getting long in the tooth, maybe in the same way Chris Hope had, before he lost a step. Of course, if he can manage to score some 97 yard touchdowns like he did in '11, then that wouldn't go astray, either.

#1 Chris Hope (2006-2011) (3)

Kicker
#1 Rob Bironas (2005-present) (3)

Punter
#1 Craig Hentrich (1998-2009) (3)

Head Coach
#1 Jeff Fisher
1994-2010 (1)

Titans Career
143 wins, 120 losses, .542 winning %

All-Time Career
150 wins, 128 losses, 1 tie, .539 winning %

For a role I hadn't even considered including until now, the recipient of the award had no competition. Not literally, of course, because Mike Munchak is the current coach, and a guy I really like and respect. But Jeff Fisher took this franchise to places it had never been before, and held the head coaching gig for an incredible seventeen seasons, so Munch's two years and zero playoff appearances aren't even comparable at this point.

Through my beloved Titans years, Fisher was there, getting the best from his players, knowing the rulebook front to back, and making some truly memorable moments. Unlike many other Titans fans, my opinion on him didn't sour in the end, and I actually wanted to give him one last year, free of the distractions of Vince Young and the like, to make things work in Tennessee. It wasn't to be, and I guess it was for the best, because I don't know how much more Fish would have been able to get out of the 2011 squad, and it's better to narrowly miss the playoffs with a new coach than an old one, right?

...Actually, I have to admit, I look at some of the other teams with new coaches in the league, and all the success they're having, and I'm pretty jealous.

Favourite Game
Steelers 14, Titans 31
December 21, 2008 (1)

This is a fun little inclusion: out of the all-time players, which of them were involved in my favourite game?

It might be a bit unfairly stacked against the early days, because of course I watched less NFL back then, didn't watch the highlights on NFL.com, and was still learning the game as I went, so even though my favourite seasons were the ones with the classic Titans players, picking a highlight game from that era is frankly quite tricky.

This game happened during what was also one of my favourite seasons: in a dominating 13-3 campaign that opened with a 10-game winning streak, the Titans locked horns with their hated old rivals for AFC supremacy. The winner would claim the #1 seed in the playoffs, and Pittsburgh looked to be the strongest opponent we would face that year.

And we beat them. We didn't just beat them, we dominated them, wire to wire, smacked them in the mouth, and stomped on their stupid towel for good measure. Tragically, the Steelers would have the last laugh, claiming victory in Super Bowl XLIII, but for that one day, at least, we were kings.

In case you were curious, the other contenders for this title were December 10th '06 (Titans 26, Texans 20 - Vince Young's return to Houston, where he beats them with a 39-yard touchdown run in OT), November 29th '09 (Cardinals 17, Titans 20 - Vince converts three fourth downs on a 99 yard drive in the final 2:37, delivering the game winner to Kenny Britt as the clock expires), October 11th '04 (Titans 48, Packers 27 - Steve McNair and Chris Brown dismantle the Packers in Lambeau on Monday Night Football) and November 27th '08 (Titans 47, Lions 10 - the Titans crush the winless Lions on Thanksgiving).

Tony's Year
2006 (26 Tony's Titans) (1)

Wow, that is actually a legitimate surprise to me. After all of my spouting about how I love the 'good old days' and the 'good old players', an overwhelming 26 of Tony's Titans played on the 2006 squad, the year that I consider being the beginning of the 'new era' of the Titans.

I guess I shouldn't be too terribly surprised, considering a lot of my favourites (Bulluck, Hentrich, etc.) hung around for a while, and as I've said a few times, I wasn't paying as much attention in those early days. Otherwise, Frank Wycheck probably would have surpassed Erron Kinney.

2006 was actually a pretty exciting year to be a Titans fan. After a lousy 4-12 campaign, Vince Young breathed new life into the shrivelled franchise, and the Titans finished 8-8, just one win against the Patriots away from a playoff berth. Not too shabby!

I love purple dinosaurs

Don't you?

Alright, I confess: this entry has nothing to do with the children's character who has haunted our screen for more than twenty years. It's about a certain hapless basketball team that have stumbled on the courts for about seventeen years: the Toronto Raptors.

Primarily, I'm just left asking the question... what happened to the purple?

Before you jump on me with the ravenous fervor of the team's namesake, I will already state that, yes, I'm aware that the mascot is, and always has been, red. However, for the first eleven seasons, the Raptors' jerseys were a rather regal shade of violet.

Over the years, the design went through a few modifications, first losing the vertical pinstripes and the obtuse logo on the front of the jersey, and then, in 2006, the team switched gears entirely. The new jerseys were red and black, and the purple was gone.

I'm not necessarily against the new(ish) jerseys. On the contrary, I think they look pretty sharp. I'm just not clear as to why they made the change, especially considering that fans seemed to really dig the purple and red combo (most Raptors hats people wear are still the ones that have purple on them).

It couldn't be due to a conception that purple is a 'wussy' colour. The Lakers have certainly debunked that notion. Could it have something to do with the defection of the Vancouver Grizzlies? Once they split for Memphis, the Raptors effectively went from just being 'Toronto's team', to what could be considered 'Canada's team'.

Could the shift to a focus on red be an attempt to capitalise on the national colours? Possibly. It's all pointless speculation at the moment, though.

Will we ever see the purple make a return as an alternate jersey? Hopefully. Especially instead of those hideous camo jerseys that have been making the rounds. One of the things about the purple jerseys is that they represent a time of success and excitement for this franchise. The Vince Carter years. The first round upset of the Knicks. That kind of thing.

It's a bit like the Blue Jays' brief rebranding of 2004-2011. After trying a few other poorly received new logos, they settled on a black motif and a slick-looking Blue Jay emblem. The jerseys were pretty good, I reckon, but the best years of the Jays were in the early 90s, and people wanted that style back. This year's new garb is a true throwback to the classic design, and fans are eating it up.

...And for the record, I actually was a fan of Barney as a kid. He had a lesson for everyone.