Tony's Titans: Tight Ends

Titan Tight End. It's fun to say, and I never realised until just now. Anyhow, my Titans from 2002 to today moves onward with my two tight ends of choice. Allow me to clarify before you grab the pitchforks: I didn't see enough Frank Wycheck to automatically qualify him here. So try not to judge any more than you would about the inauspicious inclusion of Roydell Williams.

#2 Alge Crumpler
2008-2009

Titans Career
51 receptions for 479 yards, 2 TDs, 9.4 Avg
3 returns for 20 yards, 15 long, 6.7 Avg

All-Time Career
373 receptions for 4,743 yards, 39 TDs, 12.7 Avg
12 returns for 79 yards, 15 long, 6.6 Avg

In the same vein of Randy Moss, Crumpler never lived up to his expectations in Tennessee. He was my favourite tight end during his tenure with the Falcons; Michael Vick's most dependable target, and the beneficiary of all of the attention to Atlanta's vaunted 'DVD' running game. In his final season with the Falcons, Crumpler was just one of many failures in a 4-12 campaign. He was injured, and in some people's minds, he was done.

To me, however, I saw an opportunity. I pointed to their final game against the Seahawks as evidence that Crump still had some gas left in the tank; 67 yards and 2 TDs on only 3 catches, he was freaky-deaky!

In the offseason, Crump looked to either head to Seattle or Tennessee, and when he decided to head down south, I was pumped. My choice for tight end was bound for the Titans!

Then, he arrived and he was, frankly, huge. That was one of the most prominent things you'd notice about Alge as a Titan. The dude was massive, and not necessarily in a good way. He looked real heavy, and he ran real heavy too.

In just one offseason, it seemed as though Alge had gone from a dual threat TE to strictly a blocker. To his credit however, he was pretty damn good as a blocker. Chris Johnson credits his 2,000+ yard season to his offensive line, of which he includes Crumpler.

So we had a sixth offensive lineman. Alright, that's cool. What wasn't cool however, was watching Crump coughing up the ball on the one-yard line in that fateful 2008 divisional loss. Unfortunately for me, that remains the most prominent memory of Alge's short tenure. And dammitall, it makes me mad.

#1 Erron Kinney
2000-2006

All-Time Career
178 receptions for 1,750 yards, 10 TDs, 9.8 Avg
8 returns for 113 yards, 25 long, 14.1 Avg

Pretty straightforward stuff; if you hadn't concluded that I was a homer for the top of the decade Titans, you'll know it now. Kinney was nothing spectacular; he wasn't going to snag a pass and scamper across the field for a long TD (his career long of 31 surprises me, and I assume most of those yards were gained through the air by McNair), but he was a safe, reliable target.

Plus, he's a cool dude. He was a volunteer fire fighter during his career, and now that he's retired, he's a captain with a fire department in South Carolina. It's not like he needs to do that. I guess he just likes helping people and saving lives. And what more can you ask for from your players? He's a model example of how you should conduct yourself (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, KENNY BRITT).

Tony's Titans: Wide Receivers

Sitting here realising I've got nothing better to do, may as well churn along with my all-time Titans. I mean, they're hardly all-time, just nine years' worth, but all-time sounds much cooler.

#5 Randy Moss
2010-present

Titans Career
6 receptions for 80 yards, 13.3 Avg

All-Time Career
954 receptions for 14,858 yards, 153 TDs, 15.6 Avg
25 rushes for 159 yards, 6.4 Avg

Okay, cry foul on this one if you must. Randy Moss was more of a disappointment in Tennessee than I could have possibly fathomed, but I still think it's oh so cool that one of the game's best wide receivers ended up a Titan.

He's a free agent, I know, and he's most likely not coming back, but until he signs elsewhere (which, granted, he can't, given the labour situation), he'll maintain that status as a current player.

Who's to blame for Moss' disastrous tenure? It's either Moss himself for a lack of effort, or Jeff Fisher for an inability to get him onto the field. I lean towards the latter; if you can't find a way to get one of the league's greatest receivers into the game, there is seriously something wrong there.

History can never be changed. But for a short, uneventful period, Randy Moss was a Tennessee Titan. I can pretend it was a whole lot better than it was.

#4 Roydell Williams
2005-2007

Titans Career
84 receptions for 1,139 yards, 6 TDs, 13.6 Avg
2 rushes for -17 yards, -8.5 Avg

All-Time Career
92 receptions for 1,248 yards, 6 TDs, 13.6 Avg
2 rushes for -17 yards, -8.5 Avg

If you weren't boggled by that last one, you probably are now. In my defence, it's not my fault the Titans have had such a poor receiving corps over the last nine years. I'm certainly not the one who drafted them.

Of the 2005 wide receiver draft class, Courtney Roby did nothing for the Titans (though had the last laugh, winning a Super Bowl as a return man for the Saints) and Brandon Jones was the most productive... But Roydell? Man, he was my boy.

I was about to whip out some awesome figures from the end of the '07 season, where I was convinced that Roy had done some damage, but the numbers are actually pretty poor. There was a good game in Kansas City, but that's about it. Hmm.

I backed myself into a corner with this one, didn't I? I knew I should have just stuck with Lavelle Hawkins, the man with the coolest name in Tennessee.

#3 Kenny Britt
2009-present

All-Time Career
84 receptions for 1,476 yards, 12 TDs, 17.6 Avg
24 returns for 523 yards, 56 long, 21.8 Avg

Thankfully, mercifully, Kenny Britt makes an appearance to make this list feel less futile. With just 28 games and 13 starts under his belt, Britt has already become the Titans' best receiver by far, and our biggest threat since Derrick Mason headed to Baltimore back in 2004.

The fact that a guy in only his second year with limited playing time, with some off-season issues, who is even younger than I am, could be the Titans' go-to guy might be a sad reflection on the state of our receivers, but in all fairness, the guy is good. Really good.

He might even be one of the league's best at some point, just as long as we find someone who can consistently get the ball to him. I hope to high hell that that someone won't turn out to be Ryan Mallett. Could you picture it? 'Mallett to Britt'? It sounds like a domestic abuse case. I hate it already.

#2 Drew Bennett
2001-2006

Titans Career
273 receptions for 4,033 yards, 25 TDs, 14.8 Avg
2-3 for 40 yards, 1 TD, 149.3 rating

All-Time Career
307 receptions for 4,412 yards, 28 TDs, 14.4 Avg
2-3 for 40 yards, 1 TD, 149.3 rating

Oh Drew. He was THE MAN.

I loved the one-two punch of Mason and Bennett. Perhaps it's a starry-eyed adoration for the Titans of old, but Bennett will solidly, stubbornly hold onto #2 on my list for quite some time. I mean, Britt could potentially threaten with a monster season (as could my boy Lavelle!), but Bennett was there during our glory years, doing his bit.

And of course, who can forget 2004? During a horrible year followed by a horrible off-season, Billy Volek and Drew Bennett appeared to be the only two guys who still cared. Bennett's 80 catches, 1,247 yards and 11 TDs were the kind of numbers you'd expect form the league's very best, plus tying an NFL record with 8 TDs in 3 games.

Afterwards, Bennett never seemed to recapture that glory, having risen to the top spot. Whether he was ill-suited to the #1 receiver spot, or he suffered from the unfortunate fate of playing across from a trio of rookies, making him targeted by defences, it wasn't the same.

He played two years for the Rams, shortened by injury, and then signed with the Ravens before deciding to pack it all in.

But Bennett's rise could be called grand considering where he started. Undrafted out of UCLA, Bennett actually had to cheat a little to get noticed. He would cut in line during drills as a rookie, so that he would go up against the top defenders on the depth chart instead of the scrubs at the bottom. I mean, jeez, how inspiring is that? That he put it all on the line by bending the rules, just to make a roster spot, and it led to a pinnacle of tying an NFL record?

Great stuff. No wonder he's my second favourite Titans receiver.

#1 Derrick Mason
1997-2004

Titans Career
453 receptions for 6,114 yards, 37 TDs, 13.5 Avg
338 returns for 5,086 yards, 3 TDs, 101 long, 15.0 Avg

All-Time Career
924 receptions for 11,891 yards, 66 TDs, 12.9 Avg
338 returns for 5,086 yards, 3 TDs, 101 long, 15.0 Avg

Obviously. D-Mase was another guy who rose up the ranks, a fourth round return specialist who ended up surpassing first-rounder Kevin Dyson to become the Titans' best receiver.

This one is a lot harder to swallow than others, because while some others on the list (McNair, George, Bennett, etc.) had seen their best years with the Titans before their careers came to an end elsewhere, Mason has been a Raven for six seasons, and shows few signs of slowing down.

All the things that made Mason a good return guy (quickness, elusiveness, field vision) have made him an excellent receiver, and moreover, have allowed him to have a prolonged career.

When he and Samari Rolle jumped ship to the Ravens, I was in dismay. And frankly, that dismay has not at all dissipated in relation to Mason, because he's been gone for so long, so entrenched in Baltimore, and had so many episodes while playing Tennessee that he's really not a Titan anymore.

But he was. I still wish him all the best while simultaneously wishing bad fortune upon the Ravens. Would I like to see him win a championship? Sure, just as long as it isn't with the Ravens, Colts, Jaguars, Texans or Steelers. That's plenty of options, D-Mase. It's an excellent deal!

Tony's Titans: Running Backs

No better time than the present to press on with my favourite Titans since becoming a fan (2002); this batch be the backs of runnin'. First, the halfbacks.

#3 Chris Brown
2003-2007

Titans Career
643 rushes for 2,757 yards, 16 TDs, 13 fumbles, 4.3 Avg
74 receptions for 667 yards, 2 TDs, 9.0 Avg

All-Time Career
722 rushes for 3,024 yards, 19 TDs, 14 fumbles, 4.2 Avg
90 receptions for 741 yards, 2 TDs, 8.2 Avg

I had originally convinced myself that Travis Henry would occupy this spot. In 2006, alongside Vince Young he rejuvenated the Titans and helped us to an awesome unexpected playoff push. However, he only had one good Titans season, and after seven years, he's out of the league and been sentenced to three years in federal prison for financing cocaine trafficking. What a miserable end to great potential.

In Chris Brown's case, his rap sheet is squeaky clean, and he too gets my accolades for one good season.

When Eddie George left for Dallas in 2004, Titans fans couldn't help but feel bereft. Out went the franchise's workhorse, and his thousands of carries. Enter Chris Brown: an unheralded third round back who had missed part of his rookie season with an injury, who gave the Titans a solid running threat.

I know, it's funny to look back and think that Chris Brown was a running threat. He was so banged up over the years he garnered the unfortunate moniker of 'Crystal Chris', but what he did in 2004 was undeniable: over 1,000 yards in only 11 games. He averaged just a hair under 5 yards a carry, and I was convinced that we had met one of the new faces of the franchise.

I was so convinced, I traded Eddie George away in Madden '05 (for Julius Jones: seeemed like a good deal at the time), and prepared for some Brown pounding. For the record, Chris Brown was the single greatest Madden player I've ever had. Probably because I played more Madden that season than any other year, but it's worth special mention.

Also, if you're wondering where LenDale White sits on my nine-year Titans backs list, he would be behind Jarrett Payton and Antowain Smith in seventh place. Too much of a sense of entitlement, too little production to have gotten my love. All those touchdowns were nice, but many of them could have been pounded in by anyone, really.

#2 Chris Johnson
2008-present

All-Time Career
925 rushes for 4,598 yards, 34 TDs, 7 fumbles, 5.0 Avg
137 receptions for 1,008 yards, 4 TDs, 7.4 Avg

Were you one of the ones who groaned when the Titans drafted Chris Johnson with the 24th pick in 2008? I certainly was.

LenDale White was a second round pick in '06, and Chris Henry was another second rounder (a decision we may never forget) in '07; the Titans looked like the Lions and all those first round wide receiver mistakes. What could Johnson have possibly provided that we didn't already have, and that 23 other teams apparently found expendable?

Yeah, those questions seemed valid at the time, but downright stupid now. By his second year, CJ2K had claimed the franchise's highest single season ground total (2,006) and broken Marshall Faulk's record for all-purpose yards.

...And to think, I thought LenDale was the feature back of the future?

Johnson's career is certainly on a distinguished path; he had his worst year last season, and still averaged 4.3 yards and collected 11 TDs. He's now one of the NFL's all-stars, and teams specifically have to game plan against him.

My only hang-up lies in his attitude. It's not his in-your-face cockiness or tendency to showboat; I'm fine with those. It's this unshakable feeling of... how committed is he to this team? I can see him jumping ship for more prosperous ground sooner rather than later.

I feel as though we have to just get the amazing mileage out of him that we can while it lasts. I hope he proves me wrong, though. After all, it wouldn't be the first time.

#1 Eddie George
1996-2003

Titans Career
2,733 rushes for 10,009 yards, 64 TDs, 34 fumbles, 3.7 Avg
259 receptions for 2,144 yards, 10 TDs, 8.3 Avg

All-Time Career
2,865 rushes for 10,441 yards, 68 TDs, 37 fumbles, 3.6 Avg
268 receptions for 2,227 yards, 10 TDs, 8.3 Avg

Inspirational. That's how I'll describe Eddie George's tenure with the Titans. Not because of overcome adversity or outright freaky talent. But because of the kind of man he was and the kind of effort he put out there.

When I think of McNair highlights, I feel euphoric. Eddie George highlights however, they get me fired up, even after all these years. George punished defenders, just absolutely nailed them, and if someone felt froggy before the game, all it took was a few bruising runs by George to change their tune.

Not only was it hard to tackle George to the ground, but frankly, after he had plowed through you a few times, you really wouldn't want to. Broken tackles, broken arms, broken spirits, he did them all. And for all the damage he did to opposing psyches, he was just as effective in rallying his own team.

He was the perfect complement to McNair; while the QB was quiet and stoic, George knew how to get his team pumped. The fact that they both threw their bodies on the line and played their hearts out made you just as likely to follow either of their leads, but like I said, thinking of Eddie George runs, it still makes me pumped up, despite never having been there, never having met him, or never having played a damned down in the NFL.

Frankly, I wish he was still on the roster. If Tiki Barber can mount a comeback, then Eddie certainly can too. I don't care what the capacity is; short yardage, pass protection, redzone offence, just get Eddie in the game, on the field, and over opponents. Apparently he's still in magnificent shape, and who wouldn't want to watch him slam Ray Lewis into the turf, then get all up in his face (and do it all with a separated shoulder) just one more time?

Fingers crossed that Eddie sees all of the other old Oilers joining Tennessee's staff and at least makes the jump to coaching. Eddie on the sideline with Bruce Matthews, running onto the field after a Super Bowl win? Oh good lord, it excites me even more than thinking of any of our players celebrating.

On a final note, Eddie's wife is Tamara Johnson-George, formerly of SWV. I loves me some SWV; Weak is the third-most played song on my iPod, listened to 136 times (and counting!)

And as for my favourite Titans fullback? That one's easy.

#1 Ahmard Hall
2006-present

All-Time Career
18 rushes for 56 yards, 4 fumbles, 3.1 Avg
64 receptions for 515 yards, 2 TDs, 8.0 Avg

Many Titans fans would give the nod to Lorenzo Neal, who helped Eddie George (among others) to some of his best statistical seasons, plus playing a part in the Music City Miracle, but of course, his tenure was just before my time, and considering that the major role of a fullback is to open lanes for the running back, you can't do much better than Hall in 2009: those 2,006 running yards by CJ2K didn't just come out of nowhere.

Hall is actually one of my favourite players on the current Titans' roster, because he shows one of my favourite qualities: toughness.

A former Marine who runs with reckless abandon, Hall plays hard. In the divisional matchup against the Ravens in 2008, on 3rd and 10, Ahmard Hall grabbed a short pass from Kerry Collins on the one-yard line and took it into Ray Lewis territory. Lewis put down the boom, I mean absolutely laid Hall out, taking him sideways and knocking his helmet off in the process, but Hall hung onto the ball, first down. Then, Hall shoots up, ready for more.

And you know what makes that play even more badass? In order to get the first down, Hall jumped. Even with Ray Lewis barreling down towards him, Hall took to the air to get the necessary yardage. So basically, he set himself up for the punishing hit. Because he's a BAMF.

I guess if you want to make me proud, you have to take on Ray Lewis, ala George or Hall. So go forth, Titans backs! Javon Ringer, go on out there and give him a stiff arm! Stafon Johnson, lower your shoulder and nail him!! LeGarrette Blount, show us... Oh wait. Forget that last one. I still haven't forgiven Tennessee for that slip-up.

Tony's Titans: Quarterbacks

It's a well-advertised fact that I am a massive Tennessee Titans fan. My common username and blog title reflect this, plus my tendency to go on Titans-related tangents. I've been watching football since the end of the 2002 season, so I started later than most. However, this upcoming season (should there be one) marks ten years of football for me.

I've gotten to watch some of the all-time greats wind down their careers (Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith), I've watched some beautiful Super Bowls (XLIV) and some horrible ones (XLI) and I've suffered through all of the heartbreak and tribulations that come with rebuilding.

Over the last nine years, my Titans have gone 77-67, and made the playoffs four times. In those nine short years, every player who made me a Titan fan is gone. Let's think about that for a moment: about all the franchises, and how many players they've retained. Most of them would have at least one holdover for the last nine years, but the Titans? Nope.

The closest is long snapper Ken Amato, acquired in the 2003 season, and then Eugene Amano, from 2004. Clearly if we want longevity we need to sign more Ama*o fellas.

Anyhow, I thought I would reflect on my favourite Titans of the last nine years. Really, it's going to be a fairly predictable list of only two franchise generations worth of players (devoid of a Moon or a Campbell from longtime Oilers enthusiasts), but as time goes on, some of these guys will dip off the list and be forgotten forevermore, so let's pay tribute to them here!

#3 Kerry Collins
2006-present

Titans Career
613-1081 for 6,804 yards, 33 TDs, 29 Ints, 74.6 rating
49 rushes for 62 yards, 1 TD, 14 fumbles, 1.3 Avg

All-Time Career
3439-6163 for 40,441 yards, 206 TDs, 195 Ints, 73.9 rating
372 rushes for 687 yards, 10 TDs, 135 fumbles, 1.8 Avg

If you listen to Titans fans for long enough, you'll notice that there's a lot of Haterade being sprayed in Collins' direction. The reason's obvious: the man has been a prime example of inconsistency throughout his career. He was a first round pick by the Panthers, but put up season QB ratings as low as 55.7. He took the Giants to a Super Bowl, but looked absolutely miserable in that game, throwing four interceptions in a disastrous 34-7 loss.

And how has Collins looked so far for the Titans? Of course: inconsistent. When he's bad, oh you better believe he's real bad. Try 6 picks to 1 TD in his Titans premiere season. So obviously, there's a clear reason for the animosity towards him.

When I was thinking about QB #3 on this list, Billy Volek was the first name that sprang to mind. He threw like a man possessed in 2004, and would have been the guy to usher in the Vince Young era, had Collins not gotten the nod at the last minute.

But Billy Volek's great Titans season was a 5-11 season. Kerry Collins' best Titans season? 13-3 and, until the very end, oh so sweet.

I'll always be thankful to Kerry Collins for 2008, plus occasional key performances when VY couldn't go, and though I like many don't want to see him as a starter anymore, he is a dependable backup who I'd like to see stick around.

#2 Vince Young
2006-present

All-Time Career
689-1190 for 8,098 yards, 42 TDs, 42 Ints, 75.7 rating
264 rushes for 1,380 yards, 12 TDs, 38 fumbles, 5.2 Avg

Though the end of his Titans tenure is all but certain, I was proud to have Vince Young as my quarterback. That 2006 draft was, at a glance, the most amazing one in the world for me.

What was the theory behind the 2006 Rose Bowl? That, had Texas not won, Vince would have gone back for his senior year? I wanted Vince Young to be a Titan so bad. We held the lofty third overall pick, and, had he come out a year later, there was no assurance we would be in a position to take him.

As such, that Rose Bowl was the single most important college football game I've ever had as a fan. To me, it was the VY Bowl. If Texas won, he was as good as ours. And famously, not only did he win, but he did it practically all by himself. 41-38 Longhorns, Vince Young declares himself for the draft.

Come draft time, amidst speculation that Tennessee would opt for USC's Matt Leinart, those of us in the Vince Young camp waited on with baited breath and white knuckles to see if we could secure one of college's all-time greats.

The Titans drafted Vince Young with their first pick, and the future had begun.

It was a future I envisaged as being much different than it turned out. To match the thrill of the first round, the second round yielded an unexpected surprise: LenDale White had taken a tumble down the draft boards, and we stole him at 45.

To me, it was like we had recreated my beloved duo of McNair/George: a mobile QB with a strong arm coupled with a bruising, punishing running back. How could it fail?

...Well, it did. And now we're eying QBs in the draft, a little more than two weeks away. Alas.

Vince was a guy who I really wanted to succeed. And frankly, I still want him to succeed. It's always painful to watch former players triumph elsewhere (Mason, Blount), but unless they were a jerk, you wanted the best for them. And Vince, for all his maturity issues, is a stand-up guy.

He was a fiery leader (if not polarizing), and week 14 in Houston, 2006... man, you thought you were watching history in the making: the beginnings of a hall of fame career.

But now, we enter the next stage of quarterbacks in Tennessee.

Like I said, Vince was a guy who I wanted to win the Super Bowl for us. He wasn't just a Titans QB, he was our QB. At least I can take comfort in the knowledge of the kind of person he was off the field: with the effort he took to help raise money for the flooding in Nashville, and the way he has stepped up to look after the McNair boys, he's shown that he is a man with a good set of morals.

#1 Steve McNair
1995-2005

Titans Career
2305-3871 for 27,141 yards, 156 TDs, 103 Ints, 83.3 rating
614 rushes for 3,439 yards, 36 TDs, 84 fumbles, 5.6 Avg

All-Time Career
2733-4544 for 31,304 yards, 174 TDs, 119 Ints, 82.8 rating
669 rushes for 3,590 yards, 37 TDs, 99 fumbles, 5.4 Avg

No matter what the competition is, McNair is my #1 guy. Favourite QB? Favourite Titan? Favourite football player of all time? The winner is always McNair.

In the same way that seeing Warren Sapp dominate en route to the Super Bowl in '02 made me a football fan, watching Steve McNair play made me a Titans fan. In the early days I had leaned towards the Raiders or the Bears, but Mac9 ushered me into Tennessee fandom, and every quarterback who has come since or is yet to come will always have to live up not only to McNair's performance, but to his qualities.

Whether he had a chunk of flesh hanging from his thumb, or defenders draped over him on every snap, McNair would play on. He was a true throwback to QBs of old; men of true grit and bravery who would put their bodies on the line to claim a victory. I don't doubt that, had football still been a two-way game, McNair would have been more than happy to line up on defence or kick field goals as well.

He was a man of quiet confidence, and it was beautiful: a good old country boy who worked his ass off to get to where he was, and never lost the things that made him who he was. He was a genuine man, the kind who you'd want to win for, but who would more often than not end up winning for you.

Someday I hope to track down all of the McNair seasons that I missed. There's seven years of gametime that I wasn't privy to, and of the few games I've seen from those days, it's clear to me: I want to see more. I have to see more.

He never won a Super Bowl. His statistics are robust, but not stellar. As time goes by, his intangibles: the way he put the team on his shoulders, fought for everything through any injury, and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat... Will they be remembered? Or will he become merely a memory of his stats: 3x Pro Bowler, 1x All-Pro, 1x Co-MVP?

Though these are good things, these are not the things that made up Steve McNair. The way he would shed tacklers to complete a first down pass, how he would shrug off a seemingly devastating injury to return to action, and how he would let his actions speak louder than his words... These were the things that made Steve McNair the football player that he was.

The problem with my life...

You know, I look through photos people have taken during their visits to the United States, and it occurred to me...

Life here in Australia, it's just too simple, y'know? Too realistic? I live a quiet life of mediocrity, much like everyone around me.

I should appreciate what I have here in Australia. I'm safe, I'm surrounded by good people and I live in a peaceful country where I could live comfortably for the rest of my life.

But that's not for me, y'know? I need the free-wheeling lifestyle, the glitz and glamour. I can't thrive on the simplicity of my life.

That was one of the things that struck me most about New York City. That somehow, it didn't seem real. This was a place of fiction, the city you see in Law & Order and the like. It's a setting where wild things happen, a city of celebrities and grandeur.

To go from that back into reality? It leaves me feeling cold, like I'm sitting in an empty bath tub once full of hot, steamy water. Strange analogy, but it sprung to mind so I went with it.

Why is it that a guy like myself with such a disdain for people seeks a crowded, fake environment? Who knows. All I know is that I need to shed this lifestyle, and fast...

Back in the land of Oz...

My three-month sabbatical is over, and yesterday Jess and I returned home to Australia.

And I beg the question - where the sun at? Who gave permission for winter to be happening? And what is with all of this green grass?? I don't remember that from before I left.

All I know is that Australia has become a weird, scary place in the time that I've been gone... And it looks like Tony's got some fixin' to do.

Jimmie Johnson's penis

Alright, follow me on this one. I'm in a condo in Hawai'i. I've had some beers, I've got a beautiful view of Waikiki out the window and a balcony to sit back on and cackle about the wonders of my life.

...But all I can think about is how upset I am over Jimmie Johnson's ExtenZe ad. In it, he claims that, despite his success as a coach and a broadcaster, the question he gets asked most often is if ExtenZe (a sexual stimulant) really works. I call balls on that one. If I saw Jimmie Johnson walking down the street, I would not enthusiastically approach him with the sole intention of asking him if his medicine gives him an erection. Really. I mean, where does the conversation go from there? It'd be like meeting Arnold Schwarzenegger and grilling him solely on an age-old nude photo I found one unfortunate, blustery night while flipping through the pages of an old Playboy mag.

Not to mention, now I can't stop thinking about Jimmie Johnson's unit. With a black and white Arnie standing nearby, proudly flexing. What a horrible, unusual problem to be having while on holiday in Hawai'i.

...And now, I'm thinking about how Arnie follows me on Twitter. And I feel guilty for every crass thing I say on Twitter - every swear, every bold statement, every snide remark... And now, the naked, monotone Arnold is shaking his head in disapproval. But still, Jimmie Johnson seems unfazed, giving away his apparently redundant Super Bowl rings, standing proud and tall in more ways than one.

Blogs like this are unfortunate. But I can make them, because nobody reads it. Tonight, Jimmie Johnson's penis. Tomorrow... who knows?